Why Being Tired Makes Me Fat

I've been doing really well for the most part these past few days, regarding eating.  But here's the thing: my sleep has been horrible/non-existent.  I wake up multiple times in the night, I have bad dreams, my  kids wake up early.  I am tired.  Really tired.

And last night, as I sat watching tv in my sleep deprived state... I couldn't stop eating.  I wasn't hungry.  I wasn't bored.  I was tired.  And I kept munching on cookies.  And munching.  Bleh!  Why didn't I just go to bed, you ask?  Well, when Josh is gone I find that I avoid going to bed. I hate going to sleep by myself.  I lay there and start thinking about how hard he works, how little sleep he gets, how far he drives, how he gets so tired that sometimes he has to pull to the side of the freeway and take a 15 minute nap. (!!)  And then I think about him falling asleep at the wheel and dying and then I start hyperventilating and sobbing.  Yeah, that actually happened on Tue night.  So I was avoiding going to bed and repeating the scenario. 

So I've resolved to keep watch today, and not allow that mindless eating to come back into play. I'm still tired, so very tired.  I am going to try to nap today, but really it hasn't worked so well in the past.  I have 4 children that are supposed to nap at the same time and it's sort of a joke.  My oldest doesn't sleep, but she will color quietly.  My middle son doesn't sleep and won't usually be quiet unless he's watching a movie.  My youngest NEEDS to sleep, but between the time change and him getting a littler older, it's a struggle.  And my niece fluctuates between morning and afternoon naps.  Today she is sleeping in the morning, which makes an afternoon nap questionable.  We only have 3 bedrooms, so unless I double up kids in one room (which guarantees no sleeping and lots of jumping around and NOT being quiet and resting) then there isn't a place for them and myself to all have a space to lay quietly.  It's a work in progress. :-P

So I'm left with a bit of a conundrum.  Because I'm tired and could really use the actual sleep. I always have my kids take a "quiet time" every day.  Usually they color/draw or watch a movie.  But sometimes, like today, I need to sleep and I don't know how to swing it.

And when I can't sleep, I tend to turn to coffee.  Which has calories (because of my creamer) and caffeine (which isn't good for my bladder) and also is more psychological than anything, because I never actually feel more awake after drinking it.  ARGH! What's a girl to do!?!?

So that's where I'm at currently.  I'm glad I'm aware of my tendency to snack when I'm tired, so I can nip it in the bud.  Hopefully.  I also get really stressed when I'm not rested, and it's compounded by my children's behavior because THEY are also tired. 

So, to recap:

*Loss of sleep = stress = snacking = Fatty McFatty

I need to sign off because A) my house is an epic disaster area B) my boys are hungry C) my boys are grumpier than old men D) I need to take a Xanax to make it through this day in one piece E) I need to go look through my cupboards and plan healthy food for the day.  Amen.

I'm alive! And well!

Eeek, sorry it's been so long since my last post.  I just sort of got overwhelmed with blogging and the internet in general, so I took a few days off.  I feel better now. =)

My PT appointment went well.  It's pretty personal and sorta embarrassing so I'm not going to go into details here.  But if you have questions, feel free to email me and I'll be happy to answer them.

One part of my therapy that I will share about is that I have to keep track of what I eat and drink for 3 days.  Apparently diet is a BIG factor in all this.  Who knew!?  For example, caffeine = very bad.  It irritates the bladder, causing you to use the restroom more, which conditions your body to thinking it has to go A LOT and RIGHT NOW.  Interesting stuff.

I'm doing well otherwise.  My log has actually been really helpful; it's basically done away with my mindless eating because I have to record everything!  I think I might try to keep it up even after I'm done with my log for PT.  I don't want to get stuck in a rut or put pressure on myself, but it seems to help me be aware of what is actually going down the ol' gullet. ;-)

I haven't weighed in a long while.  Actually, that's not true.  I weighed on Monday and my dearly beloved scale told me I weighed 124!! HA HA!  Clearly it's not working well.  ;-)  And I haven't stepped on since, because I just don't care.  I was talking to my good friend Jen today, and we both came to the same conclusion.

It's not our top priority. Our weight, that is.  There are too many other, more important things in life that need our attention, and our weight is NOT one of them.  It doesn't matter that summer and bathing suit season is coming.  Both of us are the smallest we've been in years; both of us are smaller than we were at our weddings, pre-kids!!  So we're gonna be thankful for the progress we've made, strive to make good choices and NOT stress it.

Good plan, huh!? Yeah, we're smart. :-D

I think with the coming of summer things will naturally fall into place.  Fruits and vegetables will be readily available and fresh.  The sun will be out (hopefully!!!!!) and there will be a natural draw to play and run in the sunshine.  We're getting a big trampoline this weekend for the kids, and I hope to spend some time on it, too. =)

In other news, I definitely am not doing another round of HCG. I don't feel motivated, I don't want to screw up my hormones any more than they already are, and that's that. =)  I am very happy with this decision, and feel it's the right one at this time.  I may be ready for another round later in the fall, but we'll see.

I hope you're all well!

Physical Therapy

Today I have my first PT appointment for my pelvic floor.  I'm excited to see what they'll suggest and what they think the prognosis is.  It's a teeny tiny bit awkward because I actually worked for this company before I had kiddos.  I didn't work in the branch I'm going to today, so I probably won't know anyone.  But I might.  ;-) "Oh hey, what are you here for?" "Um.... my broken female parts?" "Oh."  Yeah.  Could be awkward.

In other news, I failed miserably at my fast on Wednesday.  I was fine until noon but then I turned into a freaky deaky witch, and that's not fair to my family.  So I ate.  My mom came over and we made cookies and I had one.

Lately it seems like I do really, really well in the morning/early afternoon with my eating. And then the late afternoon/dinnertime comes and I just crash and burn, hardcore.  It's weird, and interesting.  This week has been so crazy busy.  It's my time of the month, so I have lower energy already, and the sleep around here has been very... fleeting.  Between nightmares, kids up in the night, and kids up early in the morning, I am very exhausted.

So I'm just trying to take things one at a time, and find the balance with being good to my kiddos, getting my housework done, and still eating a healthy meal.

I think we may get a Wii so that I can do some exercise on that, and also so my kids can get out some of their ENDLESS energy.  I know the Wii doesn't replace the gym necessarily, but it's still a small baby turtle step towards getting more physically fit and active. =)

It's FRIDAY!!! I am so so so glad.  I've missed my husband terribly and I finally get to see him today.  We have a shopping trip to Ikea planned tomorrow that the whole family is excited about.  I'm just looking forward to strolling along, holding his hand, and enjoying his company.

Well, I have to get ready to go, but I hope you all have a really great weekend!

Fasting

Happy Hump Day!

It's Wednesday already, hooray!

Today I am fasting.  No real reason, other than the fact that I feel bloated, gross, and the thought of drinking lots of water and flushing my system sounds really nice. It helps that my sister is doing it with me. :-D

I meant to address something in my last post, but forgot.  If you look at my sidebar and see my weekly weigh-ins, you might be slightly concerned.  See?  Every week it's been going up.  Which is not good.  But, I'm not worried, and here's why:  I weigh the heaviest on Mondays and Saturdays.  Maybe I should pick a different weigh-in day?  I don't know, it doesn't really bother me. And this last week was especially high because it was right before I started my period; I always weigh more due to water retention and bloating, etc...

But I thought I'd mention it in case some of you saw it and were like, "Whoa, that's not good!" ;-)

Thanks for the comments!! It's always fun to read comments from new people. =)

I don't have an iTouch or a fancy phone in general, unfortunately. =( So no easy calorie counting apps for me.

I've also never tried Senna tea; does it have a strong flavor? I have trouble choking down tea because it's just basically hot water and I find it's either too weak or too bitter. =(

The Metamucil is working fabulously for now.  But it is rather spendy.  So we'll see.

I don't have much to report on.  Although I'd like to lose more weight, it's currently not a huge priority or issue for me.  I sort of feel like since the HCG is being discontinued and is hard to find that maybe my time with that is done??? I don't know.  Summer is coming, which means we'll be able to take family walks/bike rides.  We live near a very nice park; it's probably a 10 minute walk.  So I'll be getting more exercise once the weather warms up.

It's a conundrum. :-D

I need to go to one more local store to see if they sell the HCG and if they do, I will do another round.  If they don't, I think I'll take that as my sign.  There is one place online I can get it, but it's more expensive, so we'll see.

I hope you're all doing well; eating healthy and enjoying life! =)

Floating

Happy Monday =)

I am doing well, but feel like I'm just floating along.  I really wanted to lose these extra pounds before starting HCG on April 1st, but I don't have the energy.  Because I've never counted calories before, it's a huge undertaking for me to count them in order to cut down on how many I eat a day in order to lose weight.  I have to run to the computer to check out how many calories are in things.  For example, we buy turkey sausage from Costco, but recycle the cardboard box with the nutrition info.  So I have to look it up online.

And when I make something from scratch, well it just gets even more complicated.

I guess I don't care enough to do it.  Because if I did care enough, I'd make the effort.  But it just is one more thing on my plate, and meh.  I can't be bothered.  Not a very good attitude, I know. :-P

Mediral, the company that produces the HCG has actually stopped making it.  They said it wasn't "homeopathic" and therefore discontinued it.  So it's harder to find it to do my last round.  I'm actually not sure I'm going to be able to.  Part of me is very sad and part of me just doesn't care.

So we'll see what ends up happening. I will only do it if Josh and I are able to go see Dr. Ray in May after I'm done.  Because HCG *is* a hormone, it does affect my hormone balance.  Since I'm currently already out of balance, I'm not too worried about doing another round.  But when I'm done, well then, I'll need to see Dr. Ray for sure.  Plus, it would just be nice to see the sun.  And even better if my handsome hubby is with me! His birthday is in May so we want to take a trip to celebrate that, as well as getting me back to hormonal/chemical balance. :-D

Since seeing the women's specialist last week, and hearing that I must stop my constipation issues, I've been using this:

It really is flavor and grit free. I've mixed it in with my coffee and with water and although there is a very faint aftertaste, it's not hard to get down at all. I don't choke, gag or even wrinkle my nose. ;-)  If you have issues with regularity, I'd recommend it.  I've been taking it 2 or 3 times a day and it is helping.  (I wasn't paid, nor did I receive Metamucil in exchange for this positive review) :-D hee hee


I hope you had a good weekend!  I did, and I'm excited for the week ahead. It's spring break, so Kate is home from school.  I plan to spend some good time with friends, keep on top of my housework and strive to make good, healthy eating choices.

I started out on a good note, choosing a banana and one turkey sausage over my-favorite-dessert-in-the-whole-wide-world apple pie with crumble topping.  And I totally LOVE having pie and coffee for breakfast.  Like, LOVE.  So, yay me!  Hopefully I can keep from eating the whole thing by the end of the day. ;-)

Success

This morning I ate greek yogurt and granola instead of super duper yummy birthday cake for breakfast! YES! Success!!! :-D

We had a really good day yesterday, albeit a stressful one. Kate is in heaven with the gifts she got. The night before her birthday we were riding in the car and she said, "Mom, all I really want for my birthday is a baby." Which just happens to be what we had gotten her! Score! It came with two outfits, a diaper and diaper bag, baby toy, bottle, blanket, etc... And then my sister got her a bassinet/high chair and stroller. She hasn't stopped playing with it since!

Here is Kate and "Juliette" (what she named her baby) at breakfast yesterday:

I have another busy day ahead of me.  My house is sort of trashed from the family party last night, although my sweet mom and sisters did help me clean up all the dishes!  But I need to pick up, vacuum, do laundry (um, the boys have no clean pants. Oops.) and then figure out what I'm doing for the birthday party tomorrow with her friends.  I have no games, the cupcakes aren't made, and I have a few random assorted things for the gift bags. 

My OCD is going a little berserk. ;-P

I'm doing well otherwise and now I'm just finishing my coffee before tackling my house.  A clean house makes me happy, so it's worth the work. Laundry is NOT fun, but everyone appreciates the clean clothes in their drawers. ;-)

Ok, I'm totally rambling now so I'll sign off.  Happy Friday!

Girl Talk

Hello everyone,
Sorry for the lack of posts. I've found that when I stay off the computer I'm a much better mother, get my housework done and am just more productive in general. So I haven't been on the computer the last 2 days. Also, I've just been really busy! :-P

**Warning!! To all male readers, this post contains references to female anatomy/issues. Consider yourself warned.***

Yesterday I went to see the specialist for my bladder. I was there for 3 hours!! I spent 45 minutes with the nurse going over my medical history, waited for the doc for 45 minutes and then she was with me for 1.5 hours.

She was very thorough and I actually liked her a lot, despite having to wait so long. She knows her stuff and I feel comfortable in her care.

I have a Grade 1 cystocele, which is the most mild form of prolapsed bladder. She referred me to physical therapy and also recommends surgery, as it will only get worse with time. It's a simple surgery, and you go home the same day. They put a thin mesh "sling" under the bladder neck to hold it up and then over the next 6 weeks scar tissue forms around it and holds it permanently in place. But here's the catch; you can only have the surgery if you won't be having any more children vaginally. Because if you tried a vaginal birth, when the baby descends into the birth canal it would rip that scar tissue right out and you'd bleed to death.

So I'm waiting on the surgery for now. She did say you can have a safe pregnancy, but would have to deliver via c-section. I'm gonna start with the physical therapy and go from there.

I also have.... um... rectal prolapse. :'-( WAAAHHHH!!! I'm only 32, but I feel so so broken. Anyway, the GOOD news is that it's also only Grade 1 and can be helped simply by drinking more water and taking fiber supplements so as to NEVER let yourself get constipated. Straining is the absolute worst thing for it.

Basically my nether regions were severely traumatized by childbirth and haven't really ever recovered. My pudendal nerve was also damaged, but I don't think it really affects anything; it doesn't cause me any pain.

So the good news is that things aren't so bad. =) I won't have incontinence issues forever, which is what I feared.

The doctor also wanted to do a thyroid test, as I guess the thyroid can affect muscle function. The nurse had to try not one, not two, not three or four, not even five but SIX times to get blood!! SIX pokes! Ouch. It was not fun and she felt so horrible. I have notoriously bad veins. Nurses almost always have trouble, but I've never had to be poked THAT many times before. :-P

Anyway, I'm doing very well overall. I have hope that I can be "fixed" and that is a HUGE relief. I'll be able to run and do exercise, laugh, cough and sneeze without fear of leaking. I'll never take the small things for granted again. :-D

I hope you're all well. I weighed in at 145, with all my clothes on and having eaten on the way, so that was good. I think I'm probably hovering right around 140 but I haven't been on the scale since Monday.

Today is my Kate's birthday; she's six! So I'm off to prepare her special breakfast and get ready for a whirlwind crazy day.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!

Fresh Beginning

Hello Friends!
I'm back from a really lovely weekend. I was able to go to a women's retreat and it was very special and I feel rejuvenated and refreshed. Although not much sleep was had. :-D We girls sure can talk!!! =)

I weighed in at 141.2 today, which is great considering they had SO MUCH good food over the weekend. I didn't overdo it at any point, but I did eat quite a bit overall. I think I got a little carried away because the food was basically a huge spread that I didn't have to prepare. It was quite luxurious. =)

Yesterday for breakfast they served do-it-yourself yogurt parfait and BAM! I was inspired. =) I went right out that afternoon and bought greek yogurt and granola, and I have frozen blueberries in my freezer. I'm looking forward to enjoying it for breakfast on a regular basis. I'm not a huge breakfast eater; I don't feel hungry right away and if I eat a big meal I usually end up feeling sick. So I'm very excited about the yogurt.

I'm contemplating doing another round of HCG in April. My sister is doing it, and possibly another friend of mine. My goal is to lose these 5 pounds I've gained before starting that round. I'm not sure I can do it, but I'm going to try. Even if I don't end up doing the round, it'll still be nice to shed these extra pounds.

I am still working to find a balance to eating healthy and being healthy, but not letting it overtake my whole life. I don't want my children to suffer because I'm "on a diet" or because I'm miserable because I feel gross. So it's a work in progress.

I have to jet as my blessed children slept in until 7:30 today! :-O But now we're having to rush a bit to get Kate to school on time. So I'm off!

Happy Monday! Make it a great day!

The Bird

I wrote the following on Dawne's blog the other day, and when I finished, I thought "Hey! I should use that on my own blog!" So I am. =)

The other day I was doing dishes, staring out my kitchen window. It was a really windy and blustery day. As I watched, I saw a bird flying into the wind. She was frantically flapping her wings as fast and hard as she could. But she wasn't going anywhere; she just stayed right where she was, even though her wings were going so fast they were just a blur.

And then she must have gotten tired, because she stopped flapping and tried to soar. And in an instant the wind blew her backwards and she went tumbling head over heels.

And then it occurred to me.

Just because I'm struggling, trying with all my might and not making forward progress- that is actually beneficial and useful because at least I'm not going backwards!!!!

It was such an "AHA!" moment for me. It didn't look like all the work she was doing was doing that poor bird any good. But the moment she stopped things got much, much worse. So I'm gonna take a page from that bird's book and not give up. Persevere. Endure. Even though it feels like I'm failing and struggling, and flailing.

I won't give up.


Also, Dawne- I didn't actually buy the Tim Tams. I'm sad they are a knock off. =( But if I see them again I'll buy them and try to do a Tim Tam Slam. And I'll report back. =)

Unsettled

Is it just me, or is the world falling apart around my very ears? I learned today that yet another church member has died of cancer. In the past week 3 church members (from different countries) have died. I have a mother-in-law and 2 friends battling cancer. What is going on??

I know God is in control; I personally believe that with all my heart. But it is so unsettling to see death so many times in such a short time frame. I find myself having to battle all these fears and worries; fears that I'll lose my loved ones and fears that I'll die. I know I have to work through these things, I know I have to trust in the Lord and believe that all our days are numbered. Nothing will happen that isn't His perfect plan. And eating a sleeve of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies doesn't change anything!

I didn't eat a sleeve of them, just to be clear. But I did eat 5 of them. And then put them away so I wouldn't continue to plow through them at an alarming rate.

WHY do I turn to food? I don't understand it. It doesn't comfort me. It doesn't heal me. It doesn't alleviate my fears. So why do I do that? It's sheer craziness.

This weekend I'm going to a church women's retreat and I am so looking forward to it. I can't wait to nourish my spirit and I'm looking forward to practicing moderation with all the delicious food and snacks that are always provided. =)

Speaking of snacks, Dawne- Look what I found!
Can you believe it!? I'd never even heard of them until you told me about the Tim Tam Slam, and now here they are, sitting on the shelves of Target! So crazy. =)

I went to my friend's house today; she's the one who has given me foot baths in the past. As in, the kind that draws out all the yucky nastiness. I forgot to take my cell phone with me, but this time it was cleaner than the last few times. She ran it twice. It's supposed to draw out the toxins and grodiness that's in your body, and the more you do it, the deeper it goes. She wants me to come back, and I'm looking forward to doing it. Anything to get me healthier is A+ in my book!

I'm still waiting on my drops from Dr. Ray. I can tell I need to go see him again, but we have to budget it out and then I'll know when I can go. My hormones are WHACKED. I really wanted to do another round of HCG in April, and then head to AZ right after in May but we'll see. Josh's birthday is the first week of May so it'd be fun to go together to AZ, but again with the finances and budget. ;-)

I hope you're having a good day, and I hope you all are healthy and happy!

You make my heart feel happy

Thanks, you guys, so very much! I really appreciated all your comments, and knowing your reading and care. =)

T-how do you see how many people view your site? That's interesting.

I'm doing fairly well. I actually got a shower in today, and got to sleep til 7a.m.! Owen was in our bed at 2:30 cuz he had a bad dream, but then we all went back to sleep. It was so nice, and very needed. Sleep is crucial!

I stepped on the scale today, and although I'd already had a cup of coffee and eaten it said 141.8, so I'm reassured that I haven't turned into 800 pound woman overnight. Granted, it's no 136 (my lowest) but it's better than 143 or higher.

I really need to do something, but don't know what, and with limited energy I'm just thankful to be semi-maintaining.

Also, I've been out of my hormone drops from Dr. Ray for TWO WEEKS. This is not good, people. He ran out of the water stuff and had to wait for them to come in. But I still haven't gotten them. I'm gonna call right now and find out the status.

I had to leave a message.

Otherwise I'm hanging in there and absolutely enjoyed and appreciate every single comment. =) I did move my ticker to reflect my higher weight, as I want to be honest with myself. And remind myself that I'm working towards a goal, and don't want to run in the wrong direction. ;-)

Hope you are well, and thanks again, so very much for all the love!

You're so vain... you probably think this song is about you...

Help.

I don't want to be narcissistic. I really don't. But I'm floundering here.

I hate to even admit it because it seems so incredibly petty and selfish and egotistical. But it is what it is.

I have really lost my motivation for blogging. In a major way. In case you haven't noticed. :-P And the reason is because I hardly get any comments. *hangs head in shame*

I feel so dumb even admitting that. I mean, what am I, four years old??? But it's the truth. It feels like no one is reading if there are no comments, and what's the point of that? I blog for the feedback and the encouragement, just knowing there are others out there going through the same stuff. Or maybe not going through the same stuff, but still willing to listen to my stuff. ;-)

But then, if I'm being honest, I have to admit that I read TONS of blogs and don't comment on the majority of them, even though I honestly enjoy what I read. Which would make me a narcissistic hypocrite. EEEKK!!

I really, really appreciate those of you who do take the time to comment; it makes my day and I feel valued and heard. Which is maybe not right. Something I have to delve into further.

In any case, not much is happening in my diet right now anyway. I'm struggling. I haven't weighed since last Monday, and I'm afraid to. I want to do better, I need to do better, I should do better. I need to figure out a healthy outlet, a healthy routine, something I can stick to.

But so far, I haven't succeeded. It's been too much on top of other things. In the last week a friend of the family and an acquaintance from church have died. One was completely unexpected and the other was a young girl who died of cancer. And that makes me hug my kids tighter and thank the good lord above that my children are healthy! And it also reminds me that my weight is NOT the most important thing.

But then THAT leads me to slack off and then I feel gross and unhealthy. So I'm definitely working on finding a balance.

Anyway, if you managed to read this and not be totally disgusted with my blatant plea for comments ;-), I appreciate it. I think I'm in a slump and I'm working to get out. And I do plan to continue blogging for now. At least to have SOME sort of accountability.

I hope you have a good Monday. The sun is shining here and wow is it nice!!!!!!!

Personal Filters and Fences

I've been thinking lately about personal filters. I read about it somewhere, but can't remember where. And then today as I was driving around doing my errands I was looking at houses (T, you aren't the only one who dreams of living in the country!) ;-) Anyway I saw a house that was nice, but it didn't have a fenced yard. (Just to be clear, we aren't house searching or anything, I just like to dream.)

Anyway, when I was thinking about why it was important to me to have a fenced yard -- because it keeps the kids safe and contained, someone wouldn't be able to snatch them while they were out playing, it keeps the dog from getting run over, etc...-- So I was thinking about the benefits of having a fence. It keeps me and my loved ones safe.

And then I thought about personal filters. The article I read was referring to things that you have to filter for yourself personally. Things that you basically have to deny yourself, fence yourself off from, for your health and happiness.

The last few days I feel like I've been swimming in molasses and quicksand, trying to keep my head above water, but slowly sinking with regard to my eating. I feel out of control; like I can't control my own body. I want to eat chocolate, so I do. And lots of it. Too much. Or I want those Rice and Bean chips so I eat them. A bag in 3 days. Too much.

And it occurred to me that I need to build a fence around myself, and install some personal filters. What that means for me is to not put myself in a situation where I know I'm weak. So, don't buy that bag of peanut butter M&M's because I currently don't have the self-control to stop at just a few. Stop buying Rice and Bean chips and surviving on those and chocolate alone.

I know this isn't a long term solution. I know that I have to work to have a healthy relationship with food. But for now, with so many other things going on, so many other stressful situations to work through and deal with, it's best if I don't have those foods in my house to run to. Because that's not healthy.

So I'm going to build those fences and begin using personal filters. Only buy healthy, wholesome food. And if I do happen to bake banana bread, then give most of it away so I'm not tempted to run to that when I get stressed.

That's my plan for now. I know something has to change. I'm in a horrible cycle currently, of getting stressed, running for food, then feeling horrible because I ate so much junk. I know that dieting and a number on the scale isn't my end goal. I need to work through these emotions and go to God with my needs. But in the meantime I'm going to help myself out by removing those temptations.

Food is not the answer and it never will be. So this is my baby step towards learning to live a healthy, balanced life.