Happy New Year!

Hi Guys!
Sorry I went MIA.  We have been busy with the holidays, then our little family took an impromptu trip to the coast.

I am on Day One of low calorie HCG.  I had a little epiphany over the weekend while we were away.  I was having my binge days before the low cal part of my diet (and I enjoyed every bit of it). ;-)  Anyway. I was thinking about the upcoming days of eating low calorie.  And I wasn't freaking out about it.  You know why?

Because I WANTED to do it.  Not because I felt I HAD to.  There's a big difference.  Honestly, if I were marooned on an island with no mirrors and just my family and friends, I would be fine with how I am right now.  Which is saying something, because I have never, ever, EVER been this large.  Ever.  But the truth is, I want to change FOR ME.

I want to be healthier. I want to start jogging.  I don't want to have a heart attack while climbing stairs, carrying loads of stuff when we are on vacation.  I don't want to think about my clothes/what I look like all day.  I just want to be me, a healthy version of me.

I'm hoping to be down 30 pounds by the time we go to Mexico, which would put me at roughly the half way mark.  That's a little depressing, cuz I just want to be DONE, but you know what? It's a good, solid start.

So that's where I'm at.  Going into the New Year with high hopes of getting myself back.

I hope you had a fabulous holiday season!

Enjoy the Season

Hey Guys!
I officially quite HCG for now, and will start up again after Christmas, with new drops.  And I feel really good about it.

I plan to enjoy these days of Christmas with my family; we don't know how much time we have with Kris, but we know it's not much.  So we will make every day count.

The kiddos are out of school now, so I will be busy keeping them entertained. ;-)  I will post as I get time, and then begin regular posting once I start HCG again.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Distressed

Hmmm wonder what I'm going to blog about today? :-P

You guys, I don't know what to do.  After seeing that two pound gain, I kinda lost it.  I was sad and discouraged.  I didn't binge, at least.  But I did have a handful of peanut butter pretzels, and then later some salami and cheese and cucumbers, and lastly a cheeseburger and fries from McDonalds on our way to a Christmas concert. Bleh.

I didn't weigh today, and now I'm grappling with a decision.  Should I start back up today, and use the drops that I'm not sure are working, or should I just wait til after Christmas and get new drops?

Just to be clear, I can buy new drops whenever I need to.  But I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for failure by trying to do a strict diet during this season of visiting/entertaining and it revolves significantly around food.  I'm kind of leaning towards starting after Christmas.  But am I just giving up and taking the easy way out??

I really am not sure what to do, but I do know this: thinking about sticking with the diet during this time makes me stressed.  So I think that's my answer.  I'll back off, but not allow myself to overeat.  I will be watchful and mindful of what's going in my mouth.

I will start again.  I will conquer this. I have to.  It's a fight I'm not willing to give up. I can't give up.

So I guess that's where I stand... kind of on hold with HCG but definitely NOT on hold with moderation. And not a false sense of moderation, either:

I will truly be aware of whether I'm eating out of physical hunger or soul hunger.

Here's to a successful holiday season!

GRRRRRRR

Ugh. I'm frustrated today.  Why is it so, so, so, SO hard to lose weight, but so incredibly easy to gain???

I did really well all day yesterday, until the evening.  It was my own fault because I didn't eat enough earlier in the day, so once the evening rolled around I was pretty hungry.  I didn't go hog wild (no pun intended), not by a long shot.  I ate some more Mike & Ike's, a few pretzels and 1/4 cup of chex mix minus the peanuts.

All I had before that was 1 whole egg, 1 cup soup and an apple. Oh, and two cups of coffee and three glasses of Talking Rain.

And I was up two pounds today. Two pounds!!

I'm not giving up, but my morale took a nosedive, for sure.

I'm going to work on not letting myself get so hungry by the end of the day, as well as going to bed earlier so I'm not tempted to snack on something.

I am really loving this soup:

It has 110 calories and 1 gram of fat in a cup of prepared mix.  I add in some chicken and it's really good and warm, perfect for cold wintery days.  I don't know why it's called Tortilla soup... there aren't any tortillas in it, LOL! It's beans mostly.

Today, I will try again. :)

Sloooooooow and Steady

Hello All!
Hope you had a good weekend.  We had a fantastic Christmas celebration at church and it was so much fun!

I am losing much, much more slowly than I have in the past.  I think I'm on day 7 or something, and I haven't even lost 5 pounds, and usually I'd be down 6 or 7 pounds.  But, miraculously, I'm not discouraged.  I am doing this, no matter how fast or slow it goes.  My blog IS the Skinny Turtle, after all. ;-)

I have definitely not been as strict as I've been in the past, which is why things are slower, but also why I'm able to stick to it.  I decided today to *gasp* cut out my beloved coffee creamer.  I used up the last of it today, and it's a good thing.  I don't use 1 tablespoon (the recommended serving size); I use 4 or 5, which equals 7 or 8 grams of fat.  From now on I'll use fat free half and half, and Truvia which is a natural 0 calorie sweetener.

Hopefully that'll allow things to pick up speed a little bit.  I also reconciled with myself today, that even if I'm not AT goal by February and our Mexico trip, it's okay.  I will be significantly smaller, I will be able to enjoy myself and that's all that matters.

I am so thankful that my determination has remained with me.  It hasn't been without a fight, for sure.  It's Christmas and there are so many delicious baked goods EVERYWHERE!! At our celebration last night they had these cookie bars that looked so, so, so, SO good.  But I didn't even take a nibble, I didn't even lick the chocolate off my fingers after handing them to my kids.  At home I had made these buttery, milk chocolatey, mint cookies for the young people who were setting up for the party, and I had some left over.  They are so good.  And they are sitting there, all fluffy and chewy and delectable, staring at me.

I have not had one tiny crumb.  Not one!! Go me! ;-)  Last night I did eat some Mike & Ike's.  They are fat free, but still have calories, so definitely not something I need to eat regularly.  In fact, I'm thinking I need to just cut them out entirely, rather than taunt myself, or eat too many.

I'm almost out of my drops, and I'm excited to get a new bottle, because I think that's part of my problem.  The drops I have are fairly old, and may very well have lost their potency.  We will see if my weight loss picks up when I get the new bottle.

Have a good day!

TGIF

First, a funny:

I got a kick out of that. ;-)

Things are still going well.  I was super duper tempted to cheat last night, to snack mindlessly.  I did eat some Mike & Ike's, but I did not give in to my crackers/summer sausage/cheese cravings.  I consider it a victory. I didn't lose as much today as a result, but I am ok with that.

I was telling Jen today, that I don't really care how much I lose each day; as long as the scale is going down, that's all that matters.  I got the itinerary for our anniversary trip to Mexico, and it is SUCH a motivation.  Picturing myself and Josh in the warm sun, without being self-conscious and uncomfortable in my own skin, is an awesome motivator.  And then everything after that, like our trip to Europe, summertime, etc... will be more fun because I'll already be at my healthy weight again.

Tonight my family is going to enjoy a pizza and popcorn party while we watch Monsters, Inc.  I will be having something else.  I haven't been following the HCG diet as strictly as I have in the past; meaning I'm not only eating chicken and broccoli.  I've added things in, like allowing a couple tablespoons of fat free cheese in my eggs, or having a cup of soup that's low fat/low calorie.  It's working quite well for me.

I also got some fat free half and half that I use in my tea.  It's a good treat for me, and I sip it as I read or watch a show in the evening.

Josh and I get to go on a date tomorrow (with Nora) and I am super excited! It's been a while.  It'll be good just to have a chance to chat and catch up.

Speaking of Nora, she is SUCH a sunshine!

Those are really bad iPhone pictures, but seriously.  She is a gem.  I am so incredibly thankful for her! The kiddos love her, especially Kate, which makes my heart sing.  She has a special quality about her, in that she can tell if someone is hurting or struggling, and she will go up and give them a big hug and snuggle right in to them.  It's very therapeutic, especially during this time with my MIL's health being so bad.  It's nearing the end, and I can't even begin to explain the horrible feeling it is, waiting for the inevitable.  She is going to die.  And it's horrendous; just a very, very sad situation.  So to have Nora being a little ray of sunshine and happiness and baby snuggles is just priceless.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend!!!

Truckin'

Things are still going well.  I'm so so so so thankful.  I will NOT sabotage myself again.  I refuse to do it.

I am FREEZING.  All the time.  The other night I had to get up after midnight and take a hot bath, because I was chilled to the bone and could not warm up, despite multiple layers.  I always get cold on HCG, and I'm not sure why.  It doesn't help that the weather is freezing here too.  Like, 23 degrees during the day.  It's BITING cold.  It's not unusual for me to wear 3-4 layers on top.  And socks, always.  Thick, wool socks.

Not much else to report.

MB-Yep, I get to go to Norway in April for an Easter Church Conference.  I'm really excited!!

Soul Hunger

So far I am loving the Woman of Moderation study.  One of it's main premises is that we eat out of soul hunger, instead of physical hunger.  We feel a void, and try to fill it with food, instead of God.

This is definitely true in my life.  I am very good at keeping myself busy, going, going, going, never letting myself really stop and think, or reflect.  I distract myself with food, the internet, Pinterest, reading, whatever.  I don't want to see what's really inside, deep down.  Because that means I have to work.  And work hard.

There is so much garbage that I need to process/wade through/eliminate.  It's an emotional, stressful thing.  But it needs to be done.  I need to move on.  There are lots of issues that I need to deal with, way too much and too intimate to go into here, but suffice to say that those issues are a HUGE reason why I eat.

I am dedicated to working through these things, to learning to go to God instead of food, to be rooted and grounded in Him.

The Women of Moderation study has a meal plan, but I'm not following it, obviously.  I am doing HCG to get the weight off quickly, but I will be following the other advice in the book, doing the Bible study and learning to be quiet and listen to what God wants to speak to me.

For some people losing weight may be just a physical journey, but for me, personally, it's spiritual as well.

I am feeling really good, staying determined and not tempted to cheat.  I am excited for the future, excited to shed these pounds, excited to "find" myself, and excited to grow closer to God.

Day Two

Yesterday went fairly well.  It wasn't a smashing success, simply because at the end of the night I was STARVING.  I'm not sure if my drops are old or if I just didn't eat enough.  Anyway, long story short, I ate two handfuls of peanut butter filled pretzels.

I didn't weigh yesterday, because I quite simply forgot.  And I didn't weigh after my binge days because the kiddos didn't have school and were CRAZY.  I did weigh this morning and will start recording my losses tomorrow.

I have been drinking a lot of raspberry/blackberry black tea with Truvia and a splash of half and half.  I need to go to the store for milk, and then I'll use that instead.  I've also been drinking a lot of Talking Rain. For some reason I have been hardcore craving it.  I'm not pregnant ;-) but it's like I can't get enough of the fizzy water.

I am so ready to drop this weight.  I feel determined, and ready to plow through this.  Even when it's hard.  Why is it so hard???

I ordered and received the book A Woman of Moderation.

I'm going to start reading it today and hope it helps with the root of the problem; the underlying issues of why I overeat in the first place.

Have a good day!

Fat, Frustrated and Finally Ready

Hi guys.

So, I'm here.  I'm alive.  I'm fatter than ever.  Life is stressful, I comfort eat.  It's not a good combo.  It's a really bad combo, actually.

I'm the highest weight I've ever been in my entire life.  I'm heavier than when I was 9 months pregnant with any of my kiddos.  I WEIGH MORE THAN I DID NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.  Let that sink in for a bit.

I've tried to diet. I've tried to cut back. I've tried HCG. Nothing has worked.  At one point, I did HCG and lost 10 pounds in 10 days.  Then I sabotaged myself with ONE BITE OF CHOCOLATE.  I was doing great; it wasn't hard to stick to the diet.  I was rocking it.  Then I ate one bite, LITERALLY, one bite of chocolate and I lost my brains.  I started shoving food in at an alarming rate and never really stopped.

Until now.  Now, I am ready.  Yes, I'll be doing HCG again.  It works for me, when I do it correctly.  It's helped me shed 40 pounds in the past.  I now need to lose 60ish pounds.  It feels daunting.  But I can't stay where I am.  Namely, because I'm extremely unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't even recognize myself.

Sorry if this is too graphic, but when I saw it I was dumbstruck. It describes me perfectly right now.  A thin, healthy person, fighting to get out of the fat prison she's currently enslaved in.

Don't mind the caption... It's the pic I'm interested in.

So, today is Day 1 of HCG low calorie.  I feel ready.  I'm sick of myself.  I don't want to remain the way I am, the size I am, or have the unhealthy habits I've fallen into.  So today is the first day of CHANGE.

How true is that???!!! I mean, wow.  It's so true.  Some people have amazing metabolisms/genes and don't spend one second thinking about food, their weight, etc... But that's not my lot in life.  Granted, once I have lost weight I do maintain it fairly easily.  At least, I have in the past.  But now I'm 35 and things are so different.  It's so much harder to lose weight.  But I'm going to do it.  I will.

I have a 10 year anniversary trip to Mexico coming up in February.  I have a trip to Europe coming up in April.  I have my whole life ahead of me, I have 4 kiddos who need a healthy/active mama, I have so many reasons to stop allowing myself to wallow in self-pity, make excuses, and live every day feeling down about myself.  It has to stop.

I don't want fitness/weight loss to take over my life.  I don't want people to look at me and immediately think how much I weigh, or what size I am, or if I'm eating on plan.  I just want to be healthy.  I know for the time being, weight loss will be a larger part of my life, I'll have to focus on it more, dedicate more of my time/energy/thoughts to it than I usually would.  And that's okay. But I will not let it rule my life.  I will simply do my diet, and make sure to take time to enjoy my life.

Life IS stressful.  My MIL is not doing well, at all.  Nobody wants her to die during the holidays, and have to be reminded of it year after year.  Yet, we also don't want her to live in a world full of confusion and frustration and chaos.  It's not easy.  It's really hard.  But no one ever said life would be easy, and there's never going to be an "easier" time to tackle this area of my life.  My weight.

This is my inspiration.  This is where I was at when I got pregnant with Nora, and this is what I want to get back to.

Not a supermodel, not a fitness model, but just me.  Healthy me.

I plan to attempt to blog regularly, mostly to keep me motivated and accountable.

Cheers to all of us who are getting our healthy selves back!