Tuesday, February 18, 2014

What do I want?

I've been asking myself this recently.  What is it I really want? What's my goal?

To be ripped, have a certain body fat percentage or look like this:
Honestly? No.  I don't like that look.  At all.  It's too masculine for me, personally.  I don't really like defined muscles like that.  I'd rather just be toned, all over.

Like so:

That girl in the turquoise bikini is actually fairly realistic for me.  All the other ones are probably still too ripped for me, ha ha. :-P Not that I wouldn't mind those arms and legs, mind you, but I don't have the drive needed to get them.  I just want to get the extra weight off and be me.

I want to be confident.  Not because I know I'm a sexpot bombshell.  Not because I am sinewy and ripped.  Not because I'm a certain size or weight.  I want to be confident because my body is exactly where it should be.  A healthy weight and BMI for me.  I am pretty... lazy? I just don't have super high aspirations or hardcore goals.  In a way it makes it harder, because I'm not DRIVEN.  

Happy.  I want to be happy.  Not skinny and angry.  Not fat and depressed.  I want to be healthy and happy.  

I've seen this all over the internet, and at first I despised it.  Probably because I know it's true.
In any case, it's true for me.  These last two weeks I have literally been poisoning my body with crap. Total processed, no nutrient junk.  And you know what? I feel like crap.  From head to toe, body and mind.  Not a great way to kick off a trip to Mexico.

I kind of just gave up, since I wouldn't be at my goal or anywhere near it anyway.  I regret that decision. I feel gross. BUT.  I am going to go to Mexico and I am going to enjoy it.  I am going to lay in the sun and soak up the warmth.  I am going to sleep. Uninterrupted.  As long as I want.  I am going to hold hands with my love, I am going to walk on the beach with him, I am going to share a drink with him, and celebrate the last ten years we've had together.

And when I get back?  I will begin this journey once again.  I'm not going to give up, even though I have more stops than starts, even though I've lost and gained the same 10 pounds way too many times. It's a journey and a process.  

I'm committed to it.  I'm committed to health. I'm committed to happiness.  I'm committed to me.


  1. I think Mexico will be just the break you need RA. Don't beat yourself up - you've had a lot to deal with. It's a crazy, viscous cycle - telling yourself you aren't going to eat crap only to eat the crap and feel like crap. It's hard to break it...but you will! Praying for you! You should check out some on the healthy "crap" food on the Trim Healthy Mama plan - Cake in a Mug and skinny chocolate are amazing and healthy choices. xxx Praying for you.

  2. I agree. Be realistic and fair to yourself. The trip will be your nice reset button! Hope you have an awesome time!