Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I'm still here!

Wow, I so didn't intend to go MIA, but life happens.

I'm happy to say that Nora is still doing amazing.  She really is 100% normal and fine and happy and healthy.  It's awesome.  She is such a sunshine!

I was fine all week, didn't feel traumatized at all.  I felt like I dealt with it fairly well.  But then.  THEN.  The weekend came.

It started on Saturday. I still felt pretty good, but there was an underlying uneasiness.  And I cheated.  I ate a lot, actually.  I didn't go overboard, but I definitely did not do HCG.  Sunday was worse.  I kept looking at the clock, thinking, "Was Nora pushing her chair to the counter right now? Was she eating the medicine right now? Right now is when Josh brought her limp and gray into the bedroom." And so on.

It was like re-living it all over again and I lost it.  I was stressed, snippy, and I ate.  I planned to start HCG again on Monday.  Monday there was no school for my kiddos, so we took scones and a thank you note to the fire station medics and the police department. It was a fiasco.  The medics were out on a call, the police officers were out in the field, the kids were CRAZY BUSY, talking, jumping, moving non stop.  I ate.

I haven't weighed myself.  I can't bear to see what I've gained.  Today I planned to get back on the HCG wagon, but I had a scone for breakfast.  I'm thinking to just fast the rest of the day, and drink lots of water.

I've kind of lost my motivation.

Another factor is my mother in law.  She is doing very, very poorly.  She is confined to a wheelchair now, and soon will be confined to a hospital bed in their home.  She can't speak, at all.  She's so frustrated that she cries.  She is in pain.  It effing sucks.  Sorry for the language, but it's a truly horrendous situation.

We are supposed to go to Mexico in 29 days, and I just have this feeling that mom is going to die shortly before we are supposed to leave, and we will have to cancel our trip and attend a funeral instead.  It SUCKS.

We are all praying, so hard, that God will just take her home!! Set her free from this body that she is imprisoned in.  We can't bear to watch her suffer and slowly break down any more.

So there's lots of stress and horrible situations but I don't want to just throw in the towel.  I want to continue my weight loss journey and get all the excess weight off.

I plan to start up HCG again tomorrow, after fasting today.  I will weigh on Friday and I just pray and hope I'll be back to where I was at my last weigh in.

Please pray that God will have mercy and take Kris home soon.  Pray that we can be a light and joy to her, that we know how to bring some sunshine into her days until she is set free from her broken body.

So, that's where I am.  Still fighting.  Not giving up.  Not perfect.  But enduring, standing back up, giving it my all.

1 comment:

  1. It makes sense that you would feel the shock of what happened at some point. I think you had to be so strong for Nora in the moment, that you postponed the reaction. And, don't be too hard on yourself for falling off the strict HCG as you dealt with it. You're still in the game RA!