Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Public Enemy #1


I realized something last night, as I was laying in bed, with an unsettled stomach, after having thrown up again. This past week I've thrown up way more than usual. I have been eating a bit more, but not enough to make me so sick that I throw up. So I was left to wonder what was going on.

Then, it hit me. Stress. The uneasy, anxious feelings in the pit of my stomach are back. My stomach is always in some state of upheaval, my nerves are on edge, my brain is scattered.

I am stressed. Like, hard core.

There are many reasons why I'm stressed. For starters, my MIL has another MRI soon to see what the status of her brain cancer is, whether the tumor is growing back, etc.... I'm stressed about that because I don't think it's going to be good news. I almost feel like I'm back in the few days after we first learned she had brain cancer. Always a heavy feeling of dread hanging over me, in my subconscious. Stress.

Josh is super stressed at work. They fired someone on Monday, which puts even more pressure on him, which at this point is fairly unbelievable. I don't know how they can expect him to wear so many hats, to perform so many duties, to continue to pile on the responsibility, to not give a second thought to his wife and children at home. Stress.

My kiddos are freaking out. They are totally flying off the normal spectrum into crazy, out of control, needy little people. The problem here is that I don't know HOW to meet all their needs. In fact, I *can't* meet all their needs. Because they need their dad. And they miss him. And they are acting out because of that. Stress.

I am so incredibly tired. I must not be sleeping well at night because I feel drained all the time. From the moment I wake up, all I can think about is going back to bed. My house is in a state of disrepair. The laundry needs to be done; it just keeps piling up and up and up. It is quite possible the boys and I will not even get dressed today, at all. The kitchen I keep fairly cleaned up, because we're always in it and we need clean dishes. There is still dust everywhere. No matter how much I dust, the next morning there is a new, thin layer of dust. My kitchen floor is in desperate need of a good mopping. The bathrooms need to be cleaned. And yet, I can barely keep up with keeping my kids fed. Stress.

My weight is fluctuating like never before. Up and down and UP and down and UP UP UP. I was down 1/2 a pound today, but at the expense of throwing up last night. This is not good. I don't want to, in fact can't, live like this. Every morning I get on the scale with dread, hoping it's not up more than 2 pounds and knowing that even if it is, I won't be fasting. Stress.

It just feels like too much. Too much stress everywhere and it's affecting me physically. My stomach is constantly in knots. I've been throwing up because my body can't keep food down. My kids are experiencing a stressed, unhappy mommy. Josh has a nutcase for a wife. My house is all a shambles. STRESS.

I am not sure what I need to do to counteract all this stress. I know I need to take baby steps. So today I've decided to do the laundry. Just keep plugging away at it. Get it done. I'm not worried about showering or getting dressed or getting my errands done. Just the laundry. And hopefully getting enough water in, which is especially hard when my stomach is already so unsettled.

Anyway, I am thankful I figured out what the underlying problem is, and I'll be working on de-stressing my life as much as possible.

1 comment: