She's Gone

Dear Mom,

Thank you.  Thank you for all the years we had with you.  Thank you for your warm smile, for your contagious laugh, for your good heart.  You were an amazing woman.  Truly amazing, and I'm so thankful that I got to be part of your family these last ten years.

You raised 16 amazing children, one of whom I get to call my husband.  Your smile will never be forgotten.  I am so glad that you are free!! Free from your body that was so broken.  Free to be healthy and express yourself, to move and bless.  

I can feel you.  I can sense such a strong spirit of peace and joy.  So much happiness.  

Even though it's hard now, I'm so glad we all have each other.  Your 16 beautiful children, your parents, your husband.  It's priceless.

I know I'll see you again.  I know you are in a better place.  I love you.

Forever and always,

me

What do I want?

I've been asking myself this recently.  What is it I really want? What's my goal?

To be ripped, have a certain body fat percentage or look like this:

Honestly? No.  I don't like that look.  At all.  It's too masculine for me, personally.  I don't really like defined muscles like that.  I'd rather just be toned, all over.

Like so:

That girl in the turquoise bikini is actually fairly realistic for me.  All the other ones are probably still too ripped for me, ha ha. :-P Not that I wouldn't mind those arms and legs, mind you, but I don't have the drive needed to get them.  I just want to get the extra weight off and be me.

I want to be confident.  Not because I know I'm a sexpot bombshell.  Not because I am sinewy and ripped.  Not because I'm a certain size or weight.  I want to be confident because my body is exactly where it should be.  A healthy weight and BMI for me.  I am pretty... lazy? I just don't have super high aspirations or hardcore goals.  In a way it makes it harder, because I'm not DRIVEN.  

Happy.  I want to be happy.  Not skinny and angry.  Not fat and depressed.  I want to be healthy and happy.  

I've seen this all over the internet, and at first I despised it.  Probably because I know it's true.

In any case, it's true for me.  These last two weeks I have literally been poisoning my body with crap. Total processed, no nutrient junk.  And you know what? I feel like crap.  From head to toe, body and mind.  Not a great way to kick off a trip to Mexico.

I kind of just gave up, since I wouldn't be at my goal or anywhere near it anyway.  I regret that decision. I feel gross. BUT.  I am going to go to Mexico and I am going to enjoy it.  I am going to lay in the sun and soak up the warmth.  I am going to sleep. Uninterrupted.  As long as I want.  I am going to hold hands with my love, I am going to walk on the beach with him, I am going to share a drink with him, and celebrate the last ten years we've had together.

And when I get back?  I will begin this journey once again.  I'm not going to give up, even though I have more stops than starts, even though I've lost and gained the same 10 pounds way too many times. It's a journey and a process.  

I'm committed to it.  I'm committed to health. I'm committed to happiness.  I'm committed to me.

Hanging On...

Hi guys,

I'm here.  I'm fighting.  I'm emotional. 

I haven't started HCG again, because I already have enough stress in my life and I can't handle more.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with the fact that I'm still so much larger than I ever imagined I'd be when we go to Mexico.  Life is so much more than WEIGHT.

My MIL is doing worse and worse.  She's confined to a hospital bed, has a catheter, needs to be fed.  It's heartbreaking.  I cry a lot.  I know she is going to a far better place, I know she will be free of this broken body, but I'm also going to MISS her.  A lot.  

Josh is gone a ton this month.  We are supposed to leave for Mexico in 12 days.  Honestly? I don't want to go.  I don't want to miss a single precious day with mom.  My children are freaking out. 

None of us have really, truly recovered from the scare with Nora.  We are physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted.  The kids cry.  They scream.  Owen has developed several fairly severe tics.  Anytime Josh is gone, the boys flip out.  Did I mention he's scheduled to be gone 9 of the last 14 days of this month?

Yeah. It's tough.  I'm not giving up.  I've gained 4.5 pounds of what I lost back.  I'm getting stuff for green smoothies, cuz I figure that's an easy and delicious way to get some low calorie, healthy greens in.

I'll keep you posted.  Sorry I haven't been posting as much.  I've just been dealing with life.

Psalm 143:10 

Help me to do your will, for you are my God. Lead me in good paths, for your Spirit is good.

Hi :)

Hi there!
Things have been busy and I haven't been posting.  I haven't been doing HCG either. ;-)

I gave myself some time off and was very scared of what the scale would say.  But I'm only up 3 pounds total, so not tooooo bad.

I am binging today and tomorrow, and plan to do another 21 day round which will end right around the time we go to Mexico.

I'm happy and content.  I'm not where I thought I'd be when we take our Mexico trip, but I'm not disgusted with myself either.  I'm learning to love who I am, not what I look like.

Things are settling down around here; they got pretty crazy after Nora's medical scare.  The other kids kinda freaked out, then I kinda freaked out, and Josh is gone a lot, which adds to the craziness.

I have been FREEZING and we aren't even having snow over here!! I want to sit in a hot bath all day.  Last night I actually got out of bed to take a hot shower, because I was so cold!

Anyway, we are doing well and I'll keep checking in as I can. :)