Monday, February 28, 2011


Hi all,
Sorry for the short hiatus... I went away with my husband to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. =)

I've been doing fairly well. I gave up cutting out wheat since it didn't really seem to affect my weight and it was starting to really stress me out.

Today as I was going to pick up Kate from school, I was just struck with the thought, "I am so blessed." My life really is so rich. I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful family and friends. WONDERFUL. I have 3 healthy, amazing children. Yes, they are going to turn my hair gray by the time I'm 35 and yes they are a handful, but they are healthy and they love me and I love them. I am so BLESSED!

I have an amazing husband. Really, words can't even explain how amazing he is. You'd just have to meet him, and those of you who know him have a small taste. I am so BLESSED!

The last 7 years of our marriage have been rough. I've been sick for the majority of it. Really sick. Sick and pregnant or sick and nursing. :-P Hormonal doesn't even begin to cover it. We've been through so, so much. And in spite of it all, he still loves me. Really, truly, passionately, compassionately loves me. I am so BLESSED!

And I love him, more than I even thought it was possible to love someone. All the hardships and ups and downs have only served to bring us closer together. I love him completely, I trust him completely, and he completes me. :-P Sorry, I had to throw that in there. ;-) I am so BLESSED!

And so, as I sat there in my van, I realized that the number on the scale is insignificant. It really is. Why am I beating myself up over a number on the scale?? It doesn't make sense.

I thought of you, Dawne. Of your struggle to get to that number on the scale. And yet, you are so much MORE than that stupid number! You aren't a failure just because you haven't seen a certain number. You run. You eat clean. You've made huge and lasting life changes. You are so BLESSED!

In regards to my weight I feel sort of non-plussed. I know I'm not at the end of my journey. I know I'd still like to lose a few more pounds. But it's not worth worrying and stressing over. I'm going to take it slow. Watch what I eat. See if I can fit in some exercise.

But for the most part, I am so BLESSED. And that is far more important than a number on the scale.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Still here... And still on the wagon

Hi Folks,
Sorry for the long delay in posts. I've been busy and don't have much to say.

I'm still going strong being wheat free, with one slight, unintentional slip up. We had meatballs last night and I ate 4 of them before reading the ingredients and realizing they had wheat in them.

I haven't been weighing myself every day, because my weight wasn't dropping, in fact it was going up. I really wanted to give myself a full 7 days to see if cutting out wheat would do anything, so I haven't weighed since Friday or Saturday. Well, today I decided to step on the scale, confident I'd be down at least 2 pounds.

Nope. Down 1 pound. And I'm 99% sure that is gone only because I started my period and always lose a bit once that happens. So, I don't think I'm going to be so hardcore about cutting out wheat, as clearly my body isn't dropping any pounds quickly from not eating any. To me that means I don't have an allergy to it that causes me to retain water and/or gain weight.

I have felt a bit better emotionally, however. So my plan going forward is to not restrict myself from eating wheat, but also not to eat a ton of it all the time. Cut out breads where I can, but if I'm served something or want one serving of something with wheat, that's okay.

My current weight is 139, so it's still definitely UP. :-( I don't feel like I've been eating a lot of calories, and I feel like for the most part I've been making healthy eating choices. The last 2 days I have had a couple pieces of Norwegian chocolate each day (a gift from my BIL) but other than that I've been eating healthy meals and not snacking as much. But still no drop in weight. Bleh.

I'm sort of blase about it currently because I don't have the energy to expend on doing anything more. I find it tedious and unpractical to try to count calories. I'm too tired to exercise. And honestly, although I don't/won't allow myself to keep gaining, if I maintain between 137 and 139 I'm okay with that. It's not optimal; I'd love to stay right at 136.2 which was the lowest I ever saw. But that ain't happening.

In other news, I'm going away with Josh for our anniversary this weekend! We've been married 7 years and are going to the eastern part of the state where it's currently snowing. It'll be fun and cozy; we both love to read and play board games so it's right up our alley to be snowed into a cabin. =)

I'll try to report in more, but I just haven't had much to report/say.

Hope you're all well!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Sweet Slumber

Howdy Folks!
I didn't post on Friday because I was very, very busy cleaning my house from top to bottom.

This morning a miracle happened. No, little elves didn't come and stock my fridge with healthy and nutritious food, we didn't win the lottery and I didn't magically lose these last 15 pounds. ;-)

But what happened was even better than all of that.

My boys slept until SEVEN O'CLOCK!!!!!! SEVEN!!!!!!

I woke up singing praises to the good Lord and grinning gleefully at Josh because we'd both gotten a good night's sleep for the first time in a very long time.

It makes such a huge difference!

Josh sent me to a youth retreat for the morning, I got to have coffee with Jen, was very encouraged by God's Word and have been resting since I came home.

Yesterday was my first full day of being wheat free since before Valentine's Day. I felt good all day, but then ended up getting very ill and throwing up at bedtime. I think I overdid it, because I seriously accomplished SO much housework, and didn't eat enough calories.

I had a handful of almonds, tuna fish with veggie chips and avocado, and then rice crackers with cheese. And a 20 ounce americano. And lots of water. Oh and an Almond Joy.

Today I'm doing well, as far as wheat free goes. I'm giving it a full week this time to see how it affects my weight. I'm also doing well with my water intake, but need to stick with it throughout the week.

I don't feel any better; in fact I feel fairly awful. I have a pounding headache and no energy. I'm hoping my body is just detoxing and that I'll start to feel amazing real soon. :-)

As you can see, I'm clearly focusing on cutting out wheat but not so much sugar. I'll work my way up to that.

I'll be back in the morning with a weigh-in.

Happy Saturday!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Half Dead

I'm half dead. I can't really function like this, but there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

I need to sleep. Uninterrupted. For more than 3 hours. And not start my day at 5:30a.m. day after day after day after day.

After my high and holy post yesterday I totally bombed and ate rice crackers and cheese for lunch. In copious amounts. I even ate chocolate peanut butter ice cream, and I don't even care for ice cream! The stress is getting to be too much. I'm going crazy.

I weighed 139.6 today and I can't even be bothered to care. All I can think about is sleep. How can I sleep, when can I sleep, where can I sleep.

I know that I'm in my PMS week, which doesn't help anything, and I know part of my weight gain is water retention and bloating.

I'm taking a mental health day. My mom and sisters are coming over. I'm sending the kids outside to run off some energy. I'm making boiled eggs so I have an easy protein snack to grab. I'm throwing away the ice cream. And I'm thanking the good Lord above for a) Xanax so I don't turn into a total she-wolf and b) that Josh comes home tonight.

Until tomorrow....

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Mommy Syndrome

Today I was driving around, taking Kate to school, taking the dog to the groomer, etc... And I noticed something. Many moms driving mini-vans, just like me. Except, the majority of these moms filled up the whole entire front seat of the van. Their stomachs reach the steering wheel. The seat belt is stretched across them.

And it made me sad. And it made me think. I don't wan to become a victim of the Mommy Syndrome.

You know, we're all just trying to do what's best for our kids. So that means cooking and baking. And then we eat what we've cooked and baked, sometimes finishing the food on our kid's plates. Then, once the kids are a little older, and maybe they are in sports/ballet type activities... Which means constant driving to/from practices and games/recitals... which means no time for cooking so we turn to fast food/take out.

And then there's the ever present, looming, black cloud called FATIGUE. If you have multiple kiddos they rarely all sleep well on the same night. So no more uninterrupted sleep. And we combat THAT with coffee drinks.

And all this adds up to FAT. We aren't even trying to be fat; we're trying to be good moms. And in the process, we get fat. We're too tired, busy, stressed and all of that adds up to FAT! Cortisol, produced when we're stressed, causes us to gain weight around our stomachs. Being tired causes us to eat and drink things to help keep us awake and give us the energy we need to run all our errands, keep up with our houses, meet the needs of our children.

It takes a conscious effort to not allow LIFE to make us FAT!!! It takes exercise! It takes planning and preparation and meal planning and schedules.

It is not easy.

But I don't want to fall prey to the American lifestyle that is causing so much obesity and fatigue and general overall unhealthiness. It seems so overwhelming to combat it, but it's something that I just have to do. Me, personally. I want to be a good example to my children of a healthy person, living a healthy lifestyle. I don't have hours in the day to spend at the gym, I don't even have the energy to go to the gym right now. But I can make healthy choices. I don't have to bake scones every day. ;-)

I can make healthy meals, even though it does take time, energy and money. I can do the best I can. In fact, that's ALL I can do.

So that's what I'm working on today. Learning healthy habits, including making sure I get enough sleep and don't fall back on convenience foods. Inevitably things come up. Life isn't perfect. I don't have a nanny, maid, personal chef and trainer. I have kids who get sick and wake up at night needing some TLC, I have kids who think it's okay to wake up before the sun is up, I have a body that doesn't fall asleep or stay asleep very well. But that doesn't mean I can't be healthy, that I have to succumb to obesity.

I will not be a hapless victim of the Mommy Syndrome. I will not fill up the entire front end of my van. I will choose to make good choices, even though it's hard and lots of work and takes time and energy, both of which are very precious and scarce commodities around these here parts.

In other news, I didn't weigh again today. I just simply forgot. Although I did go to bed early-- 7 pm, people! And I did take my melatonin (a natural sleeping aid) and I was asleep by 8:15pm... Christian was up at 3:30 coughing and had a fever. So I gave him his inhalers, Tylenol and cold medicine. We got back to bed around 4:15 and I had both boys in my bed at that point. Owen was up at 5:30 for the day so I got up and settled him in with a bagel and the movie Cars. Then Kate was up a little after 6 and I didn't sleep anymore after that.

So when I got up I once again stumbled blindly to the coffeemaker and didn't even think to weigh until later. Oh well. Today I'm working on drinking water and eating protein.

I should add that I'm not anti-coffee. At all. It helps me a lot. But I don't want to HAVE to buy an espresso or energy drink every single day for years just to make it through the day. I do need coffee these days. As in *need* it. Not an option. But I also want to work to make healthier eating choices, making sure I drink enough, and even trying to get some exercise in for some natural energy boosters.

I feel like I'm rambling now, so I'm just going to post this. :-P

Happy Hump Day!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Checking In

Just checking in... I didn't fall off the planet or anything. ;-)

My MIL's MRI results seem to be good... it's a little confusing but the doctors sound pleased, so that's great.

I didn't weigh this morning. I have been eating way too much salt. I am totally addicted to these chips:

I CRAVE them. Like, I could eat a bag of these a day and be done with eating for the day. It's weird. And salty.

So tomorrow I'm going to really focus on drinking all my water, and not filling myself up with Chipotle chips and coffee. Cuz that is one dehydrating combo.

I'm off to bed. I'm exhausted so tonight I'm going to bed with my kids, at 7:00pm. And I'm taking a melatonin to ensure that I fall asleep.

See you on the flip side!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Rough Seas

Hi Friends,
How are you? Happy Valentine's Day. I'm not a super big fan of Valentine's Day; it seems like such a made up, commercial holiday. Maybe it's partly due to the fact that our anniversary is also in Feb, and in comparison to our anniversary, Valentine's Day pales considerably.

Anyway, I've been having a rough go of it. Really rough. I feel ill, depressed, overwhelmed. I had hoped that cutting out wheat and sugar would help. I guess I thought I'd magically feel better while at the same time dropping 3 or 4 pounds and it just hasn't happened that way. At all.

Of course, I haven't been very successful at cutting out wheat and sugar completely, either. I did great on Friday and Saturday. Yesterday I ate a scone. Yes, a freaking scone. And then I got super duper sick. I felt like I had the flu. This morning I woke up with a raging headache. It didn't help that my wake-up call was a few minutes before 6:00a.m. My boys are INSANE. We even kept them up til 8:30pm last night in hopes they'd sleep til at least 6:30 this morning. No dice. Up before 6. Bleh.

We get the results of my MIL's MRI today and I just have a sick feeling about it all. I don't think it's good news. I'm overtired and can't seem to catch up on sleep. I miss my husband. I feel unhealthy; like my body is full of toxins. I have an appt in March with a specialist to look at my prolapsed bladder. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on here, cuz it's kind of embarrassing. But it's one of the rocks weighing me down. It's a burden I carry. My body is only 32 and yet it's falling apart on me. Does this sound familiar? :-P

Anyway, I'm just trying to hold it together for now. I will try to stay away from wheat and sugar as much as I can, but I'm giving myself a pass for today because my handsome hubby left me with a few surprises this morning.

First, there were the hearts on the mirror. We often write love notes to each other on the bathroom mirror.
I purposefully stayed out of the picture. I had just woken up and looked eerily similar to Donald Trump. Except not as rich.


Anyway, then I stumbled out to the kitchen where I found this lovely surprise:

Those little heart notes spelled out "I LOVE YOU". I do love my husband. He is very sweet and romantic and thoughtful. And it did brighten my day considerably. We're going to have chocolate fondue tonight with the strawberries, cream cheese danish and some oranges. So clearly I'll be eating wheat and sugar today. But I'm not gonna go overboard. And I'll be back on the bandwagon tomorrow.

I hope you all have a good day!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Friday 'Fess Up

I confess:

*I may or may not have caught my 5 year old daughter trying on my bra today. Egads!

*I am loving smoked almonds as a non-wheat, non-sugar snack.

*Josh and I are now watching the show Outsourced and loving it. Hilarious!

*I moved my ticker to reflect my weight as of this morning: 139.4

*I'm excited to see what cutting out wheat and sugar will do for my weight, my physical and my mental health.

*I'm excited for the weekend. We don't have any specific plans, but Josh will be here!

*I had an unexpected "gift" this morning. Charisma (the dog) pooped on the floor. Of the diarrhea variety. Buhscusting, as Owen says.

*My face is incredibly dry. My lips are chapped. I want to plunge my whole head into a vat of Vaseline.

*I can NOT finish my coffee. Ever. Today I was particularly tired so I ordered a 20 ounce Americano with sugar free dark and white chocolate. I drank 1/4 of it and am done. So stupid!

*My boys are boycotting sleep. It's not fun.

*I love the library's service that lets me select books online, and then they gather them from all the regional libraries and have them waiting for me all in one place. That way I can run in, grab all my books in one place and head up to the kid's area. SO NICE.

*Christian is turning 5 (FIVE!) in May and today he told me he wants a snowboard for his birthday. A few weeks ago it was a kayak. The boy loves to be active.

*I am looking forward to summer; we hope to take the kids camping this year! Should be fun. I'm also looking forward to family trips to the beach.

*Rottweilers have cute faces. I always think of Carl when I see them. I want a Carl.

*I hope you all have a wonderful day and weekend!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Taking a Break

Not from blogging. :-D

Today I feel like total and absolute... poo. I feel angry, irritated, anxious, impatient. My intestines are all wonky; half the time I can't have a bowel movement and the other half I'm racing for the toilet. I feel sluggish. Heavy. Headaches and muscle aches are in full force.

So, I decided today that starting tomorrow I will be trying to cut out sugar and wheat. :-O

This is a huge step for me, and it's not going to be easy. But I think sugar and wheat are adding a LOT to my stress levels; or rather my inability to handle and cope with stress. I need to stock up on more fruits and veggies, as we've eaten all I had. I'll be focusing on eating lean meats like chicken and turkey, eggs and fruits and vegetables. And drinking water. Lots of water. Flushing all the wheat and sugar from my system.

I don't think I'll go 100% off forever. Cuz I do like me some pizza and I think it's okay to eat it once in a while. But lately I've been eating sugar and wheat in excess. Truly, I have. And that has to stop.

Today I weighed 139, which puts me at 3 pounds up and technically I'm supposed to fast today. Except, I haven't. My sister made cinnamon rolls and I ate one, as well as an orange, chocolate, cranberry scone from yesterday's batch. Yes, I have been making scones on an almost daily basis. And yes, I have been eating them.

So, to combat my weight from skyrocketing and having to relose AGAIN and in trying to gain some sanity wherever I can, sugar and wheat are getting the boot. I'm not sure how long I'll do this, but at least 7 days. Oh, and I don't really want to replace my addiction with "sugar free" foods either. I don't think those chemicals are any better for me than real sugar. I'm not saying I'll never have a sugar free jack and jill americano, because I will. I'm just saying I won't be stocking my cupboards with diet drinks and foods that are sugar free. Amen.

If you have any tips, ideas, recipes, etc... I'm all ears!!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Public Enemy #1


I realized something last night, as I was laying in bed, with an unsettled stomach, after having thrown up again. This past week I've thrown up way more than usual. I have been eating a bit more, but not enough to make me so sick that I throw up. So I was left to wonder what was going on.

Then, it hit me. Stress. The uneasy, anxious feelings in the pit of my stomach are back. My stomach is always in some state of upheaval, my nerves are on edge, my brain is scattered.

I am stressed. Like, hard core.

There are many reasons why I'm stressed. For starters, my MIL has another MRI soon to see what the status of her brain cancer is, whether the tumor is growing back, etc.... I'm stressed about that because I don't think it's going to be good news. I almost feel like I'm back in the few days after we first learned she had brain cancer. Always a heavy feeling of dread hanging over me, in my subconscious. Stress.

Josh is super stressed at work. They fired someone on Monday, which puts even more pressure on him, which at this point is fairly unbelievable. I don't know how they can expect him to wear so many hats, to perform so many duties, to continue to pile on the responsibility, to not give a second thought to his wife and children at home. Stress.

My kiddos are freaking out. They are totally flying off the normal spectrum into crazy, out of control, needy little people. The problem here is that I don't know HOW to meet all their needs. In fact, I *can't* meet all their needs. Because they need their dad. And they miss him. And they are acting out because of that. Stress.

I am so incredibly tired. I must not be sleeping well at night because I feel drained all the time. From the moment I wake up, all I can think about is going back to bed. My house is in a state of disrepair. The laundry needs to be done; it just keeps piling up and up and up. It is quite possible the boys and I will not even get dressed today, at all. The kitchen I keep fairly cleaned up, because we're always in it and we need clean dishes. There is still dust everywhere. No matter how much I dust, the next morning there is a new, thin layer of dust. My kitchen floor is in desperate need of a good mopping. The bathrooms need to be cleaned. And yet, I can barely keep up with keeping my kids fed. Stress.

My weight is fluctuating like never before. Up and down and UP and down and UP UP UP. I was down 1/2 a pound today, but at the expense of throwing up last night. This is not good. I don't want to, in fact can't, live like this. Every morning I get on the scale with dread, hoping it's not up more than 2 pounds and knowing that even if it is, I won't be fasting. Stress.

It just feels like too much. Too much stress everywhere and it's affecting me physically. My stomach is constantly in knots. I've been throwing up because my body can't keep food down. My kids are experiencing a stressed, unhappy mommy. Josh has a nutcase for a wife. My house is all a shambles. STRESS.

I am not sure what I need to do to counteract all this stress. I know I need to take baby steps. So today I've decided to do the laundry. Just keep plugging away at it. Get it done. I'm not worried about showering or getting dressed or getting my errands done. Just the laundry. And hopefully getting enough water in, which is especially hard when my stomach is already so unsettled.

Anyway, I am thankful I figured out what the underlying problem is, and I'll be working on de-stressing my life as much as possible.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Sick and Tired

Bleh. I'm really tired. And on the verge of getting sick. I was up way past my bedtime last night. Although I did have lots of fun; 3 girls came over to do their taxes, and the 4 of us are pretty hilarious, if I do say so myself. Especially when we're all so tired that it causes us to act intoxicated. ;-)

My weight was up a little today, and you know what? I'm so incredibly tired of wrestling with my weight. I will keep my eye on it, but no more fasting for me. It's draining what little emotional and physical energy I have left. I am so TIRED of fighting with my weight. It will go up and then down, and I think that's normal and I'm just going to be okay with it.

Life is too short to obsess over the scale. I'm so incredibly thankful that I have managed to lose these 35ish pounds. I would love to lose the last 12ish pounds. But for now, I'm perfectly content right where I am. My pants are loose and my other clothes fit well. I can put them on and forget about what I look like the rest of the day. That's what I've always wanted; to just be comfortable in my own skin.

I think there will be a time, a few months from now, where I'll be ready to finish this journey once and for all, and I'll do my last round of HCG. But for now, I'm good. Also, my friend Jen pointed out... Every. Single. Time I've done HCG I have a major, major hormonal/emotional crash afterward. Like, epic. Like, I need to take two Xanax a day just to function. It lasts a week and then I'm good again. And even my hormone drops from Dr. Ray just can't touch it. So if I do decide to do that last round, this is something I will have to be very consciously aware of.

I'm taking it easy today and working on getting in enough water. I'm also working on getting enough protein.

I hope you're all doing well!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Famous last words

HA. I laugh at myself. After congratulating myself for being in the 130's, even at the end of the day when I'm at my heaviest... something happened. And honestly, I'm not entirely sure what.

Saturday we went to the wedding. I had a very good time with Josh (no kids!!) and Jen and Macy. I also got to see some dear friends, one from Denmark and also Tereza from Canada. =) The wedding was beautiful and it was SO nice to see all our friends. It made me miss them so much; we only lived there for 9 months but there were definite bonds forged between us.

Anyway, I ate very much in moderation all day. For breakfast I had a handful of raw almonds and Starbucks oatmeal, minus the nuts and fruit they give you. I also ordered a white chocolate americano with cream, but I only ended up drinking 1/4 of it because it was too sweet and I got jittery. Later they served chicken alfredo, spinach/pear/almond salad and dessert. I ate until just before full with the alfredo and salad, and then had a few bites of cheesecake and a couple bites of chocolate cake. We stopped on the way home and I ate 2 fried chicken strips. I also had 2 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a few Sour Patch Kids.

I didn't drink enough water, that is for sure. But I still didn't expect to get on the scale on Sunday and see what I saw.

I was up FOUR pounds. 4. I have never ever been up that much. I know a good deal of it was water weight. And those four pounds put me right over 140. I weighed in at 140.4; I about choked when I saw the number. I wasn't expecting it at all. So Sunday I fasted, drinking over 100oz of water. But I think I may have thrown my electrolytes off or something because towards evening I got super sick. I had gone to the store to buy steak, but when I got home I ended up just going to bed at 7pm.

I felt like I had the flu; my body ached and I had a headache and I was woozy. I didn't even end up eating my steak. I also had taken a laxative because I was so constipated that it hurt. Wow. Those things are brutal. I think I'd rather take the discomfort from being backed up over the intestinal cramping that came with the laxative! It woke up me at 3:15 and I had one bowel movement and then I couldn't go back to sleep until after 5:30.

Today I'm tired, so very tired. And even though I did lose almost 3 pounds so that I'm back down to 137.8 today and below 2 pounds gained, I'm still fairly close. Only 0.6 away from being 2 pounds over again. Blah. I still feel under the weather as well. So I'm going to try to drink plenty of water and eat sensibly. I had an egg and 1 turkey sausage and 1/4 piece of toast for breakfast and I'm working on a cup of coffee.

My intestines are still cramping from the laxative, so hopefully that will pass soon. Those things are dangerous! It feels like labor contractions, so sharp and intense and painful. And the end result is not nearly as wonderful as a newborn baby. :-P

In any case, I'll soldier on. No quitting or throwing in the towel just cuz times are tough.

Have a good Monday, and take time to breathe. ;-)

Friday, February 4, 2011


It's so easy to get distracted and have blinders on. Only seeing what's right in front of me, without looking around and seeing things from a different perspective.

A friend on Facebook posted this today, and I absolutely love it:

may the sun bring you new energy by day, may the moon softly restore you by night, may the rain wash away your worries, may the breeze blow new strength into your being. may you walk through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life. -apache blessing

Lately I have felt so bone dead exhausted. Drained. Like a shell of a person. Out of control. Scattered. Crazy. Overwhelmed. Helpless.

I've started to feel like I was spiraling out of control, like my weight was ballooning, like I was going to wake up one day weighing 500 pounds.

But then I stepped back. Just a few months ago I would have given my right arm and first born child to weigh something in the 130's. Even at the end of the day, at my heaviest, I am still in the 130's. Okay, and maybe I wouldn't have really given Kate away ;-) but it almost seemed impossible that such a day would come.

But here I am. In the 130's. Usually at 137. And at one point my end goal was 135, so I'm basically there. But it wasn't good enough. I didn't feel like I'd accomplished anything. But I HAVE.

I have lost 36 pounds. I am a single mother 4 days a week, and my kids and I are still alive. My husband and I are still madly in love, despite the strain of distance on our relationship. My children are all healthy. They love me despite my shortcomings. I have family and friends that I cherish deeply, who enrich my life beyond measure. I am so blessed!!!!!

So yes, maybe I screw up and eat peanut butter M&Ms and scones. Maybe I haven't learned the perfect balance yet. But I am getting there. I just need to look UP. Stop focusing on what is right in front of me, all the imperfections, all the things that aren't "just so".

Start focusing on all the blessings, the rich rewards I have. Even little things, like my boys running around the house with underwear on their heads, tiny fists pumping in the air, screaming, "UNDERWEAR MAN TO THE RESCUE!!". I mean, that's pretty freaking funny if you ask me. ;-) And step back to appreciate the little gestures of love Kate does for me; drawing me approximately 249 pictures a day, filling up my water bottle and bringing it to me. Sure, sometimes she has the attitude of a teenager and it scares me to think what she'll REALLY be like as a teenager.

But that is not for me to worry about. I don't need to worry about tomorrow. I just need to take care of today. Make today count. So that's what I'll do.

Happy Friday to everyone! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Lord Have Mercy

Sorry for the late post. Busy morning.

I had a horrible night's sleep last night. First, I couldn't fall asleep; I'm not sure why because I didn't have any caffeine later in the day. I just could not fall asleep. Then I kept freaking myself out that someone was hiding in my bathroom. I had drank a lot of water and every time I went to go to the bathroom I'd have mini-heart attacks, seeing intruders in the shadows.

I finally fell asleep sometime after 11 and at 12:30 Kate woke up crying from growing pains. She is forever asking to sleep in bed with me, and since Josh was gone I figured I may as well indulge her. So I gave her some calcium and put her to bed in my bed. The girl is a maniacal sleeper. She talks in her sleep and thrashes around. At one point her head was by my feet and her legs were shoved into her pillowcase.

I remember doing that as a kid. I was on the top bunk and my blankets were forever sliding down onto the ground. I was too tired to wake up to get them, but too cold to go with no covers, so I'd try to squeeze my body into my pillow case. :-D

Anyway, then at 3:30 in the morning the boys were up and yelling. Guess why? Christian's covers had fallen off and he was cold. Apparently he didn't inherit the genius gene to use his pillow case in emergencies. He also wanted a drink. So I got him settled in and then Owen woke up and was pouting and crying because HE wanted to sleep in my bed, but with Miss Maniac Sleeper already in it there was absolutely no extra room for him.

I finally got him settled down and tucked in and went back to bed. Then at 6:30 the boys were up again. And lately they've been waking up baring their teeth and with their claws out. So I'm getting woken up by a savage pack of wolves, basically, fighting and screaming and yelling and crying. And it was just too much. So I started my day off with a good cry.

It got better after that because my mom and 2 sisters came over. I tried my hand at baked doughnuts. They ended up being a little on the dry side, but they look pretty:
I can't wait for Josh to get home. This week has been really, really rough. The kids are all acting out and I haven't been taking good care of myself. Not a good game plan.

I have done much better today. I've consumed over 64oz of water so far, and will get in 100 by the end of the day. I did eat one donut (they are small) and half a scone. I also had 3 egg whites and 2 granola bars. I'm not sure what I'm making for dinner yet, but just cutting back on the baked goods and not eating M&Ms is a step in the right direction.

Tomorrow I leave for the wedding. I'll try to check in before I go, but I've got so much work to do before I leave that I'm not sure if I'll have time. We'll see how it goes.

My kiddos are crying out for attention again, so off I go.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Coffee and Scones

Dear me. I am such a homebody. I love baking. I love eating. I love having a warm and cozy home.

Yesterday my sister and I tried a new scone recipe. We made cranberry orange and cinnamon sugar. SO delicious.

We each ate one last night. Okay, maybe one and a half. FINE! Two. I ate two. I was up 1.2 pounds today. ;-) And I just really can't be bothered to care. I also ate peanut butter M&Ms yesterday. But I stopped myself from eating them all and drank a lot of water. That counts for something, right?

But then, I set up this little arrangement and it was waiting for me this morning:
And it made me SO happy! Fresh coffee and scones for breakfast!? With my sister? Yes, please!!

I really just need to get some low fat recipes I guess. Or learn how to stop at one scone. I enjoy food. A lot.

Anyway, I've definitely been more stressed this week and that has definitely led me to bake more and eat more. Not super great for someone trying to lose weight, especially when everything is so stressful that the solace and immense enjoyment I get from having a scone and cup of coffee is totally worth it. Even if I do gain weight.

Still trying to find my way here. Clearly, lol! :-D

I'm not moving my ticker. It goes up and it goes down and I'm tired of fiddling with it. I moved it to 137.4, which is what my weight usually settles on. I'll leave it there until I start my next round.

I hope you're all doing well! I'm looking forward to this weekend. Josh and I are going out of town to a wedding, and we'll be kid free! I'm also looking forward to wearing my dress; it's a size 8 petite. It's snug across my shoulder blades/ribs but it's flattering cuz it has lots of ruffles on the skirt part. I'll try to take a picture if I remember.

I better be off. I had a sort of disaster with some diatomaceous earth. You can read more about that here.

I'll leave you with this.
I asked Kate why she drew a picture of me crying. (It can't be due to the fact that I've broken down and cried at least once a week since we moved back. That's too obvious.) She told me I wasn't crying. Those are freckles. Ah. Makes total sense. Everyone has freckles on their eyes, right? Right.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

What goes in, must come out.

So, I did it. I pooped. :-D I knew I would, and that's why I wasn't worried about the weight gain. I was down to 137.2 this morning, just one pound up from my lowest weight.

I am working on (and failing miserably) at drinking more water today. I just can't seem to get it down, and it tastes funny to me. Weird.

Not much else to report. Oh! Except, Matt--- I totally made my own Karo syrup. It's super duper complicated and difficult. You take sugar and add boiling water. :-D I'm sure the real stuff has other ingredients, cuz it somehow stays liquid instead of turning back into a solid. But it's definitely doable.

I'm tired, but I did get some really good sleep last night for the first time in a long time. I didn't dream. It was all black. And all good. =)

I guess that's it for today. Happy Tuesday!