For Liss

I just watched Eat, Pray, Love (so disappointing; the book is far and away MUCH better) but I can still hear Ketut saying "Liss" instead of Liz. And my sister's name is Liz. So this is for you, Liss!!

First of all, answers to questions:

1. Are you going to get tested for celiac disease?
Yes, hopefully when I get back home and establish care with a competent doctor.

2. How often do you throw up each week? (just curious if it's as bad as it used to be)
It varies. Some weeks I throw up 3-4 times and other weeks not at all. It depends on stress and what I eat.

3. Did you know Debbie Sanchez is coming to my house tonight to talk about Pre-paid legal?
I know it now! (Since you asked this, like, eons ago).

4. What is your favorite thing to do during the day?
Read blogs or books. But once I get home and am in close proximity to my friends, that will expand to include visits and coffee dates.

5. What is your BIGGEST pet peeve?
Josh not putting on his seatbelt as soon as he gets in the car. He waits until he is actually driving to put it on. GRRRRRRR.

Okay, thanks Mary Beth, Amy, Dawne, and Steve for the comments!!

Ok, so here's the deal. I'm not giving up. The whole PREMISE of this blog is "Slow and Steady". So I'm going to honor that and just keep plugging along, even though it feels like I can't finish ANYTHING I start. Not even a cup of coffee. Seriously, that's how spastic I am. I rarely even finish my coffee, so it doesn't matter that I use 1/4 c of creamer in it. Seriously, I do. Sorry if that made you gag.

I see Dr. Ray this Friday and I am hoping and praying that he is able to give me some more long-term answers and help. I just need something to stick. I do plan to be serious about my weight loss and learning to live a healthy lifestyle in general. I didn't manage to drink much water yesterday. Um, it was only 2 small glasses right before bed. Oops.

I need like a huge white board with all the things I need to do, so I can check them off:

VITAMINS
WATER
PROTEIN
EXERCISE
HORMONE DROPS
SLEEP

Maybe once we're back in our house I can come up with something.

Today I need to keep packing. I had 1 crepe for breakfast and I'm working on a cup of coffee. It's 11:30 and I'll try to have a salad for lunch. Bleh. I really hate making salads. Jen made a very good, valid point; if the salads were easier to make, I'd eat them more. So I need to take some time and prep a bunch of the stuff so I can throw it all together, instead of having to wash and chop everything every time.

Has anyone used Debbie Meyer's Green Bags?
Or something similar? I'm thinking if I get the baby spinach from Costco and these bags help keep it from going slimy and bad that it would help tremendously. Also if I have the other stuff all chopped and prepped.

I really don't want this weight to keep creeping back on. Those were the perfect descriptive words, Dawne. They are just creeping... slowly but surely piling back on. And it must be stopped.

I really hope to figure out a plan that I can stick to, something that works consistently, once we're settled in back at home.

Well, I'm off to pack. Seriously. It's not gonna magically happen, unfortunately. :-P

Hibernating Bear

Thanks to those who took the time to comment on my last post.

It seems there are a few people reading. And I decided that I'm doing this for myself and not to see how many people are following along. This is my journey, so even if no one reads, I will keep at it.

Especially after weighing in this morning. 145.2. GULP. Apparently all my excessive eating and drinking has caught up with me. Granted, it is my TOM and I'm bloated and craving/eating salt. But still. I really hate moving my ticker back, in the wrong direction. My poor turtle. She has learned much patience on this journey.

I don't have lots of time right now, or even much time in the coming weeks. In 11 days we'll be moving back, and in the meantime I leave for AZ this Thursday. So I have LOTS of packing, cleaning, organizing, and other things to do until our move is complete.

But I have decided I have to put more effort into living healthier. This year the holidays have seemed so overwhelming and stressful, and I know a large part of that is due to the fact that holidays = food. People bake and buy goodies and they are in abundance, all around. And that is so STRESSFUL when you're on the weight-loss path, or even just learning moderation.

However, I'm not going to throw in the towel and I'm going to make a conscience effort to lose these 5 pounds I've gained. And then continue to lose the rest of this excess weight. I can see it on my body now. I have a thick layer of fat around my stomach that is exactly where the 5 pounds is sitting. My pants are tight and the muffin top abounds. Basically I'm a bear who is well prepared to hibernate. :-D

Poor Pooh Bear didn't know when to stop; he hasn't learned moderation yet. And see how unhappy he looks!?

I'll try to continue to post; I just saw/figured out the option to write a post and have it publish at a later date, so I can maybe do something like that. ANYWAY, I'll try to at least check in to let you know how I'm doing and to keep myself accountable. I'm not trying to count calories or do anything like that just yet. Life is much too crazy for that right now; I don't have the time or desire to run to my computer umpteen times a day to find out how many calories are in things.

But I'll choose to put healthy food in my mouth, and I really, really, really am going to work hard at drinking water.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Thanks again for all the comments and I promise to answer all the questions soon.

Honest Scrap Award

My dear friend Dawne has bestowed the Honest Scrap award on me! (By the way, Dawne, when I was reading your blog last week my husband happened to walk by and see the pictures at the top of your header. He exclaimed, "WOW! That lady has lost a ton of weight and looks amazing!" I just shook my head in absolute, total agreement. You look amazing and you just plain ARE amazing.

Back to the award...












I am supposed to tell you ten honest things about myself, so here I go:

1) If I could have one wish (at this moment) it would be that I could be 100% healthy. Emotionally, Chemically, Physically. No more hormone/chemical imbalances, no more digestion issues, and no emotional scars.

2) I wonder if anyone (besides the faithful few commenters) even read this blog.

3) I am really self-conscious about my red hair.

4) I am REALLY bad at diets/counting calories. Thus, no weight loss.

5) I am afraid all the years of throwing up has damaged the enamel on my teeth and I'll end up with, like, dentures by the time I'm 40. *shudder*

6) I'd go on a vacation every 3 months if I could.

7) Dutch apple pie with a scoop of vanilla bean ice cream is my all-time favorite dessert.

8) I have really bad night-vision. Because of this I have a PARANOIA of crosswalks at night. I am so, so, so afraid that someone will be crossing in the darkness and I won't see them. Whenever I come to one, I slow WAY down and open my eyes as big as they'll go and look all around. Basically, I turn into an owl-in-slow-motion and creep over the crosswalk.

9) I use my measuring cups/spoons almost every single day.

10) My oldest child just lost her first tooth! I feel so grown up.

Okay, that was fun. =)

But now I want to know... Do you have any questions for me? I'm going to do a Q&A type thing.

If you have questions (especially if you read but have never posted before!) ask away. =)

I want to know who is reading and what you want to know about me.

Hi, my name is Ruth Anne and I'm working on being a Skinny Turtle. Nice to meet you!

Musings

It is so hard for me to stick to something and see it through to the end!

Even the list I wrote, what, a week ago?? I can't remember what I was going to change, besides drinking more water. Except, I haven't drunk more water. Oh, neither have I done any exercise videos. Blah.

I feel too overwhelmed to take on any additional tasks, but at the same time I'm feeling overwhelmed by my complete lack of action in the area of physical fitness. I feel like I *should* be doing a video, drinking water, counting calories, watching what I eat, etc...

However just thinking about all that makes me want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and hibernate for the winter. I think I'd make a very good bear. I can eat and eat and eat and then sleep and sleep and sleep. :-D

For now I'm just floating around, doing (some) of what I need to do. I did step on the scale finally. It's hard for me to weigh in the mornings now because that means I have to take off my clothes and it's too cold for that! I sleep in socks, pants, shirt and a sweatshirt and the thought of taking it off in the freezing cold just to see the scale is not a nice way to start the morning.

A couple of times I've stepped on the scale and it's been up... like the last two weeks. 141.6 isn't horrible (considering how I'm eating and NOT exercising) but it's still moving in the wrong direction.

I guess part of me feels like I'll just see Dr. Ray in Dec and hopefully he can help me enough so that in January I can do another round of HCG. Have I already mentioned this? I'm having deja vu.

Anyway, I feel pretty restless and unsettled. No routine really, no concrete plan. At least, not one that I have energy to carry out at this point.

The good news is I've definitely been having fewer headaches. Thanks Erin for the insight that glasses and contact prescriptions can actually be different. I plan to make another eye appointment once we're settled in at home in December. For now I wear my glasses around the house and my contacts when I go out.

I don't have much else to report, so I'll sign off. If you got through that boring, mundane post give yourself a big pat on the back. ;-)

No more hawking wares

Hi Guys,
Sorry about the Shutterfly posts... I mean, if you're a blogger and want free cards, well then, you're welcome for the info. Otherwise sorry to the other readers.

Back to life, back to reality.... Name that band!

Anyhoo, I have something quite interesting to report. When I wear my glasses... NO HEADACHES. NO BLURRY VISION. Is that weird, or what!? My glasses and contacts are the same prescription.

I wore my glasses for 2 days and had not one single headache, nor did my vision get blurry. Yesterday I wore my contacts and I had a headache most of the day. It didn't affect my vision, but by the end of the day my eyes were burning and stinging and watering. Like I'd been chopping onions in a smoke filled room. Very strange!

I use disposable contact and this pair is new and not expired by any means. But to play it safe I've been wearing my glasses (which Joshie boy loves) ;-). The only problem... I really don't know if heads can lose weight but SOMETHING has happened. My glasses are too big and constantly slide down my nose. Now, I do have a pin head. I admit it. I could probably have fit into child size glasses. But the kiddie frames weren't quite sophisticated enough for me.

I'm thinking about buying a new pair of glasses, but can't remember what size frame I need. Maybe I'll call and find out. I never thought I'd give up contact for glasses, but if that takes away my headaches, I'll do it for sure.

In other news, the doctor's office called and left a message for me yesterday. But they wouldn't say what it was regarding, just to call back. I called them back this morning and the receptionist said I needed to talk to the doc but she was in with a patient. So I'm waiting for her to call back with all kinds of things running through my head. It's not usually a good sign, right? I mean before I've always just received a letter in the mail saying my PAP smear and everything else turned out normal. Hmmmmm.

I'll report back once I know why she's calling. Maybe she's calling to apologize for being so inept. HA. ;-P

**EDITED TO ADD** She was calling back to say everything was normal. Hmmm. Guess maybe they are trying to save trees and not mail out the results. Ah well, all's well that ends well!

Hope you're having a good day!

Shutterfly Give Away

Ahem. Apparently there is more to the Shutterfly Holiday card giveaway than I first thought. Which is fine; you very rarely get something for nothing, right?

In order for me to get the goods I have to follow the protocol, so here I go!

I haven't actually used Shutterfly before, but I was browsing their site and found the perfect holiday card for us to use this year. I've always like the idea of photo Christmas cards, but was hesitant to actually use them because they were so... Christmasy. I mean, do people really want a MERRY CHRISTMAS card hanging around all year? I know I enjoy getting photos of our friends and family, but don't necessarily like the extreme holiday greetings.

Enter the solution!



That's not my family. Obviously. ;-) (WHERE is Jack in those photos???) BUT, I do love the card. Faith, hope and love are timeless. And in light of my MIL's brain tumor, these virtues are something this coming year should be full of. It's also something everyone else can appreciate all year long, too.

Shutterfly has a whole SLEW of photo cards to choose from. Check them out here.

They also have photo mugs here. What better way to start the day than with a cup of joe and the smiling faces of the ones you love!? Genius!! Add a personalized beverage choice (hot cocoa, tea, coffee, etc...) and you've got a thoughtful, individual gift. Score!

And guess what else? I had no idea Shutterfly even did this, but it's really cool. Let's say you're on vacation in the Caribbean. And you take a picture that a) takes your breath away and b) reminds you of your sweet retreat. You don't want to just have it sitting in a folder on your computer desktop, or tucked away in some dusty album somewhere. So what do you do? Contact Shutterfly and they'll PRINT IT ON CANVAS. Say whaa...!? Yep, take a look here at some examples. Awesome, no?

I don't know about you, but I've already got my card designed and in my shopping cart at shutterfly.com, complete with pictures of my real, actual family. ;-)

Go check it out! They are having some great deals/promo codes right now, too. Bonus!!

Shutterfly Promo and My Sister's Blog

So, you may or may not have seen this around blogland, but Shutterfly is doing a promotion for bloggers!! I've never ordered Christmas photo cards before, but now that we're all set with our professional pics, I think I'm ready to give it a go! And Shutterfly is making that easier than ever by offering 50 free prints!

Check out the deets here!!

Also, my sister has started her own blog, and she is pretty fabulous, if I do say so myself! Check it out here, and be prepared to read the whole thing with a goofy grin on your face, and maybe a tear in your eye here and there. Talented. Smart. Witty. Compassionate. Amazing.

Love you, Liz!!!!

Joyous In Hope

Go to the beginning and read from there. It'll make more sense, that way. She has a tale to tell; Jerry Springer ain't got nothing on her. And don't be shy to leave a comment if you enjoy her wonderful writing style!

Back to our regularly programmed schedule tomorrow. :-D

I got no R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. It was a yucky day and I ran out of time and energy.

I saw the "doctor" yesterday. Pshaw! She calls herself a doctor, but get this... She didn't have me fill out ANY paperwork. She has/had NO IDEA of any of my medical history!!! And she didn't get it from anywhere else. Isn't that weird!? How on earth can she give me a comprehensive exam if she has no idea of my past medical history?? She can't.

I explained all of my head symptoms, and actually I had quite a headache while in the office. She seemed to diagnose me immediately as having migraines and didn't budge from there. She also refused to do any blood work, even though I specifically asked, because "it was done in the last 18 months and was normal." How did she know this? I told her. But then realized later that it's been longer than that, and HELLO!? I just got finished telling her I'm having memory problems. ARGH!!!!

So, no blood work whatsoever. No celiac test. No nothing except a routine physical and a prescription for migraine meds. Which, I've taken twice and won't be taking anymore. I was instructed to take one pill at the onset of my headache; I can take up to 4 pills a day. I usually get these headaches 2-3 times a day. But after taking the meds twice, I'm not impressed. They actually made me feel much worse. The side effects are nausea and dizziness. Um, no thanks. I already have that with my headaches. Plus, it makes my head feel like it's going to explode from all the pressure and makes the muscles in my neck and jaw super tight. I just read the package and it says if that happens to stop taking it and call the doctor. And it clearly states the medicine won't lessen the frequency of the headaches, it's just supposed to take care of the symptoms when you get one. I don't want to be taking 3-4 pills a day of this stuff.

SUPER. DUPER. FRUSTRATING.

So, yeah. I feel like it was a waste of time, like I wasn't taken seriously and now I'm even more discouraged. I had to just pick a doctor at random, and it didn't turn out so well for me. I think I'll wait to see Dr. Ray in December and then once I'm moved back in at home I'll find someone who can recommend a good practitioner to me. The only good thing about my visit yesterday is that I weighed 143 on their scale, with all of my clothes on (including a sweatshirt).

But for now, the headaches and vision problems continue. It is so crazy how bad my eyes get. I pointed out yesterday that I couldn't read the sign on the wall across from me, but it didn't seem to register with the doc. Either that, or she thought the migraine meds would help with my eye sight.

To make matters worse, I am completely and utterly exhausted. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant, but I'm not. Although part of the reason I'm so tired is because I keep having weird dreams about me being pregnant, having a baby, and then there is something wrong with the baby. The dreams are very realistic and I have "felt" the baby moving in my stomach more than one night in a row. It's all very strange and I don't know what to make of it. Any dream interpreters out there?

I know that a baby is a sign of new life and there are lots of changes and new beginnings going on around here, but this is a little ridiculous.

So that's the news on me. Yesterday after taking the first pill for my migraine I felt like I'd been run over by 31 semi-trucks. This morning my whole body feels bruised. My joints ache, my muscles feel like I've had Hulk Hogan perform deep tissue massage on them, my head wants to explode like a helium balloon that's been filled too full. Not pretty.

I haven't attempted to do an exercise video. I can barely get out of bed, off the couch, etc... to make food and take Kate to school and pick her up. No way Jillian is getting anything out of me right now. She'll just have to hold her horses.

I did get a passel of boxes today. Ha, I just said passel. :-P So I can begin the tedious process of packing. Yay. Not. But I'll just blast good music and have coffee and tea on hand to help me get through it. Hopefully the headaches will start to taper off. If not, I may have to hire a moving company. Or my siblings.

Things Are Changing

Okay, so I obviously did not make it back on for another post yesterday. But better late than never.

This year is going to be a year of change. It's already started, what with mom's brain tumor and the move back home. But it's also going to be a year of healthy changes for me.

For starters, I have an appointment tomorrow morning to see the doctor about the headaches/vision changes/memory problems I've been having. I'm also going to get tested for Celiac Disease. That could explain the mystery pain I have in my abdomen that comes and goes randomly, and also a lot of other issues.

I haven't had a general physical check-up since I don't know when. I always just had my female exam after having a baby and called it good. But it's been 3 years since my last baby and I haven't been diligent to have a physical, so it's time. I also need to check on the status of my prolapsing bladder. This is something that is actually a HUGE underlying cause of stress.

I'm 32. As my gynecologist said, "People who are in their 30's don't HAVE prolapsed bladders. It's not something we see in people unless they are much older." Except, that I DO have it and it's a heavy burden I carry around. I'm supposed to do about a bajillion kegels a day to help fix it, except that I don't. Why not? Because I forget, I don't have the stamina to do a bajillion so I don't even start, and because, quite honestly, they make me feel weird. The other option to "fix" my bladder is to have the surgery that pins it up in place, only they don't really do it on young women (that I know of) and don't know how it would affect me long term, or if it would even be successful long term.

STRESS!!!!!!!!

I'm getting majorly overwhelmed just typing it out and thinking about it. It's just another thing on my plate that I need to be responsible for, but feel totally incapable of taking on anything else. But something has to change. I have to take charge of my health. Because, quite simply, I can't go on like this.

So tomorrow starts the process. Scratch that, today I'll start the process by doing 25 kegels. You've got to start somewhere, right?

I read a really interesting article yesterday. Here's the link. Basically it's about a professor who ate Twinkies, Hostess and Little Debbie cakes, Doritos, etc... only for two months. HOWEVER, he limited his calories to a healthy amount. For him it was less than 1,800 a day. And guess what? He lost 27 pounds in 8 weeks. Shocking, right! I mean, the guy was eating HFCS, processed, nutrient deficient food and yet he still lost weight. AND his bad cholesterol went down, his good cholesterol went up and BMI became healthy and normal.

It was really eye opening for me, that YES. The amount of calories I consume really does matter. Even if it's "healthy" calories.

You see, for a while I've been totally okay with where I'm at right now. I lost 33 pounds (or so, depending on the day), dropped 3 or 4 dress sizes and am smaller than I've been in the last 6 years. It's been nice. But. There's always a "but", isn't there? :-P We got our family pictures back. Whoa, Nelly.

Basically my rear and thighs took up a much larger portion of the pictures than I'd like. And I realized that although I am much smaller than I have previously been in recent years, I'm still not done with this weight loss journey. I still have some weight and inches to lose. And I'd like to do it this year, so that by my 33rd birthday I'll be at goal.

I figure I have around 15 pounds to go, possibly 20 if I want to be really aggressive about it. You see, I'm only 5'4" with a small frame. So, honestly, 140 isn't such a great, healthy weight to be at. According to "the experts" I should weigh anywhere between 114 and 127. Clearly, 140 is significantly higher than that. If I lost 15 pounds I'd be at 125 which is still the "higher" end of the range, but is something that is attainable. I don't think I'll ever be 114 and I don't feel like I need to weigh that little. I've changed my ticker to reflect these changes.

And the thing is, I feel ready again. Not to do HCG necessarily (although I'd do it in a heartbeat if I knew it wouldn't mess up my hormones... and I may do it again, but I'll get to that in a bit.) But I'm ready to take charge and begin working to lose these extra pounds and rolls. And the easiest thing I can do right now is start counting my calories; keeping track of my food a la Sunshine Mama. Since I've never counted calories, it's a bit harder/takes more work for me because I honestly have NO IDEA how many calories things are. So I have to constantly run to the computer to look up the caloric values of different food items.

But even still, it *IS* something I can do from home, starting right now. I'd also like to work out, but that will be something I have to figure out as I go. I really love the spinning class, but with Owen freaking out on me and sobbing, I just can't do it right now. I can't take anymore emotional strain, and seeing his chubby cheeks with tears streaming down them is just too much. Can. Not. Do. It. And I have to be okay with that. I can't force myself or him to change anything right now.

So I think I'll start trying to do my videos again. I have The Shred (Lord help me, I haven't forgotten how HARD that one is!!) and also a Leslie Sansone walking DVD. Once we move home I'm going to figure out if it's feasible to walk my daughter to school. It's a little ways and I just don't know if I'd have time to get everyone up, dressed, fed and out the door for the 20 minute walk it'll probably take to get us there. But we'll see, because that'd be a really easy way to get in some exercise.

Getting back to the HCG... that is by FAR the easiest way I've ever known to lose weight. It works. I've gained a bit here and there, but usually I lose it again and it's never more than 2 pounds. On Monday I weighed in at 141.6, but I'd had pizza AND fries on Sunday, had eaten junk food all weekend and had a full fat, full sugar latte. But to be able to eat all of that and still only be up 0.6 from the week before is pretty amazing. The point, though, is that I don't want the scale to go up.

I'm seeing Dr. Ray the beginning of December and he's going to do the tests on my brain and whatnot. I'm hoping that between him and my appointment tomorrow I'll have some answers that will hopefully allow me to do another round of HCG in January. If not, I'll have to do it the old fashioned way, with diet and exercise. I know it will take longer and be harder (for me, personally), but in the end it's the results that matter. Not the road you take to get there.

This is going to be a test for me. I'm really, really bad at finishing what I start. I fizzle out somewhere along the way and never actually complete anything. I'll be motivated for a while and then life happens and I give up. So this is going to be a lesson in perseverance and endurance for me... Basically, I'm resurrecting the Skinny Turtle and the premise behind it. Slow and steady, keeping on until I reach the goal.

So that's what is swirling around in my brain today, and my plan for going forward. I'm also planning to cut back on wheat, but I will continue to eat it until my test results come back, as I was instructed to do.

In a nutshell here's my plan:

Workout 3x a week.
Track and stay within my calories in order to lose 2lbs a week.
Drink 70 oz of water a day. (THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOO HARD FOR ME!!)
Limit and possibly completely cut out wheat.
Take care of my body by doing kegels and taking my vitamins/supplements.

Lord help me, I feel like I need a nanny for myself to make sure I get all that done! :-D

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEE!

Hi Guys,
First of all... sorry I lied. I totally thought I'd be posting this weekend, but A) I forgot the laptop and B) I actually rarely get a chance to sit and be on the computer when we're down visiting family.

Anyway, I had a great time. My birthday was yesterday; I'm a grown-up now. I'm 32 years old! :-O I do NOT feel that old; I pretty much stopped aging at 24. ;-)

I've always LOVED my birthday. I love that it's in the fall, specifically in November. I've always looked forward to it with great anticipation and I've always had a lovely day. I don't remember a single year that I was disappointed with my birthday.

This year was going to be different, I thought. With Kris' tumor and us living in Seattle I thought it just wasn't going to be the same; wasn't going to be as fun. But I was wrong. My friends and family absolutely made my day wonderful!

On Friday night I hung out and chatted with my friends, on Saturday I had a party with my side of the family and then hung out with Josh's side of the family later in the day. On Sunday, my actual birthday, I got tons of birthday wishes. SO much fun, and SUCH a needed ray of sunshine in my life.

Plus, I made out like a bandit!

I got:
*A new phone. The LG Sentio.
*LOTS of socks!!!!!!!!
*Super Awesome Mixing Bowls!!!! With Lids!!!!
*Chai Tea!!!!
* Dorothea Benton Frank Books!!!!
*Moose Munch!!!!!
*Candles!!!!
*A New Purse!!! (That's not mine, but it's very similar)
*Wine, Almond Joys and EAR PLUGS!!!! (THANKS, Jen!!) :-D It's an inside joke, Yes, we're weird and crazy, and that's what makes us such good friends. :0) (And for the life of me I can't figure out how to post pictures side by side... help??)


*Sea Salt Chocolate!!!!
*And a long drive home in the pouring rain, with a screaming child that ended with the bag of Almond Joys disappearing, Josh and I singing the Wonder Pets theme song quite loudly, and general silliness all around. :-D

All in all it was a wonderful day and I am so thankful to have been blessed with such amazing friends and family. Seriously. Out of the ballpark awesome.

I will do another post later today, or maybe tomorrow, about my weight and things I plan to change in this, my thirty-second year of life. =)

Thank You

You guys, I just want to say a great, big, THANK YOU.

Thank you to each one who takes the time to comment, with sincere, genuine thoughts. They really do mean so much to me. I can't even tell you how much better I feel today. I know part of it was just getting it off my chest, and even though there are still deeper issues that I need to deal with, just getting a bit of it out there has helped so much.

You guys are so kind, and I am thankful for every single one of you. Thank you so much for your care and concern.


I'm packing up and cleaning our house-- getting ready to head back home for the weekend again. I'm actually motivated today, which is super nice. The rest of this week I've pretty much resembled a slug with low blood sugar. :-P Laying around doing pretty much nothing.

But today I shall be an accomplished woman! I will do all the laundry, which is about 6 loads, I'm going to change the bedding so we'll come home to clean linens, the kitchen is already cleaned. I'm going to clean the bathrooms and vacuum. I've got my Christmas music playing (don't hate!) and I'm wearing my new apron from The Ruffled Owl.

I won a 50% off coupon from her newly launched site, and you guys. I got the CUTEST apron!! Seriously, go check her out. If you like to bake and cook and look GREAT while you do it, she is your woman. You can customize your apron from the style to the fabric. I got the "Julia" in the black damask pattern with a cranberry pocket and towel ring. I love it!

I think I might have been born a couple decades too late. ;-) Once Josh gets home and we have a second to spare, I'll have him snap a picture of me in it.

Well, I'd best get off my booty and get back to my work. I just wanted to sincerely thank you for all your kind words and let you know I'm doing much better today.

Have a great one! OH! I'm planning to take my laptop and *hopefully* I'll have internet access so I can post tomorrow. If nothing shows up... well then you know that the internet is being a poopy head. :-D

Happy Thursday, dear friends!

Venting

Today is a day for me to vent, so either bear with me or feel free to skip today's post. ;-)

I am stressed. So very, very stressed. To the point of being physically ill, as I've mentioned. But here's the deal... I'm worried about myself.

Yes, I'm worried about my MIL, but the truth is she has lived a good life. I believe in Heaven, so I know we'll see each other again, whether she has 4 years or 40 years left. It's definitely something I'm working through, because it is a shock, but there is also an underlying peace there.

Having her sudden life threatening illness so close at hand has made me look at my own life. And the truth is, I don't like what I see. I haven't been anywhere near the mother or wife I want to be. I know part of it is out of my control; I'm working on getting the postpartum depression that still haunts me under control. It's a process and it's not finished yet.

The thing is, I'm a hypochondriac. All my life I've been afraid of one thing. Brain Tumors. Every time I had a headache, I'd get worried that I had a tumor. When I was pregnant and had migraines, I worried about what was going on in my brain that I couldn't see. I've wanted to have an MRI just to make sure everything looks okay, but at the same time couldn't bear to think about doing that because what if everything WASN'T okay.

And now my very own MIL has one. A brain tumor, of all things. And it makes my hypochondriac-ness go into overdrive. What if I have one? I know the chances are small to none. Realistically, I know that. But I've been afraid of it all my life and now it's hitting close to home. And I have "symptoms".

I get headaches that affect my vision. At least once a day, sometimes two or three times. I can't see; my eyes get all blurry and can't focus. I can't drive when I have a headache like that, because I can't see the road signs. It's like I took my contacts out, only I didn't. I have sharp, shooting pains in specific areas of my head. I can't remember things; words, directions, etc... It takes me forever to think of the word I'm trying to say. Last night I spent 2 full minutes trying to think up Mary Poppins' name.

It just freaks me out and stresses me out. Because if something is wrong with me and I die... what will my kiddos remember of me? That is what troubles me. I don't want them to have memories of an angry, frustrated mama, someone who yells frequently and gets upset at the drop of a hat. Which is how it is now. Which also makes me think I have a tumor or something, because my personality has definitely changed.

I am not the same person Josh married almost 7 years ago. I have no threshold; I go from peaceful to enraged in a split second, and that is NOT normal. I keep thinking maybe it's just the PPD, the hormones that are out of balance. But it seems like even with taking my drops from Dr. Ray the problem is never resolved. I have an appointment with him in December where he is actually going to run a test on my brain. He can fix serotonin and other chemical imbalances in the brain that cause depression, bi-polar, etc...

You see, the women in my family are very unbalanced. It goes back for generations. Bi-polar, depression, and lots of other unpleasant things. So maybe that's my problem. Chemically imbalanced in the brain. I have no idea, but I am very excited to see if Dr. Ray's treatment will help.

I don't like being the person I am right now. It's absolutely the worst version of myself. I don't want my children to grow up with this kind of mother. So I'm praying Dr. Ray has an answer; something that will permanently fix whatever is broken in my body/brain.

Anyway, I don't know if this is even making sense or if I'm coming across as a hysterical, unreasonable, immature, selfish brat. But it's what I'm dealing with right now. It's the reason I can't keep food down and I can't sleep. It's the reason my stomach is constantly in knots. Just typing all this out has my head swimming and my eyes fuzzy and the pains in my head acting up. I feel the bile rising in my throat. I need help.

Then, on top of it all, my precious baby boy fell yesterday and hit his mouth on the curb. It looks horrible and I'm fairly certain his front teeth will either turn gray or fall out. I called the dentist, but there isn't anything they can do. Just look at my sweetheart. =( He's trying to say "cheeeeese". Heartbreaking, no?


There was blood. Lots and lots of blood. I thought I was going to pass out, because mama don't do blood. It was spurting out of his mouth. For those of you who have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, it was akin to a "flesh wound".

Bleh. I'm working on having a good, positive attitude, but I just had to get all that out. It helps me to just acknowledge the things that are bothering me, and then try to move on in a healthy way. Believe it or not there's even more underlying issues that have me stressed to the max, but I think this post is heavy enough for one day.

I never did make the almond joy. I just can't get up the energy for such an endeavor, and it's probably better not to tempt myself with it. I did make some potato soup, and while not entirely nutritious, it has stayed down every time I've eaten it. So that's a plus.

I'm wrapping this up for now and will be back tomorrow with a more positive post. Hopefully.

Nuts

So my plan was to eat raw almonds, meat and cheese, etc... But in reality I'm making almond joy with the nuts. Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture? :-P

I did eat a sandwich today and so far so good. It's really crazy how the chocolate stays down just fine but the wholesome, healthy food wants to get out of my belly. Dang stress.

Today is a special day; my youngest turns 3 today! He is so sweet and funny. He says things that are just hilarious. Like, when he's really mad about something he'll yell, "MOM! THIS IS A SITUATION!!" And we don't watch Jersey Shore, I swear. We only have basic cable.

He'll also do something and then proudly say, "I did great!" He still hates the daycare at the gym, and I don't know if I have the emotional wherewithal to deal with that before we move. So we'll see how often I get to spinning class. =(

He totally doesn't associate birthdays with gifts yet, so every time someone gives him a present his face lights up and he is just so cute I could eat him up!

Here he is this morning, helping me make the cupcakes for his birthday, and with the special red plate that the birthday person gets to use all day:


And here are a couple pictures of him from our family session. Awww, I do so love this boy!

Chocolate and Coffee, Packing and Purging

Hello All,
Wow, it was weird to be without computer access for a week. I didn't realize how much I am actually on a computer normally!

Thank you again for all the prayers and well wishes for my MIL. She is doing well and is at home now. She will be starting radiation and chemo in the next few weeks. Although they got approximately 95% of the tumor, it did not change her prognosis. From what we understand she has around 5-6 years of life left. And we are so incredibly thankful for the time we have left with her. I personally continue to pray for a miracle, that God will heal her completely, but at the same time I don't know what His will is. In any case, we have her with us now and we will cherish these times.

I have been subsisting on chocolate and coffee. Anytime I try to eat a "real" meal I end up getting sick and throwing up. My stomach is constantly uneasy and upset. Pretty much the only thing that usually stays down is chocolate, and probably because I eat small bits at a time. Now that I'm back home I'm trying to eat almonds, meat and cheese, and other small snacks/meals. I'm hoping that will stay down. The combination of coffee and chocolate with no real food on a body under stress is not pretty.

In other news, we are moving back home. I think I'm still in shock a little. We had planned to be here for 3 years, maybe for the long haul after that. But with Josh's mom being sick, we just felt we needed to be closer. And God worked things out perfectly so that his boss is actually quite excited to have him back in the other office. Things have gone downhill fast without my handsome man there. It's so amazing to see how God plans things and works things. And now we get to move home and be close to our family during this time.

Things change so quickly. One minute you think you're going to be living 4+hours from your friends and family, but everything is right with the world. The next moment you are moving home to your beloved house and close to friends and family but someone very dear to you is dying. It has taught me more than ever to just take one day at a time. Live one day at a time, and live that day to the fullest.

I'm not talking about skydiving and doing your "bucket list" every day. I'm talking about making sure I hug my kids and tell them I love them. Letting Josh know that I appreciate his support and help more than he can fathom, not getting irritated when my kiddos do the crazy things that kids do. Making sure that my life is lived in such a way that I am a blessing to the ones I'm around.

Although we are sad to be leaving our friends here, friends we were just getting to know better, we are excited to move back into our little house. There will be much purging of "stuff". Our house that we've rented is about 500 square feet larger than our house back home, so we get to purge and get rid of lots of things we don't need. I love doing this; it feels so good to get rid of all that junk and clutter.

So that's what I'll be doing. Praying for my MIL. Eating small meals. And chocolate. What can I say, it really is helping me these days, as long as I eat it in moderation. Packing. Purging. Working to make each day count.