I'm struggling. So hard. I am paralyzed with indecision.
I can't do HCG. I can't NOT do HCG. I have to stop eating. I can't stop eating.
I kept cheating on HCG, so I just quit. Cold turkey stopped taking the drops, started eating whatever I felt like. I'm up 1.5 pounds. Not horrible, but I am not in a healthy place. Plus, I've still got 40 pounds to drop.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I know HCG works, if I do it correctly. But it seems I've lost my ability to do it correctly. I know diet and exercise works, but who has the time and energy for that???
I'm in a busy stage of life. The summer is here, the kids are out of school, and they are all needy. Emotional. Keyed up from being at school so many months, from getting up early and working to be good students.
Owen is defiant and bored and stubborn. Oh my, is he ever stubborn.
Nora is pretty cute and mostly happy. She just turned a year. A YEAR.
I am miserable. Absolutely miserable. It's affecting my ability to see anything beyond my weight. It's even affecting my ability to read the books I want/need to read. I've got Love Hunger right now, and even just from reading the first few pages, it's clear I've got food issues. But, it's like I don't have the energy to delve into that right now. To get to the root of the problem. But if not now, then when? When I'm 300 pounds and a contestant on Biggest Loser?
Ugh. I need help. If you pray, please pray for me. I need to work through these issues. I need to be healthy in mind, body and spirit.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel mentally ready to tackle HCG yet. I feel like all my energy and attention is on the kids right now, as it needs to be. But somewhere in there I've got to find time and energy and attention for my own needs/health.
I never dreamed it would be this hard to lose the weight. I feel trapped in a prison of fat. But I won't stay trapped forever, because, quite simply, I can't. I CAN NOT. My husband and my children and my sister and my friends deserve a better me than the person I am right now. I deserve a better quality of life.
So something will be done. I just don't know what, yet.