Stress.
I realized something last night, as I was laying in bed, with an unsettled stomach, after having thrown up again. This past week I've thrown up way more than usual. I have been eating a bit more, but not enough to make me so sick that I throw up. So I was left to wonder what was going on.
Then, it hit me. Stress. The uneasy, anxious feelings in the pit of my stomach are back. My stomach is always in some state of upheaval, my nerves are on edge, my brain is scattered.
I am stressed. Like, hard core.
There are many reasons why I'm stressed. For starters, my MIL has another MRI soon to see what the status of her brain cancer is, whether the tumor is growing back, etc.... I'm stressed about that because I don't think it's going to be good news. I almost feel like I'm back in the few days after we first learned she had brain cancer. Always a heavy feeling of dread hanging over me, in my subconscious. Stress.
Josh is super stressed at work. They fired someone on Monday, which puts even more pressure on him, which at this point is fairly unbelievable. I don't know how they can expect him to wear so many hats, to perform so many duties, to continue to pile on the responsibility, to not give a second thought to his wife and children at home. Stress.
My kiddos are freaking out. They are totally flying off the normal spectrum into crazy, out of control, needy little people. The problem here is that I don't know HOW to meet all their needs. In fact, I *can't* meet all their needs. Because they need their dad. And they miss him. And they are acting out because of that. Stress.
I am so incredibly tired. I must not be sleeping well at night because I feel drained all the time. From the moment I wake up, all I can think about is going back to bed. My house is in a state of disrepair. The laundry needs to be done; it just keeps piling up and up and up. It is quite possible the boys and I will not even get dressed today, at all. The kitchen I keep fairly cleaned up, because we're always in it and we need clean dishes. There is still dust everywhere. No matter how much I dust, the next morning there is a new, thin layer of dust. My kitchen floor is in desperate need of a good mopping. The bathrooms need to be cleaned. And yet, I can barely keep up with keeping my kids fed. Stress.
My weight is fluctuating like never before. Up and down and UP and down and UP UP UP. I was down 1/2 a pound today, but at the expense of throwing up last night. This is not good. I don't want to, in fact can't, live like this. Every morning I get on the scale with dread, hoping it's not up more than 2 pounds and knowing that even if it is, I won't be fasting. Stress.
It just feels like too much. Too much stress everywhere and it's affecting me physically. My stomach is constantly in knots. I've been throwing up because my body can't keep food down. My kids are experiencing a stressed, unhappy mommy. Josh has a nutcase for a wife. My house is all a shambles. STRESS.
I am not sure what I need to do to counteract all this stress. I know I need to take baby steps. So today I've decided to do the laundry. Just keep plugging away at it. Get it done. I'm not worried about showering or getting dressed or getting my errands done. Just the laundry. And hopefully getting enough water in, which is especially hard when my stomach is already so unsettled.
Anyway, I am thankful I figured out what the underlying problem is, and I'll be working on de-stressing my life as much as possible.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sick and Tired
Bleh. I'm really tired. And on the verge of getting sick. I was up way past my bedtime last night. Although I did have lots of fun; 3 girls came over to do their taxes, and the 4 of us are pretty hilarious, if I do say so myself. Especially when we're all so tired that it causes us to act intoxicated. ;-)
My weight was up a little today, and you know what? I'm so incredibly tired of wrestling with my weight. I will keep my eye on it, but no more fasting for me. It's draining what little emotional and physical energy I have left. I am so TIRED of fighting with my weight. It will go up and then down, and I think that's normal and I'm just going to be okay with it.
Life is too short to obsess over the scale. I'm so incredibly thankful that I have managed to lose these 35ish pounds. I would love to lose the last 12ish pounds. But for now, I'm perfectly content right where I am. My pants are loose and my other clothes fit well. I can put them on and forget about what I look like the rest of the day. That's what I've always wanted; to just be comfortable in my own skin.
I think there will be a time, a few months from now, where I'll be ready to finish this journey once and for all, and I'll do my last round of HCG. But for now, I'm good. Also, my friend Jen pointed out... Every. Single. Time I've done HCG I have a major, major hormonal/emotional crash afterward. Like, epic. Like, I need to take two Xanax a day just to function. It lasts a week and then I'm good again. And even my hormone drops from Dr. Ray just can't touch it. So if I do decide to do that last round, this is something I will have to be very consciously aware of.
I'm taking it easy today and working on getting in enough water. I'm also working on getting enough protein.
I hope you're all doing well!
My weight was up a little today, and you know what? I'm so incredibly tired of wrestling with my weight. I will keep my eye on it, but no more fasting for me. It's draining what little emotional and physical energy I have left. I am so TIRED of fighting with my weight. It will go up and then down, and I think that's normal and I'm just going to be okay with it.
Life is too short to obsess over the scale. I'm so incredibly thankful that I have managed to lose these 35ish pounds. I would love to lose the last 12ish pounds. But for now, I'm perfectly content right where I am. My pants are loose and my other clothes fit well. I can put them on and forget about what I look like the rest of the day. That's what I've always wanted; to just be comfortable in my own skin.
I think there will be a time, a few months from now, where I'll be ready to finish this journey once and for all, and I'll do my last round of HCG. But for now, I'm good. Also, my friend Jen pointed out... Every. Single. Time I've done HCG I have a major, major hormonal/emotional crash afterward. Like, epic. Like, I need to take two Xanax a day just to function. It lasts a week and then I'm good again. And even my hormone drops from Dr. Ray just can't touch it. So if I do decide to do that last round, this is something I will have to be very consciously aware of.
I'm taking it easy today and working on getting in enough water. I'm also working on getting enough protein.
I hope you're all doing well!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Famous last words
HA. I laugh at myself. After congratulating myself for being in the 130's, even at the end of the day when I'm at my heaviest... something happened. And honestly, I'm not entirely sure what.
Saturday we went to the wedding. I had a very good time with Josh (no kids!!) and Jen and Macy. I also got to see some dear friends, one from Denmark and also Tereza from Canada. =) The wedding was beautiful and it was SO nice to see all our friends. It made me miss them so much; we only lived there for 9 months but there were definite bonds forged between us.
Anyway, I ate very much in moderation all day. For breakfast I had a handful of raw almonds and Starbucks oatmeal, minus the nuts and fruit they give you. I also ordered a white chocolate americano with cream, but I only ended up drinking 1/4 of it because it was too sweet and I got jittery. Later they served chicken alfredo, spinach/pear/almond salad and dessert. I ate until just before full with the alfredo and salad, and then had a few bites of cheesecake and a couple bites of chocolate cake. We stopped on the way home and I ate 2 fried chicken strips. I also had 2 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a few Sour Patch Kids.
I didn't drink enough water, that is for sure. But I still didn't expect to get on the scale on Sunday and see what I saw.
I was up FOUR pounds. 4. I have never ever been up that much. I know a good deal of it was water weight. And those four pounds put me right over 140. I weighed in at 140.4; I about choked when I saw the number. I wasn't expecting it at all. So Sunday I fasted, drinking over 100oz of water. But I think I may have thrown my electrolytes off or something because towards evening I got super sick. I had gone to the store to buy steak, but when I got home I ended up just going to bed at 7pm.
I felt like I had the flu; my body ached and I had a headache and I was woozy. I didn't even end up eating my steak. I also had taken a laxative because I was so constipated that it hurt. Wow. Those things are brutal. I think I'd rather take the discomfort from being backed up over the intestinal cramping that came with the laxative! It woke up me at 3:15 and I had one bowel movement and then I couldn't go back to sleep until after 5:30.
Today I'm tired, so very tired. And even though I did lose almost 3 pounds so that I'm back down to 137.8 today and below 2 pounds gained, I'm still fairly close. Only 0.6 away from being 2 pounds over again. Blah. I still feel under the weather as well. So I'm going to try to drink plenty of water and eat sensibly. I had an egg and 1 turkey sausage and 1/4 piece of toast for breakfast and I'm working on a cup of coffee.
My intestines are still cramping from the laxative, so hopefully that will pass soon. Those things are dangerous! It feels like labor contractions, so sharp and intense and painful. And the end result is not nearly as wonderful as a newborn baby. :-P
In any case, I'll soldier on. No quitting or throwing in the towel just cuz times are tough.
Have a good Monday, and take time to breathe. ;-)
Saturday we went to the wedding. I had a very good time with Josh (no kids!!) and Jen and Macy. I also got to see some dear friends, one from Denmark and also Tereza from Canada. =) The wedding was beautiful and it was SO nice to see all our friends. It made me miss them so much; we only lived there for 9 months but there were definite bonds forged between us.
Anyway, I ate very much in moderation all day. For breakfast I had a handful of raw almonds and Starbucks oatmeal, minus the nuts and fruit they give you. I also ordered a white chocolate americano with cream, but I only ended up drinking 1/4 of it because it was too sweet and I got jittery. Later they served chicken alfredo, spinach/pear/almond salad and dessert. I ate until just before full with the alfredo and salad, and then had a few bites of cheesecake and a couple bites of chocolate cake. We stopped on the way home and I ate 2 fried chicken strips. I also had 2 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a few Sour Patch Kids.
I didn't drink enough water, that is for sure. But I still didn't expect to get on the scale on Sunday and see what I saw.
I was up FOUR pounds. 4. I have never ever been up that much. I know a good deal of it was water weight. And those four pounds put me right over 140. I weighed in at 140.4; I about choked when I saw the number. I wasn't expecting it at all. So Sunday I fasted, drinking over 100oz of water. But I think I may have thrown my electrolytes off or something because towards evening I got super sick. I had gone to the store to buy steak, but when I got home I ended up just going to bed at 7pm.
I felt like I had the flu; my body ached and I had a headache and I was woozy. I didn't even end up eating my steak. I also had taken a laxative because I was so constipated that it hurt. Wow. Those things are brutal. I think I'd rather take the discomfort from being backed up over the intestinal cramping that came with the laxative! It woke up me at 3:15 and I had one bowel movement and then I couldn't go back to sleep until after 5:30.
Today I'm tired, so very tired. And even though I did lose almost 3 pounds so that I'm back down to 137.8 today and below 2 pounds gained, I'm still fairly close. Only 0.6 away from being 2 pounds over again. Blah. I still feel under the weather as well. So I'm going to try to drink plenty of water and eat sensibly. I had an egg and 1 turkey sausage and 1/4 piece of toast for breakfast and I'm working on a cup of coffee.
My intestines are still cramping from the laxative, so hopefully that will pass soon. Those things are dangerous! It feels like labor contractions, so sharp and intense and painful. And the end result is not nearly as wonderful as a newborn baby. :-P
In any case, I'll soldier on. No quitting or throwing in the towel just cuz times are tough.
Have a good Monday, and take time to breathe. ;-)
Friday, February 4, 2011
Perspecitve
It's so easy to get distracted and have blinders on. Only seeing what's right in front of me, without looking around and seeing things from a different perspective.
A friend on Facebook posted this today, and I absolutely love it:
Lately I have felt so bone dead exhausted. Drained. Like a shell of a person. Out of control. Scattered. Crazy. Overwhelmed. Helpless.
I've started to feel like I was spiraling out of control, like my weight was ballooning, like I was going to wake up one day weighing 500 pounds.
But then I stepped back. Just a few months ago I would have given my right arm and first born child to weigh something in the 130's. Even at the end of the day, at my heaviest, I am still in the 130's. Okay, and maybe I wouldn't have really given Kate away ;-) but it almost seemed impossible that such a day would come.
But here I am. In the 130's. Usually at 137. And at one point my end goal was 135, so I'm basically there. But it wasn't good enough. I didn't feel like I'd accomplished anything. But I HAVE.
I have lost 36 pounds. I am a single mother 4 days a week, and my kids and I are still alive. My husband and I are still madly in love, despite the strain of distance on our relationship. My children are all healthy. They love me despite my shortcomings. I have family and friends that I cherish deeply, who enrich my life beyond measure. I am so blessed!!!!!
So yes, maybe I screw up and eat peanut butter M&Ms and scones. Maybe I haven't learned the perfect balance yet. But I am getting there. I just need to look UP. Stop focusing on what is right in front of me, all the imperfections, all the things that aren't "just so".
Start focusing on all the blessings, the rich rewards I have. Even little things, like my boys running around the house with underwear on their heads, tiny fists pumping in the air, screaming, "UNDERWEAR MAN TO THE RESCUE!!". I mean, that's pretty freaking funny if you ask me. ;-) And step back to appreciate the little gestures of love Kate does for me; drawing me approximately 249 pictures a day, filling up my water bottle and bringing it to me. Sure, sometimes she has the attitude of a teenager and it scares me to think what she'll REALLY be like as a teenager.
But that is not for me to worry about. I don't need to worry about tomorrow. I just need to take care of today. Make today count. So that's what I'll do.
Happy Friday to everyone! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
A friend on Facebook posted this today, and I absolutely love it:
Lately I have felt so bone dead exhausted. Drained. Like a shell of a person. Out of control. Scattered. Crazy. Overwhelmed. Helpless.
I've started to feel like I was spiraling out of control, like my weight was ballooning, like I was going to wake up one day weighing 500 pounds.
But then I stepped back. Just a few months ago I would have given my right arm and first born child to weigh something in the 130's. Even at the end of the day, at my heaviest, I am still in the 130's. Okay, and maybe I wouldn't have really given Kate away ;-) but it almost seemed impossible that such a day would come.
But here I am. In the 130's. Usually at 137. And at one point my end goal was 135, so I'm basically there. But it wasn't good enough. I didn't feel like I'd accomplished anything. But I HAVE.
I have lost 36 pounds. I am a single mother 4 days a week, and my kids and I are still alive. My husband and I are still madly in love, despite the strain of distance on our relationship. My children are all healthy. They love me despite my shortcomings. I have family and friends that I cherish deeply, who enrich my life beyond measure. I am so blessed!!!!!
So yes, maybe I screw up and eat peanut butter M&Ms and scones. Maybe I haven't learned the perfect balance yet. But I am getting there. I just need to look UP. Stop focusing on what is right in front of me, all the imperfections, all the things that aren't "just so".
Start focusing on all the blessings, the rich rewards I have. Even little things, like my boys running around the house with underwear on their heads, tiny fists pumping in the air, screaming, "UNDERWEAR MAN TO THE RESCUE!!". I mean, that's pretty freaking funny if you ask me. ;-) And step back to appreciate the little gestures of love Kate does for me; drawing me approximately 249 pictures a day, filling up my water bottle and bringing it to me. Sure, sometimes she has the attitude of a teenager and it scares me to think what she'll REALLY be like as a teenager.
But that is not for me to worry about. I don't need to worry about tomorrow. I just need to take care of today. Make today count. So that's what I'll do.
Happy Friday to everyone! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Lord Have Mercy
Sorry for the late post. Busy morning.
I had a horrible night's sleep last night. First, I couldn't fall asleep; I'm not sure why because I didn't have any caffeine later in the day. I just could not fall asleep. Then I kept freaking myself out that someone was hiding in my bathroom. I had drank a lot of water and every time I went to go to the bathroom I'd have mini-heart attacks, seeing intruders in the shadows.
I finally fell asleep sometime after 11 and at 12:30 Kate woke up crying from growing pains. She is forever asking to sleep in bed with me, and since Josh was gone I figured I may as well indulge her. So I gave her some calcium and put her to bed in my bed. The girl is a maniacal sleeper. She talks in her sleep and thrashes around. At one point her head was by my feet and her legs were shoved into her pillowcase.
I remember doing that as a kid. I was on the top bunk and my blankets were forever sliding down onto the ground. I was too tired to wake up to get them, but too cold to go with no covers, so I'd try to squeeze my body into my pillow case. :-D
Anyway, then at 3:30 in the morning the boys were up and yelling. Guess why? Christian's covers had fallen off and he was cold. Apparently he didn't inherit the genius gene to use his pillow case in emergencies. He also wanted a drink. So I got him settled in and then Owen woke up and was pouting and crying because HE wanted to sleep in my bed, but with Miss Maniac Sleeper already in it there was absolutely no extra room for him.
I finally got him settled down and tucked in and went back to bed. Then at 6:30 the boys were up again. And lately they've been waking up baring their teeth and with their claws out. So I'm getting woken up by a savage pack of wolves, basically, fighting and screaming and yelling and crying. And it was just too much. So I started my day off with a good cry.
It got better after that because my mom and 2 sisters came over. I tried my hand at baked doughnuts. They ended up being a little on the dry side, but they look pretty:
I can't wait for Josh to get home. This week has been really, really rough. The kids are all acting out and I haven't been taking good care of myself. Not a good game plan.
I have done much better today. I've consumed over 64oz of water so far, and will get in 100 by the end of the day. I did eat one donut (they are small) and half a scone. I also had 3 egg whites and 2 granola bars. I'm not sure what I'm making for dinner yet, but just cutting back on the baked goods and not eating M&Ms is a step in the right direction.
Tomorrow I leave for the wedding. I'll try to check in before I go, but I've got so much work to do before I leave that I'm not sure if I'll have time. We'll see how it goes.
My kiddos are crying out for attention again, so off I go.
I had a horrible night's sleep last night. First, I couldn't fall asleep; I'm not sure why because I didn't have any caffeine later in the day. I just could not fall asleep. Then I kept freaking myself out that someone was hiding in my bathroom. I had drank a lot of water and every time I went to go to the bathroom I'd have mini-heart attacks, seeing intruders in the shadows.
I finally fell asleep sometime after 11 and at 12:30 Kate woke up crying from growing pains. She is forever asking to sleep in bed with me, and since Josh was gone I figured I may as well indulge her. So I gave her some calcium and put her to bed in my bed. The girl is a maniacal sleeper. She talks in her sleep and thrashes around. At one point her head was by my feet and her legs were shoved into her pillowcase.
I remember doing that as a kid. I was on the top bunk and my blankets were forever sliding down onto the ground. I was too tired to wake up to get them, but too cold to go with no covers, so I'd try to squeeze my body into my pillow case. :-D
Anyway, then at 3:30 in the morning the boys were up and yelling. Guess why? Christian's covers had fallen off and he was cold. Apparently he didn't inherit the genius gene to use his pillow case in emergencies. He also wanted a drink. So I got him settled in and then Owen woke up and was pouting and crying because HE wanted to sleep in my bed, but with Miss Maniac Sleeper already in it there was absolutely no extra room for him.
I finally got him settled down and tucked in and went back to bed. Then at 6:30 the boys were up again. And lately they've been waking up baring their teeth and with their claws out. So I'm getting woken up by a savage pack of wolves, basically, fighting and screaming and yelling and crying. And it was just too much. So I started my day off with a good cry.
It got better after that because my mom and 2 sisters came over. I tried my hand at baked doughnuts. They ended up being a little on the dry side, but they look pretty:
I can't wait for Josh to get home. This week has been really, really rough. The kids are all acting out and I haven't been taking good care of myself. Not a good game plan.I have done much better today. I've consumed over 64oz of water so far, and will get in 100 by the end of the day. I did eat one donut (they are small) and half a scone. I also had 3 egg whites and 2 granola bars. I'm not sure what I'm making for dinner yet, but just cutting back on the baked goods and not eating M&Ms is a step in the right direction.
Tomorrow I leave for the wedding. I'll try to check in before I go, but I've got so much work to do before I leave that I'm not sure if I'll have time. We'll see how it goes.
My kiddos are crying out for attention again, so off I go.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Coffee and Scones
Dear me. I am such a homebody. I love baking. I love eating. I love having a warm and cozy home.
Yesterday my sister and I tried a new scone recipe. We made cranberry orange and cinnamon sugar. SO delicious.
We each ate one last night. Okay, maybe one and a half. FINE! Two. I ate two. I was up 1.2 pounds today. ;-) And I just really can't be bothered to care. I also ate peanut butter M&Ms yesterday. But I stopped myself from eating them all and drank a lot of water. That counts for something, right?
But then, I set up this little arrangement and it was waiting for me this morning:
And it made me SO happy! Fresh coffee and scones for breakfast!? With my sister? Yes, please!!
I really just need to get some low fat recipes I guess. Or learn how to stop at one scone. I enjoy food. A lot.
Anyway, I've definitely been more stressed this week and that has definitely led me to bake more and eat more. Not super great for someone trying to lose weight, especially when everything is so stressful that the solace and immense enjoyment I get from having a scone and cup of coffee is totally worth it. Even if I do gain weight.
Still trying to find my way here. Clearly, lol! :-D
I'm not moving my ticker. It goes up and it goes down and I'm tired of fiddling with it. I moved it to 137.4, which is what my weight usually settles on. I'll leave it there until I start my next round.
I hope you're all doing well! I'm looking forward to this weekend. Josh and I are going out of town to a wedding, and we'll be kid free! I'm also looking forward to wearing my dress; it's a size 8 petite. It's snug across my shoulder blades/ribs but it's flattering cuz it has lots of ruffles on the skirt part. I'll try to take a picture if I remember.
I better be off. I had a sort of disaster with some diatomaceous earth. You can read more about that here.
I'll leave you with this.
I asked Kate why she drew a picture of me crying. (It can't be due to the fact that I've broken down and cried at least once a week since we moved back. That's too obvious.) She told me I wasn't crying. Those are freckles. Ah. Makes total sense. Everyone has freckles on their eyes, right? Right.
Yesterday my sister and I tried a new scone recipe. We made cranberry orange and cinnamon sugar. SO delicious.
We each ate one last night. Okay, maybe one and a half. FINE! Two. I ate two. I was up 1.2 pounds today. ;-) And I just really can't be bothered to care. I also ate peanut butter M&Ms yesterday. But I stopped myself from eating them all and drank a lot of water. That counts for something, right?But then, I set up this little arrangement and it was waiting for me this morning:
And it made me SO happy! Fresh coffee and scones for breakfast!? With my sister? Yes, please!!I really just need to get some low fat recipes I guess. Or learn how to stop at one scone. I enjoy food. A lot.
Anyway, I've definitely been more stressed this week and that has definitely led me to bake more and eat more. Not super great for someone trying to lose weight, especially when everything is so stressful that the solace and immense enjoyment I get from having a scone and cup of coffee is totally worth it. Even if I do gain weight.
Still trying to find my way here. Clearly, lol! :-D
I'm not moving my ticker. It goes up and it goes down and I'm tired of fiddling with it. I moved it to 137.4, which is what my weight usually settles on. I'll leave it there until I start my next round.
I hope you're all doing well! I'm looking forward to this weekend. Josh and I are going out of town to a wedding, and we'll be kid free! I'm also looking forward to wearing my dress; it's a size 8 petite. It's snug across my shoulder blades/ribs but it's flattering cuz it has lots of ruffles on the skirt part. I'll try to take a picture if I remember.
I better be off. I had a sort of disaster with some diatomaceous earth. You can read more about that here.
I'll leave you with this.
I asked Kate why she drew a picture of me crying. (It can't be due to the fact that I've broken down and cried at least once a week since we moved back. That's too obvious.) She told me I wasn't crying. Those are freckles. Ah. Makes total sense. Everyone has freckles on their eyes, right? Right.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What goes in, must come out.
So, I did it. I pooped. :-D I knew I would, and that's why I wasn't worried about the weight gain. I was down to 137.2 this morning, just one pound up from my lowest weight.
I am working on (and failing miserably) at drinking more water today. I just can't seem to get it down, and it tastes funny to me. Weird.
Not much else to report. Oh! Except, Matt--- I totally made my own Karo syrup. It's super duper complicated and difficult. You take sugar and add boiling water. :-D I'm sure the real stuff has other ingredients, cuz it somehow stays liquid instead of turning back into a solid. But it's definitely doable.
I'm tired, but I did get some really good sleep last night for the first time in a long time. I didn't dream. It was all black. And all good. =)
I guess that's it for today. Happy Tuesday!
I am working on (and failing miserably) at drinking more water today. I just can't seem to get it down, and it tastes funny to me. Weird.
Not much else to report. Oh! Except, Matt--- I totally made my own Karo syrup. It's super duper complicated and difficult. You take sugar and add boiling water. :-D I'm sure the real stuff has other ingredients, cuz it somehow stays liquid instead of turning back into a solid. But it's definitely doable.
I'm tired, but I did get some really good sleep last night for the first time in a long time. I didn't dream. It was all black. And all good. =)
I guess that's it for today. Happy Tuesday!
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