Today is a day for me to vent, so either bear with me or feel free to skip today's post. ;-)
I am stressed. So very, very stressed. To the point of being physically ill, as I've mentioned. But here's the deal... I'm worried about myself.
Yes, I'm worried about my MIL, but the truth is she has lived a good life. I believe in Heaven, so I know we'll see each other again, whether she has 4 years or 40 years left. It's definitely something I'm working through, because it is a shock, but there is also an underlying peace there.
Having her sudden life threatening illness so close at hand has made me look at my own life. And the truth is, I don't like what I see. I haven't been anywhere near the mother or wife I want to be. I know part of it is out of my control; I'm working on getting the postpartum depression that still haunts me under control. It's a process and it's not finished yet.
The thing is, I'm a hypochondriac. All my life I've been afraid of one thing. Brain Tumors. Every time I had a headache, I'd get worried that I had a tumor. When I was pregnant and had migraines, I worried about what was going on in my brain that I couldn't see. I've wanted to have an MRI just to make sure everything looks okay, but at the same time couldn't bear to think about doing that because what if everything WASN'T okay.
And now my very own MIL has one. A brain tumor, of all things. And it makes my hypochondriac-ness go into overdrive. What if I have one? I know the chances are small to none. Realistically, I know that. But I've been afraid of it all my life and now it's hitting close to home. And I have "symptoms".
I get headaches that affect my vision. At least once a day, sometimes two or three times. I can't see; my eyes get all blurry and can't focus. I can't drive when I have a headache like that, because I can't see the road signs. It's like I took my contacts out, only I didn't. I have sharp, shooting pains in specific areas of my head. I can't remember things; words, directions, etc... It takes me forever to think of the word I'm trying to say. Last night I spent 2 full minutes trying to think up Mary Poppins' name.
It just freaks me out and stresses me out. Because if something is wrong with me and I die... what will my kiddos remember of me? That is what troubles me. I don't want them to have memories of an angry, frustrated mama, someone who yells frequently and gets upset at the drop of a hat. Which is how it is now. Which also makes me think I have a tumor or something, because my personality has definitely changed.
I am not the same person Josh married almost 7 years ago. I have no threshold; I go from peaceful to enraged in a split second, and that is NOT normal. I keep thinking maybe it's just the PPD, the hormones that are out of balance. But it seems like even with taking my drops from Dr. Ray the problem is never resolved. I have an appointment with him in December where he is actually going to run a test on my brain. He can fix serotonin and other chemical imbalances in the brain that cause depression, bi-polar, etc...
You see, the women in my family are very unbalanced. It goes back for generations. Bi-polar, depression, and lots of other unpleasant things. So maybe that's my problem. Chemically imbalanced in the brain. I have no idea, but I am very excited to see if Dr. Ray's treatment will help.
I don't like being the person I am right now. It's absolutely the worst version of myself. I don't want my children to grow up with this kind of mother. So I'm praying Dr. Ray has an answer; something that will permanently fix whatever is broken in my body/brain.
Anyway, I don't know if this is even making sense or if I'm coming across as a hysterical, unreasonable, immature, selfish brat. But it's what I'm dealing with right now. It's the reason I can't keep food down and I can't sleep. It's the reason my stomach is constantly in knots. Just typing all this out has my head swimming and my eyes fuzzy and the pains in my head acting up. I feel the bile rising in my throat. I need help.
Then, on top of it all, my precious baby boy fell yesterday and hit his mouth on the curb. It looks horrible and I'm fairly certain his front teeth will either turn gray or fall out. I called the dentist, but there isn't anything they can do. Just look at my sweetheart. =( He's trying to say "cheeeeese". Heartbreaking, no?
There was blood. Lots and lots of blood. I thought I was going to pass out, because mama don't do blood. It was spurting out of his mouth. For those of you who have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, it was akin to a "flesh wound".
Bleh. I'm working on having a good, positive attitude, but I just had to get all that out. It helps me to just acknowledge the things that are bothering me, and then try to move on in a healthy way. Believe it or not there's even more underlying issues that have me stressed to the max, but I think this post is heavy enough for one day.
I never did make the almond joy. I just can't get up the energy for such an endeavor, and it's probably better not to tempt myself with it. I did make some potato soup, and while not entirely nutritious, it has stayed down every time I've eaten it. So that's a plus.
I'm wrapping this up for now and will be back tomorrow with a more positive post. Hopefully.