Life

Hi there, friends!

How is everyone?  Did you have a good weekend?

Be prepared... this post is about to get really personal and may contain too much information... Just sayin'.

Yesterday, I felt a couple little gushes of fluid.  Several times.  I went to the bathroom and it wasn't pee.  I put a pad on, and had a few more little gushes, but just wasn't sure if it was fluid or not.  I have some PH strips here, so I tested it and it didn't change colors at all; amniotic fluid is more alkaline than urine/vaginal secretions.

So, since it didn't change the ph strip, I just figured it was excessive discharge.  I never had a really big gush, but they were enough that I could feel them.  And I didn't get any contractions, well, no more than my normal braxton hicks I've been getting.

BUT the thing that is worrying me is that baby girl has been extremely quiet in there since yesterday.  I'm talking, where I'm pushing on my stomach and eating sugar just to see if I can get one tiny kick out of her to know she's still alive.  Which is completely out of character for her.  She usually is moving and grooving ALL. THE. TIME.  All day long and whenever I wake up at night she's still dancing away.

I have an appointment with my OB today so I'm definitely going to bring it up.  But, here's the deal.

Since the beginning of this pregnancy I've felt almost like it's too good to be true.  I've felt that for some reason or other, I wouldn't end up with a sweet baby girl in my arms in June.  At first, I thought maybe there would be a physical deformity or something genetic that would cause her to not live.  And for some odd reason, I was okay with that. I decided early on that I would give her life for as long as I could.

So I've always had this fear lurking beneath the depths that my baby girl wouldn't make it.  So it makes yesterday that much scarier.  I don't know if it's just because I'm older and know how miraculous it truly is to have a healthy baby, or if there are other factors at play that are causing me to be worried this time around, but in any case I've been battling anxiety pretty much the whole time.

So today I'm holding on to the verse "Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Because, really... He's in charge anyway.  No matter what I feel or worry about, God is the one in complete control.

I'll let you know how the appointment goes.  Part of me is like, "Of course everything is going to be fine. It always is!" And part of me is like, "Well, what if God was preparing my heart earlier in pregnancy for just this situation?"  Josh is gone tonight and tomorrow for work, so that makes it a little harder.

Just to be clear, the baby HAS moved so I know she's still alive in there.  Just not nearly as active as usual.

So any prayers are very much appreciated, and I'll post after my appointment this afternoon.