Thursday, August 11, 2011

This. Is. So. Hard.


I am struggling so so so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I weighed in at 145.4 today, so up a whole pound. :-(

And then I sort of had a mini freak out session this morning, before the day even started, because I could feel all the pressure, the stress, the elephant sitting on my chest, KNOWING that I need to diet, but not wanting to, and in the midst of it all, feeling really gross and down with how I look.

It's like I'm totally schizophrenic.  Half of me wants to diet and lose this weight for good, and the other half is digging in her heels and stressing to the MAX over having to diet.  I need help, clearly.

It is SO easy for me to gain weight, and SO hard for me to lose it!  It takes so much work and dedication and restriction.  I honestly don't know what to do.  Should I just be content with where I am, thankful for the pounds I've been able to lose, and call it good even though it's clear there are a good 10-15 pounds of extra flab hanging around?

Or should I just MAKE myself do it, despite the stress and anxiety and pressure, but end up (hopefully) thinner??

Ack.  And the thing is, I'm not eating horribly. I'm not pigging out.  I'm not bingeing. I am not downing huge quantities of food.  Granted, it's not clean or even all healthy.  But I *feel* like I'm eating in moderation.

For example, last night we had a dinner celebration for my brother and his fiancee.  I had 1 chicken enchilada (corn tortilla, chicken, onion, cheese, green sauce, sour cream), 1/4c of this turkey salad that had grapes and other stuff in it, 4 chips with 2T guacamole.  And then later I had 4 bites of pie/ice cream and 1/2 cup of this strawberry cream cheese dessert.  And I did eat too much of that; by about 4 bites.  I felt overly full.

And earlier in the day I hadn't eaten a ton... for breakfast I had 1/2 c Kashi Go Lean Crunch with 1/4 c milk (2%) and for lunch I had 2 slices of Dave's Killer Bread (each slice has 9g of protein!!) with real butter and homemade strawberry jam.

I know I'm eating too many carbs, but that's the thing I start to freak about when I try to do the 17 Day Diet; the fact that I absolutely positively can not have even a tiny bit of bread in any form.

Plus, you actually have to grocery shop quite a lot in order to have your fridge stocked with all the fresh veggies and fruits you can have.  And well, I just don't have the time, energy, or even money to be going to the store that many times a week! And if I try to stock up it all ends up going bad. =(

So anyway, this is where I'm at. Totally struggling, trying to find my way, trying to find what works for me.  Trying to figure out if I should fight myself and diet or be happy with where I am, even though it sucks to get dressed and see the extra fat rolls and not have my clothes fit quite right.

If only I could do HCG!!!!! That is a sure-fire, absolutely iron clad, proven diet that works for me.  Unfortunately, I'm in the small percentage of people that it wreaks havoc on my hormones, and I just can not do that to myself or my family. :-/

Today I ate:
1/2 c scrambled eggs with cheese and 1 slice Dave's Killer Bread, 1 cup coffee with cream
24oz iced Americano with flavor and a splash of cream
Half a bun with turkey, lettuce, cheese, mayo and mustard
Handful of tortilla chips with bean salsa (recipe to follow)
1/2 a kids cone from McDonalds
1/2 c Kashi Go Lean with 1/4 c milk and a few tablespoons of raw oatmeal sprinkled in.

So yes, it's too heavy on carbs, but it's not like I'm eating excessively.  Or am I?????  I mean, today was a pretty good day.  Yesterday I had a cinnamon roll and some Good & Plenty.  But again, not mass quantities!

Any help, advice, thoughts are appreciated.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time, and make good choices for that day. It's hard because this week especially has been crazy busy and hectic, Josh is gone and I'm worried because the man has not been sleeping (literally) and drives long distances, I don't go to bed or sleep well when he's not here (last night I wasn't in bed until 2a.m. and my kids were up at 6:30 this morning, and the night before it was almost as bad).  So there's lots going on, lots of factors.

Oh! I just remembered my friend sent me a workout you can do with just your body weight, so I'm going to look at that.  I do think I need to add in some physical activity of some sort.  And keep working on eating healthy for the most part, and if I want a treat then keep it small.

Hope you guys are doing well!! And that you have some advice for me! :-D

Here is the bean salad/salsa recipe.  It is so good, and if you make it the day before you need it, the flavors get much richer and bolder.

32 oz frozen corn
2 green peppers, diced
2 red peppers, diced
1 orange pepper, diced
1 yellow pepper, diced
(Or any combination of bell peppers you want)
2 cans black beans, drained and rinsed
1 can garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed
2 bunches cilantro, finely chopped
1 16oz bottle ZESTY Italian dressing

You just chop everything up and mix it all together and refrigerate until you want to eat it.  It really is so good.  I don't even like black beans or garbanzo beans, but the flavors from the cilantro and dressing mask it well.  SO GOOD!  This also make a fairly big batch, so you could easily cut it in half.


  1. You need to think of it as a lifestyle change not a diet! You can SOOOOO do this! I have faith in you!!! I know what it feels like to worry about hubby! BUT we need to worry about us too. Where would they be if keeled over right now! You so have this girly!!!!!

  2. Really do you live in my head and I don't know it? For the last week I have felt horrible about my weight and what do I do about it, why eat more of course. The worse I feel the more I eat the more I eat the worse I feel so I just eat some more. I can't seem to stop.
    I am also stressed about so many silly things and I am an emotional eater so I end up eating jut about every minute of the day. YUCK!
    My hormones are off the charts because of a horrible thyroid so therefore I think that is 3 strikes against me, I AM OUT!
    I totally need to get a grip on this, do you feel like you are getting deeper into trouble every day?
    Praying tomorrow is better for both of us :)
    BTW I get this is only about weight and so many things are fine but I complain to you because I feel your struggle. xo, MB

  3. You asked for advice =) so ... here's my 2 cents. First of all, I am SO IN THE SAME BOAT, or at least, I was!!! It is THE MOST frustrating thing in the world to want so badly to lose and even know a great plan, and the night b4 you're all gung-ho, yet when the day is so very hard. It's like 2 members are warring aginst each other in my body! (I'm still trying to eat healthy but being pregnant is rather deflating...but

    I'm going to send you some info on what worked for ME, and finally finally FINALLY got me to 125 after I was stuck at 142 for a SUPER long time after having a baby. And then eventually 117 which was a really good weight for me.

    The actual program is at but I'll email you more about it in a few. BEST THING is that you can eat WHATEVER you want - it's called the "Anything Goes Diet" I love love loved it and it worked super well for me. And, you just do the workout 3x per week for about 1 hour. LOVE that. =)

    Oh! I just realized I have a blog post about it, at

    LMK if you're interested in more info once you read that, k? You can text me or email or whatever, and I'll be sure to write you an email in between packing for conference =) lol's the post where I put up my 12 week results...woohoo!!!