I went a little crazy last night. Ok, a lot crazy. It was 100% emotional. My husband has been gone and now is sick, the kids were driving me bananas and I just lost it. I binged.
I ate chocolate, chips, ritz crackers with homemade chicken salad and a bowl of cereal. And then I got very sick. Now, here's where it gets dicey. See, I've had digestion problems forever; I don't know what else to call it. With all of my pregnancies I was very ill and threw up a lot. Because of that, my gag reflex is very sensitive. SO, if I get sick and need to throw up; I can. It's just a hair shy of bulimia, I'd say. Because the thing is, I can also (sometimes) hold it in and NOT throw up.
But I didn't hold it in. I knew I'd done some major damage and I took advantage of my body's weakness and threw up. It was like my body knew I was sabotaging it and was waging a civil war. Part of me was so so ill and needed to get the junk out and the other part was holding on to all that fat and sugar for dear life. It was not my finest moment.
It was a huge wake up call. I have to be responsible for my actions, for what I put in my mouth. Just because my body has a weakness and throws up easily does not give me license to eat whatever I want and then let my body take care of the rest. I'm ashamed and properly humbled. I disappointed myself.
This morning my weight was the same as yesterday. 143.2. I ended up taking the last of my drops last night and was planning to do low cal today. I started off great with an apple. Then I had to take my kiddos for immunizations and what should have been a 20 minute appointment ended up taking over 1.5 hours. We came home stressed and starving. I made peanut butter popcorn for the kids, and I ate 5 bites of it. Then I ate a bit of rotisserie chicken.
The dumb thing is that the peanut butter popcorn totally didn't live up to my expectations. I was expecting this delicious, mouth watering, tantalizing treat and it just wasn't. If I never eat it again I won't be sad. I can live without it.
Anyway, I think I'll take it easy with food the rest of the day. Maybe eat a few apples and call it good. I'm not feeling so hot. I know PMS is playing a big factor right now, but I haven't really ever just full on binged like that, shoving food in my mouth like a maniac. It was frightening. Sure, I've eaten more than I needed to at times, but this was different.
So today is a somber day for me. A wake up call that I will be heeding. It's very humiliating to write this all out, but I'm not going to lie and pretend like everything is roses and sunshine if it's not. I am very glad that I am taking the whole month of August and the first 2 weeks of September off from HCG. I need to regroup.
In other, happier news, my friend left me this happy little arrangement yesterday:
Don't you just love it!? That cup makes me smile really big. I can't wait to enjoy a warm cup of coffee out of it, preferably with creamer and good friends! ;-)Kate once again obliged me as my personal photographer. Here I am in my pre-children jeans.
I feel like the vest makes me very blocky. So I took it off.
Hmmm, not much difference. :-PI hope you all are doing well! Have a wonderfully fun and relaxing weekend. :0)
PS. Ummmm, am I totally overdoing it with the emoticons? I am? Hmmm. Ah well, it is what it is. :-D
Don't throw away all your hard work because you fell off the wagon...hop back on! Keep eating healthy, balanced amounts of food and realize that yes, you are human, and you are in a learning process :-)
ReplyDeleteAh, RA, I know how disappointed you must be. Give yourself a break - you have been in deprivation mode for quite some time and you can't do that forever.
ReplyDeleteOf course you're so emotional when you've given it your all - much more hard core than anyone in blog land with your 500 cals per day and then have a moment like that.
It's healthy that you recognize the possibility of using your body's natural gag reflux as a method of coping. If you were denying it or not recognizing it, you'd be on the edge a bulimic moment.
Seriously, you have had the most amazing, consistent results with these drops/500 cals, so don't be too hard on yourself and enjoy maintaining for a while before you're back at it.