One. Day. At. A. Time.

Matt, thanks so much for your kind and wise words.  I do need to just take it one day at a time, and not look at the whole, huge picture.  I can almost feel myself deflate when I think about being pregnant for another 6.5 months.

On Friday I had to go to the hospital for IV fluids because I was so dehydrated. I didn't realize how bad it was until after I got the fluids and proceeded to use the bathroom at least 4-5 times in the next few hours.  I've been going to the bathroom once, maybe twice a day. Oops.  It's just so hard to keep anything down.

They also gave me phenergan in my IV, which is an anti-nausea.  Oh my word, that is a nasty drug!!! I felt high.  My tongue was swollen and I couldn't form words, I couldn't focus my eyes, and it made me intensely sleepy, but every time I started to doze off I'd have these weird full-body cramps that gave me the heebie jeebies.  So weird.  And so not fun.

Josh came down and sat with me, and I was thankful for that.  I was so, so, so cold, so he wrangled up some warm blankets, a heating pad, and rubber gloves filled with hot water that I held onto.  I had to get 2 liters and it took 2 hours or so, so we were there quite a while.

Thankfully, my sister was able to watch my kiddos.  Normally, once I've received the fluids I feel better right away.  I'm not sure if it was the phenergan or what, but this time I felt just as bad and basically came home and slept the rest of the day. 

The zofran didn't help, so the OB gave me a prescription for another anti-nausea but guess what? It's for phenergan and now I'm scared to take it after the reaction I had at the hospital! I did take one pill yesterday, and ended up sleeping all day long.  And then I threw up horribly.  So not sure if it's worth it, especially because during the week I don't have the luxury of staying in bed all day! :-P

Josh has been so incredibly amazing through all of this.  I think we both kind of forgot how sick I really get; or maybe I just haven't been this sick since being pregnant with Kate.  I try not to think about it too much, otherwise I'll sink into depression and despair.  I just don't understand why my body doesn't like pregnancy.  But whatever, it doesn't, and I can't change that. 

Anyway, I'm trying to take it one day at a time, not think about the future, not think about how many more days of nausea/throwing up/headaches I have in front of me.  At this point I can't even focus on the new baby I'll get in the end, because it all just seems too far away. 

So I'll take it one day, one hour at a time.  Try to figure out something, anything that helps me not feel like death warmed over. Try to be a good  mom and wife.  And know that, this too shall pass. :)

Smoothies

Hi All,
I apologize for my spartan posting.  I just am so sick, that I rarely can get on the computer for long, and I don't want to just come on and whine. :-P

Yep, pregnancy is NOT my friend.  I really don't understand it. I mean, weren't women MADE to carry babies!?  So why does my body react so negatively to pregnancy??  My sister had a breeze of a pregnancy.  But not I.

I've actually already had semi-panic attacks because I really don't think I can live like this for the next 6.5 months.  That's a long time to feel like utter crap and try to take care of a family.  I've been having lots of conversations with God, but it seems this is my lot, for now.  Not even the prescription drug helps me.  So I just focus on one day at a time, and getting through today.

I've been having real issues with getting any protein in.  Meat = YUCK.  So yesterday I was languishing in bed, trying to figure out what to eat that would stay down, and I got an idea.  I have protein shake mix, so I whipped up a smoothie and it was actually really good.

I used:
Milk
Chocolate protein powder
Flax Seeds (ground)
Strawberries
Metamucil (ha.)

And it tastes really good, keeps me full for a looooong time, and it stayed down! I just have to make sure I sip it slowly.  I made another one this morning, and I'm hoping it helps me feel better.

I basically have to graze all day long in order not to be sick, and almost exclusively on carbs.  This is so not good for weight gain or constipation (which I have a horrible, horrible, horrible case of).  I stepped on the scale at one point last week and I was up 4 pounds. Gulp.  Not additional, but total.  Which isn't an insane amount, but I have never gained weight in the first trimester before. So despite not being able to keep much down, I'm still gaining weight. Yippee! :-P

I'm not super worried about the gaining weight part. I know it's part of pregnancy, and a healthy baby is the only thing that matters.  BUT what I am very worried about is a "big" baby.  I say "big" with quotation marks because Owen was my biggest baby at 7.4 pounds.  Which, really, isn't big.  But for me, for my body, it was too big.  I was in agony at the end of my pregnancy.  Literally could NOT get comfortable; I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand, I couldn't lay down.  My back was giving out so I couldn't walk.  I took Vicodin. VICODIN!!!  I went very nearly insane, I was in sooooo much pain all the time.

Today I have my first appt with my OB, so I plan to talk to him about that today.  I don't want to be induced early because I've seen too many babies/mamas have problems from being induced early.  But I want to know if he has any ideas/tips/suggestions on what to do to not feel sick, but not have to eat carbs like they are going out of style, in the hopes that my baby won't be so big.

Anyway, that's the latest with me.  We get to see the baby again today, and if I can figure out how I'll post a picture of the u/s picture. :)

MaryBeth- OH. MY. GOODNESS!!!!!!!!  Paris!?!?!  Have a wonderful, fantastic, spectacular trip!!! And hold on tight to that sweet husband of yours.  Eat a pain au chocolat for me!! The Eiffel Tower is truly amazing... and FREAKY at the top when it sways in the wind!  Enjoy yourself immensely, my dear! And Happy Birthday!!

To everyone else- THANK YOU for being my friend, for reading what I write and for taking the time to comment.  You are sweetie pies!!!

Birthday Girl

Yesterday was my birthday and boy howdy, was I ever spoiled!!

Josh took me to the coast for the weekend and we had a super nice, relaxing time.  We did absolutely nothing, except go to lunch with his parents on Saturday.  The rest of the time we seriously laid around.  And we were in bed by 8:30pm both nights. Are we old fogeys or what!? :-D

My sister watched the kiddos all weekend, and then once we got back Josh took Monday off and painted our room! It's something that's been on the  to-do list for a while, but we never could pick a color and there is so much MORE we wanted to do, that we just kind of put everything on hold.  I love the color and the way it turned out, and now we're both wanting to actually buy bedroom furniture. :) That'll have to wait though, cuz we're not made of money!

I also got a camera!!!! From Josh and my sister, so hopefully soon I can take a proper picture of my bedroom and post it. 

Yesterday was a baddish day, health wise.  I simply can not figure out what the trick is.  So far, this is what I've come up with:

*I have to go to bed with a FULL stomach.
*I have to take a whole Unisom pill every night, and ALL my other vitamins.
*I have to get up first thing and drink water with my ginger root pills and B12.
*I have to keep moving.

It seems like if any of those things don't happen, then I am one sick puppy the next day.  And it really sucks, cuz not even the prescription Zofran (anti-nausea med) helps. :( BOO.

Anyway, TODAY has been great so far. I finally swept my kitchen floor, which hadn't happened in seriously 2 weeks. :-O  And I even ran the dishwasher, started a load of laundry, showered, and made lunch and breakfast. Go me! ;-)

All in all I'm doing well.  I go back to the doctor next week and get another ultrasound, so that will be fun.  Mostly I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, and make today count.

I hope you're all well and enjoying the fall!

8 weeks and ... puking

Hello, Hello!
First of all, thank you so much for your congrats, warm wishes, and support!! It means the world.

So I had been feeling really, really good.  And now... now I'm back to puking. HA.

It's okay, though, It's not the worst I've been and I can still function a little.  Like, I get up and immediately take my pills and eat some kind of carb.  Then I sit on the couch until they kick in.  Then I'll get up and stick a load of laundry in.  Then sit on the couch "recuperating" for 20 minutes. ;-)

So, things are moving slowly, but at least I'm not bed ridden, I haven't had to go to the hospital for IV fluids and I can patch-work help my little family.

Yesterday was Owen's birthday. He turned four. FOUR! :-O 

We had a very low key family party and now I'm listening to the unending sounds of the motorized cars we got him.  Hoping those batteries run out soon. ;-) hee hee

Just thought I'd check in and make sure you all know how grateful I am for your comments!

I didn't weigh this morning because I was too sick, but when I do I'll fill you in. :)

My Personal Miracle

Hi Guys!
So, I thought I'd just give you a tiny bit of background.

I was pregnant 5 times in 2.5 years, which resulted in my 3 littles and 2 miscarriages.  My hormones got really messed up, and after I had Owen I got really severe PPD.  It was untreated for 7 months because I didn't know what it was, and thought I just needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with life.  One day it was all just too, too much and I knew I needed help.  So I got it.  I was put on Lexapro and my life turned around 180 degrees for the better within 24 hours. No joke!!

However, as time went on the Lexapro wasn't working as well, and due to insurance changes my therapist got switched as well.  Due to a combination of factors, I decided to go off the hardcore meds, as they weren't helping anyway, and try to go a natural route.  I saw a naturopath, started taking herbs, and hoped for the best.  Unfortunately, it didn't work.  I was back at square one and scared out of my mind, because I didn't know what to do next.  I felt like I'd tried everything and nothing was working anymore, and there was no way I could live like this.

So I prayed with an elder in our church, and realized that I had actually lost hope for my life.  Just realizing that, and choosing to believe that Jesus loves me and was watching over me helped.  But it didn't solve all the problems.  Shortly after that my aunt told me about a bio-nutritionist in Arizona and I started seeing Dr. Ray.  His treatment really helped, but after a while it felt like it too was becoming ineffective. 

Then I found out that he also can treat chemical imbalances in the brain and THAT is when my life really turned around.  It made the biggest difference, and it stuck.  I also started seeing a new therapist and was put on Zoloft, which helped tremendously.

Since before Owen was born I had told Josh I couldn't ever do this again... meaning, be pregnant.  I was in SOOOO much pain that I was taking Vicodin, I couldn't walk because my back was so bad, I couldn't get out of bed, much less take care of 3 children all under 2.5 years!!!!  It was a horribly hard time, and I just never, ever wanted to be pregnant again. Especially after going through PPD and struggling for close to 3 years to find an answer for that.

But slowly, as time went by, I started feeling a tugging in my heart.  I'd always felt there was someone missing. Even when Owen was an infant, I'd look around, wondering who was missing, but all 3 of them were there.  I just *knew* someone else was supposed to be here with us.  And for a while I couldn't even think about it, because I didn't think I'd EVER be able to handle pregnancy again. 

Fast forward 3 years, and I've got some answers and for the first time in 5 years I actually felt like myself! I enjoyed life.  I enjoyed my kids; like, really truly ENJOYED them.  And then the thought creeped into my mind... what about the one who was missing?  For close to a year Josh and I talked... we talked with each other, we talked with my doctor, we talked with my therapist, exploring if pregnancy was an option.  What would happen regarding my PPD?  How would we keep a handle on that and treat it? Would it be safe to continue taking my Zoloft during pregnancy?

We took it slow and prayed and talked for many, many months.  And eventually we both had full faith and peace that yes, a pregnancy was viable, we could do this. It wouldn't be unrighteous or unfair to the children we already have.  Zoloft is safe to take during pregnancy, especially since I'm on the lowest dose. So we prayed that if it was meant to be, I'd get pregnant.





And, I did! We were so excited, and yet nervous at the same time.  Cuz once it's done, it's done, you know!?  And then... the sickness started. Oh man, the sickness. I was sick all day, every day. The nausea was unending, the headaches were intense.  I couldn't do anything but lay in bed or be in the bathroom throwing up.  Josh had to pick up ALL the slack.  The dishes, the laundry, the meals, the kids. Everything.  And he did so with a smile and a kiss on the forehead for me, as he tucked my hot water bottle into bed with me because I was constantly freezing. <3

But, I couldn't live like that.  So I prayed. I had a little chat with God, and asked Him if He could please help me.  Help me not be so sick.  Help me so I could take care of my home and my family, and not rely on Josh so heavily.  And then someone told me about ginger root and B12 and seabands.  I started using all 3 and noticed a significant improvement almost right away.  I was wearing the seabands 24/7 and I think I overdid it, as they started to hurt really bad (they use accupressure to relieve nausea, and I had bruises on my arms from them).  So I stopped those, but continued the ginger root and B12, as well as all the rest of my vitamins.

And day by day, things got better. To the point that I thought the baby must have died, because I have NEVER felt this good while pregnant.  And then I had some really bad cramps, so bad they woke me up from a dead sleep.  And I just was sure the baby was gone, because how could I have so little nausea and such bad cramps and still have a good outcome!??? So I went in for an ultrasound, and there was my little baby love!! Heart beating away at 156 beats per minute, measuring right on track!! Nothing short of a miracle.

And now, as the days continue to go by and I continue to feel SO GOOD, I have to just trust God that everything is going okay.  That He has chosen to perform this miracle for me, personally.  I am usually sick the entire 9 months, so sick that I have to go to the hospital for IV fluids, am on Zofran or some other anti-nausea med, and just generally am a member of the walking dead for those months. But this time is so different.  I feel so good; I forget I'm even pregnant because I feel... NORMAL. 

I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks, and although there is a part of me that is fearful, that I have to really work with to be in rest and trust God completely, I hope to see that little bean's heartbeat still going as strong as ever.

So this pregnancy is kind of a big deal. ;-)  And we're so thankful for it, so thankful we get to welcome the missing little person who is meant to join our family.  I am convinced it is a girl.  Kate wants a girl.  Christian wants a boy. And Owen just wonders how the baby got in there, how it's going to get out, and how I'm not eating the baby since it's in my tummy. :-D

Anyway, that's the back history for anyone who is interested.  I'm excited to be on this journey and can't wait to hold my little bundle of love in June!!