Quicksand

 

THIS is how I feel.  I am struggling and struggling, fighting and kicking and yet, I just keep sinking deeper.

I don't know what to do.

I weighed yesterday. 144.4  Yes, One hundred forty four pounds.  Yikes.

I feel like if I try to do the 17 Day Diet, then I get all freaky about being so restricted and go way overboard.  And then I lay in bed, every night, feeling bloated and gross and vowing to myself that the next day will be better.  And then the next day comes and it's stressful and busy and I'm exhausted and by the end of the day all I want to do is sit and watch my show and shove candy into my mouth.

That's the thing.  I'm not eating tons of junk food during the day.  But at the end of the day, me and candy... we go overboard.  And it's showing on the scale.  

I feel like these two women are inside of me and are constantly warring.  The fat one NEEDS food to cope, to destress, to manage to squeak by.  The thin one is also fighting, telling me how much better I'll look and feel if I'm healthy.  Wanting to be a good example to my daughter.  Wanting to feel good about myself and not allow food to have power over me.

It is totally and utterly exhausting.  This struggle goes on all day, every day.  And clearly, the fat lady is currently winning.

So this is my plan for now.  I am going to follow the 17 Day Diet, BUT I will allow myself to have ONE SERVING of candy at night.  And not one serving of each kind, cuz  let me tell ya, I have a veritable candy store in my cupboard.  One serving of one type.  And that's all.  Eat it slowly and enjoy it.  And make sure I eat healthy during the day. 

I hope it works.  I need/want to see the scale go back down.  I don't feel good about myself.  I don't have any energy.  My sleep is horrible; I have weird dreams, wake up and can't go back to sleep, feel drugged all day due to sheer exhaustion.  This is not okay.

So I am once again, for the 3rd time, going to pick myself back up and try to start the diet again.  Try to learn healthy, lifelong habits that will stick.  Learn to live in moderation, so I don't feel deprived and yet I don't allow myself to go overboard either.

I am trying to find my way, and I'm sorry I'm not the Golden Girl success story that some other bloggers perhaps are.  But I'm not going to give up.  I'm not.  I will conquer this and I will be healthy and happy. Amen!