I am so, so, so, so upset right now. I weighed in this morning at 167. Up a freaking pound. I am so on the verge of a mental breakdown. I mean, what is the POINT of eating freaking chicken and vegetables for breakfast, lunch and dinner if my body isn't going to lose weight? WHAT IS THE POINT, I ASK???? And yes, I know it's healthy and blah, blah, blah but dang. I feel like I've been pushing myself, and if slipping up and eating 2 cookies in a week is going to make me gain a pound... maybe the Skinny Turtle is going to be roadkill.
I know this is so negative, and I apologize. It's just that people all around me, in real life and in blogland, are losing weight. Just yesterday ALONE I talked to 2 girls I know who have lost 12 and 17.5 pounds respectively in the last 5 weeks. How? BY CUTTING OUT CARBS. Well, I've done that AND cut out dairy and where has it gotten me? UP a pound.
I am seriously crying right now. Like, real tears, streaming down my face. I don't have the energy for this. I try so hard, I try to make it fit into my day, I make separate meals for myself, I eat chicken over and over and over for nothing???? Not even a tiny loss?
And what is UP with me weighing on a Tuesday and seeing a low number, then weighing on Friday and that number has been obliterated? This has happened to me at least 3 times now. It sucks. It really, really sucks.
I just don't know what to do. I'm really at a loss. I'm exercising and I've cut out 95% of ALL grains--oatmeal, wheat, rice, EVERYING-- and dairy. My body is stupid and it sucks and I really resent it right now.
I haven't been sneaking things here and there. At most I have 2-3 things that may contain dairy or grains a week. A WEEK. I feel like I've been in bootcamp, training and disciplining myself and have nothing to show for it.
I'm very sad. I'm very frustrated. I'm very mad. I feel like a complete, total and utter failure. I mean, I must be a failure if everyone else can cut out carbs and lose such huge amounts of weight, right?
To make it all worse I haven't lost ONE SINGLE POUND this entire month. Not one. And what's worse, I GAINED.
I feel sick. Emotionally drained and almost betrayed. WHY won't my body let these extra pounds go? I don't need them. I'm not starving myself. I'm eating healthy foods. I'm exercising. I don't get it. I've even had to stop reading blogs. I can't bear the fact that everyone around me is losing. It makes me want to scream and cry and shout profanities.
After I weighed I got really pissed off. I went to try to do my Jillian workout and the dang DVD doesn't work. I tried it 3 times and it won't read. So I did what any lunatic would do. I started deep cleaning my kitchen. I pulled out my stove and scrubbed the floor, the walls, the stove. I pulled out my refrigerator and did the same thing. I scrubbed dishes. I swept the floor. And I cried.
Seriously, you guys, I need help. ANY ideas, ANY suggestions will help. I don't need a bunch of comfort; I know there is nothing you guys can do. I know I've done my best. I just don't know what to do now. It's so hard to stay motivated and keep pushing myself to exercise (which I hate) to eat chicken and carrot sticks and celery when my family is having fresh homemade bread, pasta, cream sauces.
I feel on the edge of giving up. Very, very close to giving up. Because I don't have the mental stamina to give myself to losing weight if the weight isn't going to come off. :'(
I am really, truly sorry for such a downer post. Honestly, I am. But I am not going to hide behind a false front. I'm going to tell it like it is. And it ai'nt pretty.
I guess I need to give a fact about myself for the challenge. The challenge in which I was supposed to lose 20 pounds and in fact have only lost 7. Bleh.
Ok, here it is. I never, never, ever wear my hair down. I can't stand it in my face or on my neck. It's always pulled back in a ponytail or bloop, even when I sleep.