I'm here

Hi everyone!
I only have a sec, but wanted you to know I'm here and I'm well. =)

It's a 2 week conference/vacation week at church and I've been super busy with my 4 kiddos (I have my niece all day/night), shuttling back and forth.  So no time to be on the computer.

I'm doing well.  Still struggling with the desire to lose weight, but not wanting to commit to what it takes.  Right now it's so busy I can't even really think about it, beyond making good choices during the day. And I'm trying to do just that. =)

I hope you are well and I'll try to check in again before the end of the week.  I do plan to weigh on Thursday, but don't expect any change.  Hopefully my weight hasn't gone up! :-P

Have a great day, my friends!

This. Is. So. Hard.

UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH

I am struggling so so so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I weighed in at 145.4 today, so up a whole pound. :-(

And then I sort of had a mini freak out session this morning, before the day even started, because I could feel all the pressure, the stress, the elephant sitting on my chest, KNOWING that I need to diet, but not wanting to, and in the midst of it all, feeling really gross and down with how I look.

It's like I'm totally schizophrenic.  Half of me wants to diet and lose this weight for good, and the other half is digging in her heels and stressing to the MAX over having to diet.  I need help, clearly.

It is SO easy for me to gain weight, and SO hard for me to lose it!  It takes so much work and dedication and restriction.  I honestly don't know what to do.  Should I just be content with where I am, thankful for the pounds I've been able to lose, and call it good even though it's clear there are a good 10-15 pounds of extra flab hanging around?

Or should I just MAKE myself do it, despite the stress and anxiety and pressure, but end up (hopefully) thinner??

Ack.  And the thing is, I'm not eating horribly. I'm not pigging out.  I'm not bingeing. I am not downing huge quantities of food.  Granted, it's not clean or even all healthy.  But I *feel* like I'm eating in moderation.

For example, last night we had a dinner celebration for my brother and his fiancee.  I had 1 chicken enchilada (corn tortilla, chicken, onion, cheese, green sauce, sour cream), 1/4c of this turkey salad that had grapes and other stuff in it, 4 chips with 2T guacamole.  And then later I had 4 bites of pie/ice cream and 1/2 cup of this strawberry cream cheese dessert.  And I did eat too much of that; by about 4 bites.  I felt overly full.

And earlier in the day I hadn't eaten a ton... for breakfast I had 1/2 c Kashi Go Lean Crunch with 1/4 c milk (2%) and for lunch I had 2 slices of Dave's Killer Bread (each slice has 9g of protein!!) with real butter and homemade strawberry jam.

I know I'm eating too many carbs, but that's the thing I start to freak about when I try to do the 17 Day Diet; the fact that I absolutely positively can not have even a tiny bit of bread in any form.

Plus, you actually have to grocery shop quite a lot in order to have your fridge stocked with all the fresh veggies and fruits you can have.  And well, I just don't have the time, energy, or even money to be going to the store that many times a week! And if I try to stock up it all ends up going bad. =(

So anyway, this is where I'm at. Totally struggling, trying to find my way, trying to find what works for me.  Trying to figure out if I should fight myself and diet or be happy with where I am, even though it sucks to get dressed and see the extra fat rolls and not have my clothes fit quite right.

If only I could do HCG!!!!! That is a sure-fire, absolutely iron clad, proven diet that works for me.  Unfortunately, I'm in the small percentage of people that it wreaks havoc on my hormones, and I just can not do that to myself or my family. :-/

Today I ate:
1/2 c scrambled eggs with cheese and 1 slice Dave's Killer Bread, 1 cup coffee with cream
24oz iced Americano with flavor and a splash of cream
Half a bun with turkey, lettuce, cheese, mayo and mustard
Handful of tortilla chips with bean salsa (recipe to follow)
1/2 a kids cone from McDonalds
1/2 c Kashi Go Lean with 1/4 c milk and a few tablespoons of raw oatmeal sprinkled in.

So yes, it's too heavy on carbs, but it's not like I'm eating excessively.  Or am I?????  I mean, today was a pretty good day.  Yesterday I had a cinnamon roll and some Good & Plenty.  But again, not mass quantities!

Any help, advice, thoughts are appreciated.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time, and make good choices for that day. It's hard because this week especially has been crazy busy and hectic, Josh is gone and I'm worried because the man has not been sleeping (literally) and drives long distances, I don't go to bed or sleep well when he's not here (last night I wasn't in bed until 2a.m. and my kids were up at 6:30 this morning, and the night before it was almost as bad).  So there's lots going on, lots of factors.

Oh! I just remembered my friend sent me a workout you can do with just your body weight, so I'm going to look at that.  I do think I need to add in some physical activity of some sort.  And keep working on eating healthy for the most part, and if I want a treat then keep it small.

Hope you guys are doing well!! And that you have some advice for me! :-D

Here is the bean salad/salsa recipe.  It is so good, and if you make it the day before you need it, the flavors get much richer and bolder.

32 oz frozen corn
2 green peppers, diced
2 red peppers, diced
1 orange pepper, diced
1 yellow pepper, diced
(Or any combination of bell peppers you want)
2 cans black beans, drained and rinsed
1 can garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed
2 bunches cilantro, finely chopped
1 16oz bottle ZESTY Italian dressing

You just chop everything up and mix it all together and refrigerate until you want to eat it.  It really is so good.  I don't even like black beans or garbanzo beans, but the flavors from the cilantro and dressing mask it well.  SO GOOD!  This also make a fairly big batch, so you could easily cut it in half.

Wedding Bells

Hi Guys!
Guess what? My brother is engaged!

 

We are so happy and excited; they are just perfect for each other. =)  

But you know what that means? There will be a wedding! With pictures.  And I don't want to look/feel fat. :-/

SO I guess I'm gonna have to start getting serious about losing these last 10-15 pounds.  I don't know why I've struggled SO MUCH with them.  I'm just not motivated, even though I desperately want to be at my goal weight.  It's seems like a total oxymoron, huh?

For me it seems like I have to adopt the All or Nothing attitude when it comes to dieting.  If I just "go with the flow" then I end up eating too much of the stuff that isn't good for me, and the weight doesn't come off.  I have to focus entirely and restrict myself completely in order for it to work.  And, that is hard!  

I feel like I lack enough willpower to do it.  But at the same time if I would JUST DO IT then I'd feel so much better.  

I am not sure what the scale will say tomorrow.  I wouldn't be surprised if it's back up to 145.  My cycle this month has been crazy and weird and it's not helping anything.  But I'm hoping that now that I have a goal in mind, something to count down to (well, they haven't set a date yet, but it'll be in the near future) that maybe it'll help??

MB-I've totally noticed your absence and wondered where you went!! I'm glad you came back.  I like hearing from you, even if you don't feel like you're doing it perfectly yourself.

So my plan is to attempt the 17 Day Diet, and stick to it the right way.  I know it's going to be hard and take dedication and I need to JUST DO IT.

I also need to get back on track with my water intake. My kiddos lost my new water bottle =( so I got sort of off track with that.

But here's to new beginnings and to success! 

Hi Guys,
I'm here and I'm well.  I am still working on getting in sufficient water every day; it's so hard for me! I did buy some instant tea to help flavor the water, so hopefully that'll help.

My eating has been...pretty good.  Far from perfect, but not totally overboard, either.  I will weigh on Thursday.

I've been really emotional and had bad cramps and bloating, but that is being resolved as we speak. ;-)

Not much else to report.  Talk to you soon!

Keeping On

So, I guess I need to stop saying I'm following the 17 Day Diet... cuz I'm not.  But I am cutting way, way back on carbs and sugar.  And it's working.

I weighed in this morning at 144.0 and that's what I'll record for this week.

I also was successful getting in all my water!! Over 70 ounces between water, green tea and coffee. 

In the evening Liz and I were majorly wanting to pig out.  And I have crunchy Cheetos in my cupboard.  And ice cream in the freezer.  And other bad-for-me food.  But instead we  made wraps with romaine leaves, turkey and tomatoes.  And then made  a pot of decaf coffee and enjoyed it on the back porch in the evening with the twinkle lights on once the kids were in bed.  Talk about bliss! =)

So things are going well; I am working to cut back on my carbs/sugar even more because yesterday for example, I had 4 bites of lemon cheesecake (totally delicious!!) and a few crackers and cheese.  But overall I'm cutting back on calories and eating less carbs and sugar, so moving in the right direction.

Here's to keeping it up and seeing 130 on the scale soon!

The First Day Was... Ok

I did okay yesterday; not perfect but not terrible.

I felt like I had food poisoning and my stomach was so queasy after I drank my coffee.  I ate 2 eggs and then felt sick for hours afterward.  So in the afternoon I ate one handful of Bugles (sooooo deliciously salty!!) and stopped at that. Major victory. ;-) I also had 1/4 of a quesadilla.

I also had an americano with flavor, and realized later it was totally full of sugar. I never order sugar-free, so it didn't even occur to me. Oops.

Then later I had chicken salad on lettuce leaves and wrapped in smoked turkey breast and it was soo soo soo good. I also ate 3 small pieces of organic milk chocolate.

Was it perfect? No.  But it was a good start, and I am feeling good about continuing on today.  I stepped on the scale and got numbers ranging from 144.4 to 145.6 :-P  So it's still down, just not sure how much.  I'll probably wait and only weigh once a week and then record that.

I got a new water bottle and my number one focus today is going to be drinking enough water. I have been seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY lacking in that area and I know it's not helping anything.  My goal is to drink 70+ ounces today, between green tea and water.

Thanks for your comments and encouragement!

I need YOU!

 

To help hold me accountable.

Here's the deal, folks.  I weighed this morning.  It wasn't pretty.  It was downright disgusting.  Clearly, I can't do this on my own.  I need you guys to help keep me accountable.  I need you to tell me not to cheat, that it's worth it to stick it out, that I CAN DO THIS.

Cuz, guys.  I'm not doing it.  I'm failing, miserably.  I weighed in at 146.2 this morning.  Bleh.  Now,  I know part of the weight gain is water retention because my time of the month is coming.  But not all of it. Not even close.

So.  Today I start (DON'T LAUGH!!!!!) the 17 Day Diet.  Again.  Again.  Again.  AGAIN!  I don't know if I'll follow it 100% strictly because quite honestly I'm not prepared. I don't have the groceries I need.  I don't feel mentally ready.  But something has to change, and it's starting today.

I ate 2 eggs for breakfast, and I boiled a whole bunch more.  I don't have any salad.  But my plan is to eat low/no carb and low fat, and high lean protein and veggies.  So even if I have to eat only egg whites today, I will do this.

Realistically speaking, this is the worst time possible to try to start the diet again.  I have PMS.  PMS + Me = Need for insane amount of chocolate and salty food.  And that's absolutely not allowed on the diet.  I'm also stressed; just busy in general.  Stress + Me = Need for insane amount of chocolate.  Again, not allowed on the diet.

But here goes.  I have to do something.  I don't want to get 3 months down the road and be ballooned back up to 150+ just because I couldn't/wouldn't take control of my eating.  So today it stops.

But I need your help.  I can't do it on my own.  I need to be held accountable.  So my goal is to blog daily.  I will only weigh once a week, but I want/need to blog to keep myself accountable to you guys and to myself.

So here we go.  Lord help us all. =)