Fat, Frustrated and Finally Ready

Hi guys.

So, I'm here.  I'm alive.  I'm fatter than ever.  Life is stressful, I comfort eat.  It's not a good combo.  It's a really bad combo, actually.

I'm the highest weight I've ever been in my entire life.  I'm heavier than when I was 9 months pregnant with any of my kiddos.  I WEIGH MORE THAN I DID NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.  Let that sink in for a bit.

I've tried to diet. I've tried to cut back. I've tried HCG. Nothing has worked.  At one point, I did HCG and lost 10 pounds in 10 days.  Then I sabotaged myself with ONE BITE OF CHOCOLATE.  I was doing great; it wasn't hard to stick to the diet.  I was rocking it.  Then I ate one bite, LITERALLY, one bite of chocolate and I lost my brains.  I started shoving food in at an alarming rate and never really stopped.

Until now.  Now, I am ready.  Yes, I'll be doing HCG again.  It works for me, when I do it correctly.  It's helped me shed 40 pounds in the past.  I now need to lose 60ish pounds.  It feels daunting.  But I can't stay where I am.  Namely, because I'm extremely unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't even recognize myself.

Sorry if this is too graphic, but when I saw it I was dumbstruck. It describes me perfectly right now.  A thin, healthy person, fighting to get out of the fat prison she's currently enslaved in.

Don't mind the caption... It's the pic I'm interested in.

So, today is Day 1 of HCG low calorie.  I feel ready.  I'm sick of myself.  I don't want to remain the way I am, the size I am, or have the unhealthy habits I've fallen into.  So today is the first day of CHANGE.

How true is that???!!! I mean, wow.  It's so true.  Some people have amazing metabolisms/genes and don't spend one second thinking about food, their weight, etc... But that's not my lot in life.  Granted, once I have lost weight I do maintain it fairly easily.  At least, I have in the past.  But now I'm 35 and things are so different.  It's so much harder to lose weight.  But I'm going to do it.  I will.

I have a 10 year anniversary trip to Mexico coming up in February.  I have a trip to Europe coming up in April.  I have my whole life ahead of me, I have 4 kiddos who need a healthy/active mama, I have so many reasons to stop allowing myself to wallow in self-pity, make excuses, and live every day feeling down about myself.  It has to stop.

I don't want fitness/weight loss to take over my life.  I don't want people to look at me and immediately think how much I weigh, or what size I am, or if I'm eating on plan.  I just want to be healthy.  I know for the time being, weight loss will be a larger part of my life, I'll have to focus on it more, dedicate more of my time/energy/thoughts to it than I usually would.  And that's okay. But I will not let it rule my life.  I will simply do my diet, and make sure to take time to enjoy my life.

Life IS stressful.  My MIL is not doing well, at all.  Nobody wants her to die during the holidays, and have to be reminded of it year after year.  Yet, we also don't want her to live in a world full of confusion and frustration and chaos.  It's not easy.  It's really hard.  But no one ever said life would be easy, and there's never going to be an "easier" time to tackle this area of my life.  My weight.

This is my inspiration.  This is where I was at when I got pregnant with Nora, and this is what I want to get back to.

Not a supermodel, not a fitness model, but just me.  Healthy me.

I plan to attempt to blog regularly, mostly to keep me motivated and accountable.

Cheers to all of us who are getting our healthy selves back!