In fact, this is how I feel. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I'm drained. There's nothing left to give. There's no more resources to tap. There's just nothing there. Period.
In reality, when I'm stressed, I eat. So I'll prob end up looking like this:
I'm struggling. I have so many appointments in the next few weeks, GOOD appointments, appointments to help me be healthy. In the next 15 days I have no less than 7 appointments. Sometimes I have 2 on one day. I scheduled an emergency trip to Dr. Ray. We don't really have the money and Josh doesn't really have the time off, but it must be done. I can feel myself spiraling downward at an alarming rate. And I don't want to go back into that deep, dark pit.
So next week, I'll be heading to AZ for some much needed help. I also scheduled an appointment with a new general practitioner to discuss my headaches, absolute and total lack of energy, inability to sleep, etc... I have ALSO scheduled an appointment with a new therapist who can help me with meds for the PPD/anxiety that I've got going on.
Things are moving in the right direction, but even taking those steps adds a TON of stress. I don't have lots of babysitting options. My mom is willing, bless her heart, but SHE has a weak body too! And already has an immensely full plate, so I don't want to add to her burdens. Josh is insanely busy. We both had a good, long cry this morning about it. It's SO STRESSFUL. We don't get to see each other often, he is maxed out at work, I am maxed out at home.
And to top it off, his truck got broken into while he was volunteering for our church and they stole his laptop (which had ALL his work info as well as our personal budget/finances on it) and his suitcase of clothes. STRESSFUL!
I am really trying to take things one moment at a time, but it's a struggle. I don't want my situations to rule me, I don't want my children to suffer because *I* can't handle things, I don't want my life to fall apart every 3 months when it's time to see Dr. Ray again. I am searching for answers, but haven't found a solution that works long-term yet.
So that's where I'm at today. I feel like a shell of a person, frantically trying to keep my head above water, while providing a good, warm, loving home for my family. But if it can go wrong, it will. And it has.
I'm thankful that I know Dr. Ray's treatments help, and I won't be doing HCG to mess them up again. I am thankful that I have appointments with people who have the knowledge and authority to prescribe the medicine I need to function and be the person I want to be. I am thankful that I have a Savior who loves me, cares for me, and is there to help me in my need. I am thankful I have a super wonderful and loving support group.
So although today it feels like I'm drowning in "LIFE", I will not give up. I'll just keep taking it moment by moment. Doing what I can, to the best of my ability. That's all I can do. And the eating? Well, I'll have to tackle that once some of these other things come into order. Because I can't successfully juggle all these balls, and eating too much is the one that doesn't affect the rest of my family negatively.
I am so ready for this roller coaster to be over. So ready. But I know that God has a purpose and plan for me, and currently, this is what I need. So... deep breaths. Pot of coffee. No high expectations of myself or my children. Plentiful hugs and kisses, and a soft answer. And on we go...
|Credit: 320 Sycamore|