Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I am here...

Hi guys,
I'm here and hanging in there.  It's been an incredibly stressful couple of weeks.

Even though we knew and expected Mom to pass, it was still so heart-wrenching when it happened.  Throw in some curve balls (for me, personally) with the funeral and burial, cancelling our much anticipated trip to Mexico (with no reschedule date in sight) and I was just about done in. Coming on the heels of Nora's ICU episode it was just a bit much.

I've been hunkering down, taking it day by day, relishing the friendships I have with my sisters in law and other family members.  Yesterday, I was hit with more horrible news.

A young woman from church, only 24 was killed in a car accident.  She was 7 months pregnant with a baby boy, and the baby died as well.  Her 18 month old daughter was in the car, but was unharmed.

It's just too much to take in.  I can't fathom it.  I have been nauseated ever since I heard; weak and just torn apart for the poor husband.  I know God is in control and I know He doesn't make mistakes.  I don't feel like He causes bad things to happen.  I do know Satan is on a warpath against God's elect, and I refuse to let him win.

I am more determined than ever to make each day count, to live an upright life, and to live for eternity.

My eating/dieting however, has taken a massive nosedive.  I think I've probably gained back all 15 pounds I had lost.  I can't bear to look at the scale right now.  I do know I feel terrible.  I feel frumpy and uncomfortable, my body hurts, I'm way out of shape.  I feel lethargic and sickly.

I am not sure what to do.  I've been tossing around ideas... HCG? Weight Watchers? Atkins? Counting Calories?

I don't know.  I just don't know.  I know I've got to do something, because living every day uncomfortable in my own skin isn't going to fly.

I will persevere.  I don't know what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to lose the weight, but I know I can't give up until I am comfortable in my own skin.  Until I look in the mirror and see "me".  It's going to be a process.  There will be a beginning, middle and end.

Even if "how far I've gotten" is simply NOT giving up...

Monday, February 24, 2014

She's Gone

Dear Mom,
Thank you.  Thank you for all the years we had with you.  Thank you for your warm smile, for your contagious laugh, for your good heart.  You were an amazing woman.  Truly amazing, and I'm so thankful that I got to be part of your family these last ten years.

You raised 16 amazing children, one of whom I get to call my husband.  Your smile will never be forgotten.  I am so glad that you are free!! Free from your body that was so broken.  Free to be healthy and express yourself, to move and bless.  

I can feel you.  I can sense such a strong spirit of peace and joy.  So much happiness.  

Even though it's hard now, I'm so glad we all have each other.  Your 16 beautiful children, your parents, your husband.  It's priceless.

I know I'll see you again.  I know you are in a better place.  I love you.

Forever and always,

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

What do I want?

I've been asking myself this recently.  What is it I really want? What's my goal?

To be ripped, have a certain body fat percentage or look like this:
Honestly? No.  I don't like that look.  At all.  It's too masculine for me, personally.  I don't really like defined muscles like that.  I'd rather just be toned, all over.

Like so:

That girl in the turquoise bikini is actually fairly realistic for me.  All the other ones are probably still too ripped for me, ha ha. :-P Not that I wouldn't mind those arms and legs, mind you, but I don't have the drive needed to get them.  I just want to get the extra weight off and be me.

I want to be confident.  Not because I know I'm a sexpot bombshell.  Not because I am sinewy and ripped.  Not because I'm a certain size or weight.  I want to be confident because my body is exactly where it should be.  A healthy weight and BMI for me.  I am pretty... lazy? I just don't have super high aspirations or hardcore goals.  In a way it makes it harder, because I'm not DRIVEN.  

Happy.  I want to be happy.  Not skinny and angry.  Not fat and depressed.  I want to be healthy and happy.  

I've seen this all over the internet, and at first I despised it.  Probably because I know it's true.
In any case, it's true for me.  These last two weeks I have literally been poisoning my body with crap. Total processed, no nutrient junk.  And you know what? I feel like crap.  From head to toe, body and mind.  Not a great way to kick off a trip to Mexico.

I kind of just gave up, since I wouldn't be at my goal or anywhere near it anyway.  I regret that decision. I feel gross. BUT.  I am going to go to Mexico and I am going to enjoy it.  I am going to lay in the sun and soak up the warmth.  I am going to sleep. Uninterrupted.  As long as I want.  I am going to hold hands with my love, I am going to walk on the beach with him, I am going to share a drink with him, and celebrate the last ten years we've had together.

And when I get back?  I will begin this journey once again.  I'm not going to give up, even though I have more stops than starts, even though I've lost and gained the same 10 pounds way too many times. It's a journey and a process.  

I'm committed to it.  I'm committed to health. I'm committed to happiness.  I'm committed to me.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Hanging On...

Hi guys,
I'm here.  I'm fighting.  I'm emotional. 

I haven't started HCG again, because I already have enough stress in my life and I can't handle more.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with the fact that I'm still so much larger than I ever imagined I'd be when we go to Mexico.  Life is so much more than WEIGHT.

My MIL is doing worse and worse.  She's confined to a hospital bed, has a catheter, needs to be fed.  It's heartbreaking.  I cry a lot.  I know she is going to a far better place, I know she will be free of this broken body, but I'm also going to MISS her.  A lot.  

Josh is gone a ton this month.  We are supposed to leave for Mexico in 12 days.  Honestly? I don't want to go.  I don't want to miss a single precious day with mom.  My children are freaking out. 

None of us have really, truly recovered from the scare with Nora.  We are physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted.  The kids cry.  They scream.  Owen has developed several fairly severe tics.  Anytime Josh is gone, the boys flip out.  Did I mention he's scheduled to be gone 9 of the last 14 days of this month?

Yeah. It's tough.  I'm not giving up.  I've gained 4.5 pounds of what I lost back.  I'm getting stuff for green smoothies, cuz I figure that's an easy and delicious way to get some low calorie, healthy greens in.

I'll keep you posted.  Sorry I haven't been posting as much.  I've just been dealing with life.

Psalm 143:10 
Help me to do your will, for you are my God. Lead me in good paths, for your Spirit is good.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Hi :)

Hi there!
Things have been busy and I haven't been posting.  I haven't been doing HCG either. ;-)

I gave myself some time off and was very scared of what the scale would say.  But I'm only up 3 pounds total, so not tooooo bad.

I am binging today and tomorrow, and plan to do another 21 day round which will end right around the time we go to Mexico.

I'm happy and content.  I'm not where I thought I'd be when we take our Mexico trip, but I'm not disgusted with myself either.  I'm learning to love who I am, not what I look like.

Things are settling down around here; they got pretty crazy after Nora's medical scare.  The other kids kinda freaked out, then I kinda freaked out, and Josh is gone a lot, which adds to the craziness.

I have been FREEZING and we aren't even having snow over here!! I want to sit in a hot bath all day.  Last night I actually got out of bed to take a hot shower, because I was so cold!

Anyway, we are doing well and I'll keep checking in as I can. :)

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I'm still here!

Wow, I so didn't intend to go MIA, but life happens.

I'm happy to say that Nora is still doing amazing.  She really is 100% normal and fine and happy and healthy.  It's awesome.  She is such a sunshine!

I was fine all week, didn't feel traumatized at all.  I felt like I dealt with it fairly well.  But then.  THEN.  The weekend came.

It started on Saturday. I still felt pretty good, but there was an underlying uneasiness.  And I cheated.  I ate a lot, actually.  I didn't go overboard, but I definitely did not do HCG.  Sunday was worse.  I kept looking at the clock, thinking, "Was Nora pushing her chair to the counter right now? Was she eating the medicine right now? Right now is when Josh brought her limp and gray into the bedroom." And so on.

It was like re-living it all over again and I lost it.  I was stressed, snippy, and I ate.  I planned to start HCG again on Monday.  Monday there was no school for my kiddos, so we took scones and a thank you note to the fire station medics and the police department. It was a fiasco.  The medics were out on a call, the police officers were out in the field, the kids were CRAZY BUSY, talking, jumping, moving non stop.  I ate.

I haven't weighed myself.  I can't bear to see what I've gained.  Today I planned to get back on the HCG wagon, but I had a scone for breakfast.  I'm thinking to just fast the rest of the day, and drink lots of water.

I've kind of lost my motivation.

Another factor is my mother in law.  She is doing very, very poorly.  She is confined to a wheelchair now, and soon will be confined to a hospital bed in their home.  She can't speak, at all.  She's so frustrated that she cries.  She is in pain.  It effing sucks.  Sorry for the language, but it's a truly horrendous situation.

We are supposed to go to Mexico in 29 days, and I just have this feeling that mom is going to die shortly before we are supposed to leave, and we will have to cancel our trip and attend a funeral instead.  It SUCKS.

We are all praying, so hard, that God will just take her home!! Set her free from this body that she is imprisoned in.  We can't bear to watch her suffer and slowly break down any more.

So there's lots of stress and horrible situations but I don't want to just throw in the towel.  I want to continue my weight loss journey and get all the excess weight off.

I plan to start up HCG again tomorrow, after fasting today.  I will weigh on Friday and I just pray and hope I'll be back to where I was at my last weigh in.

Please pray that God will have mercy and take Kris home soon.  Pray that we can be a light and joy to her, that we know how to bring some sunshine into her days until she is set free from her broken body.

So, that's where I am.  Still fighting.  Not giving up.  Not perfect.  But enduring, standing back up, giving it my all.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Posting from pediatric ICU

Wow. The last two days have been a blur.

Yesterday morning, Josh and I were lounging in bed, the kids were coming in and out, eating cereal and watching a movie. Pretty typical Sunday morning for us, if we don't have plans.

Around 10 Josh heard Nora start crying in the living room. He went out and a few minutes later Kate came back and told me that Josh needed me. It didn't sound urgent so I got up and was going to use the restroom. Instead, Josh came running in the room with a limp, gray Nora in his arms.

I immediately screamed for him to call 911 and bent over Nora, watching her breathing get slower and slower. I was panicked because I couldn't remember how to do CPR on a baby. Josh was on the phone with the paramedics and I was asking the kids what had happened. Did she fall off something!? They said no, she just fell down. I got so nauseated and ran to the bathroom and threw up bile.

Thank the good Lord above we literally live right around the corner from a fire station with a medic unit. They were there in under 5 minutes and immediately gave Nora oxygen, attempted to get an IV in several different places on her arms. When they couldn't find a vein, they said they were going to have to drill through her kneecap in attempt to get one. They tried. Twice. I was back in the bathroom throwing up again.

When I was done, I ran out to the living room to ask the kids once again what exactly had happened. And that's when I saw and knew exactly what had gone down.

Nora plays at the TV console, and laying open on top of it was an almost empty bottle of prescription sleeping pills. A prescription we had just filled 3 days prior and had 45 tablets. Now, there were only 7 in the bottle. I ran back with the bottle to the paramedics and told them she had to have eaten them. Then I threw up again.

The medics were frantically trying to get her in the ambulance and I bolted out of the bathroom, into the ambulance and we were off. We had been driving for a short time when the guys in back yelled something, and suddenly we were speeding with the lights and siren on. I was praying with all my heart, so sick and nauseated, the image of my usually rambunctious girl laying there, basically lifeless.

The docs at the hospital were stumped, had never had a case like this with that medication. For reference, my 8 year old daughter takes 1.5 pills a night, and Nora ingested somewhere between 30-40. Her heart rate was at 6 and kept having periods where it was stopped for what felt like an eternity but was probably 10-15 seconds at a time. It always started up again, but they had the defibrillator on her just in case. She was completely unconscious and unresponsive. Didn't even cry as they poked her more, trying to get an IV in. Her blood pressure was also extremely low... Like 14 over something and normal is 80.

They finally ended up intubating her so the ventilator was breathing for her. They had given Nora two doses of a drug that would hopefully stop/counteract the sleeping pills, but neither worked.  At that point they consulted with the pediatric ICU at the big Doernbecher's children's hospital and the attending physician accepted her case and told us we would be transferred. They sedated her so she wouldn't injure herself on the ventilator.

They wanted to life flight her, but it was too foggy, so Doernbecher sent down a PANDA transport. Basically an ambulance with full life support capabilities. Josh and I decided to ride together in the truck, following the ambulance, since we weren't allowed in the back with Nora anyway. As we were walking to the truck, the ambulance took off with lights and sirens blasting. I can't even describe the horrifying and sickening feeling it is, to know your baby is in there, and you may not see her alive again.

The 45 minute drive to the hospital was long and surreal. It didn't feel real; this couldn't really have happened!! We had a prayer chain going, and I *felt* a deep peace, knowing Nora was in God's hands and that there were so many precious people praying for us.

We got to Doernbecher and walked in as they were settling Nora in, after doing a CT scan. She was still unresponsive and pale, but her heart rate had come up a bit. And she did cry periodically,  on the ride from our house to the hospital and in the ER, but she definitely wasn't awake or lucid. But at least I knew she was alive.

Once at Doernbecher they checked her out, but were just as clueless as to what to do. Multiple calls to poison control and lots of googling later, they decided  all they could do was help her ride it out and make sure she didn't stop breathing and that her heart didn't stop. She was still sedated and intubated.

Later that evening she started to come out of sedation and was wildly thrashing around, trying to stand up, trying to pull the tube out, etc.  The doctors were actually quite glad to see that, but they had to give her more sedation three more times because they weren't comfortable taking her off the vent yet.

At long last her breathing and heart rate stabilized enough that she could come off the ventilation and have the tube removed.  As they took it out I was standing near by, and she woke up, opened her eyes, saw me and stood up, lunging for me! I was so incredibly grateful that she recognized me, that she was strong enough to stand, and that she was fighting.

I got to hold her after that, despite all the wires coming off of her.  We snuggled and it was amazing; the best feeling ever.  In the wee hours of the morning her heart rate, blood pressure and breathing all came up to normal levels and stayed that way.  They discussed letting us go home that day, but Nora was still way too groggy.  She would only wake up for 2-3 minutes and then conk out again.  They wanted to see her fully awake and walking around before they let us go.

So we got moved out of ICU and down to a normal room.  Throughout the night she steadily improved, all her vitals were good, and I started seeing "Nora" come back.  Her eyes, although very heavy and sleepy, had a twinkle and she smiled a bit more.  By the time the doc came in around 9am, she had been up and walking around, eaten a bowl of strawberries and yogurt, and was waving at the nurses.

(It took me a couple days to write this, so we are home now.)

We got discharged this morning, and it truly is a miracle.  Nora is 100% back to her usual, normal self.  The kids were in shock, because they had seen her at the hospital yesterday and she was sleeping/grumpy and not herself at all.  They keep asking how Nora got better so quickly. :-)

We had so many people praying for us, and I am incredibly grateful for those prayers.  I am also incredibly thankful that we still have sweet Nora with us, that she didn't sustain any brain damage, nervous system damage, or any long lasting side effects.  You'd never know how close to death she was by just looking at her, except that there are pokes and holes and tape residue everywhere. :-P

Anyway, we are back home and Nora is as spunky as ever, climbing, running and playing like nothing ever happened.

Obviously while I was at the hospital I didn't have HCG food there, although my good friend did bring some up the first night, but I couldn't stomach it.  I had two salads, some Mike&Ike's, and an apple at the hospital. I have no idea where my weight will be tomorrow, because I didn't drink hardly any water, and they didn't have any fat free dressing.  But you know what? I don't even care.

All I care about is that my kiddos, all four of them, are safe and sound and healthy.  I'm glad I didn't fall off the wagon completely, and I plan to continue on, no matter what the scale says tomorrow.

So that's what we did; how was your 3 day weekend? :-P