I'm the Boss

Today has gone well, so far.

I started off by waking up on my own around 6:30. Laid in bed for a bit, then had to go to the bathroom so I got up. Decided to weigh myself. 145.8. Bleh. Hmmmm, interesting; I just typed 154.8; in my mind I'm not out of the 150's I guess. Anyway, didn't worry too too much about the scale, as I did eat (a moderate portion) of salty chinese food last night, and I did have a pretty bad weekend of snacking.

Showered, and then after I got dressed I slid back under the covers and read for a bit. My boys had been up for a while and Josh had them settled in the living room with a movie and cereal, and Kate wasn't awake yet, so I got some blissfully quiet reading time in. Super nice. =)

Then once the kiddos were up, I got up and we got ready for the day. I filled up my 1.5 liter water bottle, got the kids dressed, teeth brushed, hair done, and we were out the door. I dropped Kate off at the bus stop, then the boys and I headed to Goodwill with yet another load of stuff. I have gotten rid of SO MUCH stuff. It feels amazing. I think we've made 4 or 5 trips to Goodwill, and I anticipate at least 1 or 2 more. So super duper nice.

Anyway, on the way I decided that at every stoplight I'd drink some water. And let me tell you, there were a LOT of stop lights. So by the time we got home at 9:45 I'd already polished off a full water bottle. 1.5 liters of water down the gullet! Yay! I came home, started a pot of coffee and enjoyed a cup while reading a bit more.

Now it's lunchtime and I just refilled my water bottle and will drink it up, for 3 liters of water. I'm shooting for a bit more today, so we'll see if I can get it all in. The really weird thing is that I feel dehydrated????? My lips are chapped and my throat is parched. No idea why, as I've been drinking more water the last 3 days than I have in a very, very, very long time. Strange.

Today while driving I had an epiphany. Not an original one, to be sure, but still an "Aha" moment for me.

I am in charge. I am the boss. I am the one with the power to change. If I want to lose weight, by golly I can do it! It doesn't depend on my circumstances, it doesn't depend on the people around me, it doesn't depend on the season of the year. Me. Moi. Myself. That's who is in control, to an extent, of this journey. I decide what to put, or not put, into my body.

I also realized that, for me, this is not just a physical journey. It's a spiritual one. I know Dawne, Amy and Jen can relate to this. I can't do it on my own; I need help from God. Instead of turning to food to relieve my stress, anxiety, fears, etc... I need to turn to Him. So this will be an interesting new path for me to walk.

Even though the scale showed such a high number, I have peace. I know I won't remain at that number. I know I can change. I know I can drink more water and make healthy eating choices. Despite the fact that we're moving in 4 days and I've packed up all my food/baking stuff and we'll be eating out almost exclusively this week. Despite the emotions I'm feeling; feelings of being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work I've done already and what is left to do. Feelings of deep sadness for the friends I'm leaving behind. Feelings of joy that I'll be near my family and friends. Feelings of cautious hope that maybe, just maybe I've found the answer I've been searching for, for the last 3 years. Food can't help any of that. It doesn't change any of it.

I'm thankful for the empowerment I've gotten, just with that realization. I'm excited for the future. And even though I honestly can't figure out whether to laugh or cry, even though it is so incredibly bittersweet to be moving back, even though I don't know what the future holds, I *do* know that it's not all out of my control. I can treat my body with respect, I can nourish it, exercise it, and take care of it. I can love it. Imagine that!? Love my body? Who would have thought that possible!? When I look in the mirror all I see are the imperfections. The things I wish I could change. But that's a part of my journey as well. Learning to love those imperfections. Learning to not demand perfection of myself. Learning that I am not a failure for not being perfect.

So, the Skinny Turtle is back in the saddle, and is patiently, faithfully, slowly walking this path in front of me. And I can't say how grateful I am for you who follow along and encourage me, who are on similar paths. I'm so glad we have each other.