Tuesday, November 1, 2011

My Personal Miracle

Hi Guys!
So, I thought I'd just give you a tiny bit of background.

I was pregnant 5 times in 2.5 years, which resulted in my 3 littles and 2 miscarriages.  My hormones got really messed up, and after I had Owen I got really severe PPD.  It was untreated for 7 months because I didn't know what it was, and thought I just needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with life.  One day it was all just too, too much and I knew I needed help.  So I got it.  I was put on Lexapro and my life turned around 180 degrees for the better within 24 hours. No joke!!

However, as time went on the Lexapro wasn't working as well, and due to insurance changes my therapist got switched as well.  Due to a combination of factors, I decided to go off the hardcore meds, as they weren't helping anyway, and try to go a natural route.  I saw a naturopath, started taking herbs, and hoped for the best.  Unfortunately, it didn't work.  I was back at square one and scared out of my mind, because I didn't know what to do next.  I felt like I'd tried everything and nothing was working anymore, and there was no way I could live like this.

So I prayed with an elder in our church, and realized that I had actually lost hope for my life.  Just realizing that, and choosing to believe that Jesus loves me and was watching over me helped.  But it didn't solve all the problems.  Shortly after that my aunt told me about a bio-nutritionist in Arizona and I started seeing Dr. Ray.  His treatment really helped, but after a while it felt like it too was becoming ineffective. 

Then I found out that he also can treat chemical imbalances in the brain and THAT is when my life really turned around.  It made the biggest difference, and it stuck.  I also started seeing a new therapist and was put on Zoloft, which helped tremendously.

Since before Owen was born I had told Josh I couldn't ever do this again... meaning, be pregnant.  I was in SOOOO much pain that I was taking Vicodin, I couldn't walk because my back was so bad, I couldn't get out of bed, much less take care of 3 children all under 2.5 years!!!!  It was a horribly hard time, and I just never, ever wanted to be pregnant again. Especially after going through PPD and struggling for close to 3 years to find an answer for that.

But slowly, as time went by, I started feeling a tugging in my heart.  I'd always felt there was someone missing. Even when Owen was an infant, I'd look around, wondering who was missing, but all 3 of them were there.  I just *knew* someone else was supposed to be here with us.  And for a while I couldn't even think about it, because I didn't think I'd EVER be able to handle pregnancy again. 

Fast forward 3 years, and I've got some answers and for the first time in 5 years I actually felt like myself! I enjoyed life.  I enjoyed my kids; like, really truly ENJOYED them.  And then the thought creeped into my mind... what about the one who was missing?  For close to a year Josh and I talked... we talked with each other, we talked with my doctor, we talked with my therapist, exploring if pregnancy was an option.  What would happen regarding my PPD?  How would we keep a handle on that and treat it? Would it be safe to continue taking my Zoloft during pregnancy?

We took it slow and prayed and talked for many, many months.  And eventually we both had full faith and peace that yes, a pregnancy was viable, we could do this. It wouldn't be unrighteous or unfair to the children we already have.  Zoloft is safe to take during pregnancy, especially since I'm on the lowest dose. So we prayed that if it was meant to be, I'd get pregnant.

And, I did! We were so excited, and yet nervous at the same time.  Cuz once it's done, it's done, you know!?  And then... the sickness started. Oh man, the sickness. I was sick all day, every day. The nausea was unending, the headaches were intense.  I couldn't do anything but lay in bed or be in the bathroom throwing up.  Josh had to pick up ALL the slack.  The dishes, the laundry, the meals, the kids. Everything.  And he did so with a smile and a kiss on the forehead for me, as he tucked my hot water bottle into bed with me because I was constantly freezing. <3

But, I couldn't live like that.  So I prayed. I had a little chat with God, and asked Him if He could please help me.  Help me not be so sick.  Help me so I could take care of my home and my family, and not rely on Josh so heavily.  And then someone told me about ginger root and B12 and seabands.  I started using all 3 and noticed a significant improvement almost right away.  I was wearing the seabands 24/7 and I think I overdid it, as they started to hurt really bad (they use accupressure to relieve nausea, and I had bruises on my arms from them).  So I stopped those, but continued the ginger root and B12, as well as all the rest of my vitamins.

And day by day, things got better. To the point that I thought the baby must have died, because I have NEVER felt this good while pregnant.  And then I had some really bad cramps, so bad they woke me up from a dead sleep.  And I just was sure the baby was gone, because how could I have so little nausea and such bad cramps and still have a good outcome!??? So I went in for an ultrasound, and there was my little baby love!! Heart beating away at 156 beats per minute, measuring right on track!! Nothing short of a miracle.

And now, as the days continue to go by and I continue to feel SO GOOD, I have to just trust God that everything is going okay.  That He has chosen to perform this miracle for me, personally.  I am usually sick the entire 9 months, so sick that I have to go to the hospital for IV fluids, am on Zofran or some other anti-nausea med, and just generally am a member of the walking dead for those months. But this time is so different.  I feel so good; I forget I'm even pregnant because I feel... NORMAL. 

I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks, and although there is a part of me that is fearful, that I have to really work with to be in rest and trust God completely, I hope to see that little bean's heartbeat still going as strong as ever.

So this pregnancy is kind of a big deal. ;-)  And we're so thankful for it, so thankful we get to welcome the missing little person who is meant to join our family.  I am convinced it is a girl.  Kate wants a girl.  Christian wants a boy. And Owen just wonders how the baby got in there, how it's going to get out, and how I'm not eating the baby since it's in my tummy. :-D

Anyway, that's the back history for anyone who is interested.  I'm excited to be on this journey and can't wait to hold my little bundle of love in June!!


  1. Oh I'm just so excited for you!! What a wonderful journey you're on!!!! Josh must be so excited!!

  2. Super wow! What an amazing story...the kind that doesn't get told often enough as well. Great courage and perseverance...congrats on your new blessing!

  3. Hi Ruth Anne -

    Honestly, when I see that someone has a long post, I'll usually just sort of skim over it, but I got pulled into yours from the start and had to read it word for word. Great post! I've always loved the very open way you talk about things and this is a great example of it.