Happy New Year!

Hi Guys!
Sorry I went MIA.  We have been busy with the holidays, then our little family took an impromptu trip to the coast.

I am on Day One of low calorie HCG.  I had a little epiphany over the weekend while we were away.  I was having my binge days before the low cal part of my diet (and I enjoyed every bit of it). ;-)  Anyway. I was thinking about the upcoming days of eating low calorie.  And I wasn't freaking out about it.  You know why?

Because I WANTED to do it.  Not because I felt I HAD to.  There's a big difference.  Honestly, if I were marooned on an island with no mirrors and just my family and friends, I would be fine with how I am right now.  Which is saying something, because I have never, ever, EVER been this large.  Ever.  But the truth is, I want to change FOR ME.

I want to be healthier. I want to start jogging.  I don't want to have a heart attack while climbing stairs, carrying loads of stuff when we are on vacation.  I don't want to think about my clothes/what I look like all day.  I just want to be me, a healthy version of me.

I'm hoping to be down 30 pounds by the time we go to Mexico, which would put me at roughly the half way mark.  That's a little depressing, cuz I just want to be DONE, but you know what? It's a good, solid start.

So that's where I'm at.  Going into the New Year with high hopes of getting myself back.

I hope you had a fabulous holiday season!

Enjoy the Season

Hey Guys!
I officially quite HCG for now, and will start up again after Christmas, with new drops.  And I feel really good about it.

I plan to enjoy these days of Christmas with my family; we don't know how much time we have with Kris, but we know it's not much.  So we will make every day count.

The kiddos are out of school now, so I will be busy keeping them entertained. ;-)  I will post as I get time, and then begin regular posting once I start HCG again.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Distressed

Hmmm wonder what I'm going to blog about today? :-P

You guys, I don't know what to do.  After seeing that two pound gain, I kinda lost it.  I was sad and discouraged.  I didn't binge, at least.  But I did have a handful of peanut butter pretzels, and then later some salami and cheese and cucumbers, and lastly a cheeseburger and fries from McDonalds on our way to a Christmas concert. Bleh.

I didn't weigh today, and now I'm grappling with a decision.  Should I start back up today, and use the drops that I'm not sure are working, or should I just wait til after Christmas and get new drops?

Just to be clear, I can buy new drops whenever I need to.  But I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for failure by trying to do a strict diet during this season of visiting/entertaining and it revolves significantly around food.  I'm kind of leaning towards starting after Christmas.  But am I just giving up and taking the easy way out??

I really am not sure what to do, but I do know this: thinking about sticking with the diet during this time makes me stressed.  So I think that's my answer.  I'll back off, but not allow myself to overeat.  I will be watchful and mindful of what's going in my mouth.

I will start again.  I will conquer this. I have to.  It's a fight I'm not willing to give up. I can't give up.

So I guess that's where I stand... kind of on hold with HCG but definitely NOT on hold with moderation. And not a false sense of moderation, either:

I will truly be aware of whether I'm eating out of physical hunger or soul hunger.

Here's to a successful holiday season!

GRRRRRRR

Ugh. I'm frustrated today.  Why is it so, so, so, SO hard to lose weight, but so incredibly easy to gain???

I did really well all day yesterday, until the evening.  It was my own fault because I didn't eat enough earlier in the day, so once the evening rolled around I was pretty hungry.  I didn't go hog wild (no pun intended), not by a long shot.  I ate some more Mike & Ike's, a few pretzels and 1/4 cup of chex mix minus the peanuts.

All I had before that was 1 whole egg, 1 cup soup and an apple. Oh, and two cups of coffee and three glasses of Talking Rain.

And I was up two pounds today. Two pounds!!

I'm not giving up, but my morale took a nosedive, for sure.

I'm going to work on not letting myself get so hungry by the end of the day, as well as going to bed earlier so I'm not tempted to snack on something.

I am really loving this soup:

It has 110 calories and 1 gram of fat in a cup of prepared mix.  I add in some chicken and it's really good and warm, perfect for cold wintery days.  I don't know why it's called Tortilla soup... there aren't any tortillas in it, LOL! It's beans mostly.

Today, I will try again. :)

Sloooooooow and Steady

Hello All!
Hope you had a good weekend.  We had a fantastic Christmas celebration at church and it was so much fun!

I am losing much, much more slowly than I have in the past.  I think I'm on day 7 or something, and I haven't even lost 5 pounds, and usually I'd be down 6 or 7 pounds.  But, miraculously, I'm not discouraged.  I am doing this, no matter how fast or slow it goes.  My blog IS the Skinny Turtle, after all. ;-)

I have definitely not been as strict as I've been in the past, which is why things are slower, but also why I'm able to stick to it.  I decided today to *gasp* cut out my beloved coffee creamer.  I used up the last of it today, and it's a good thing.  I don't use 1 tablespoon (the recommended serving size); I use 4 or 5, which equals 7 or 8 grams of fat.  From now on I'll use fat free half and half, and Truvia which is a natural 0 calorie sweetener.

Hopefully that'll allow things to pick up speed a little bit.  I also reconciled with myself today, that even if I'm not AT goal by February and our Mexico trip, it's okay.  I will be significantly smaller, I will be able to enjoy myself and that's all that matters.

I am so thankful that my determination has remained with me.  It hasn't been without a fight, for sure.  It's Christmas and there are so many delicious baked goods EVERYWHERE!! At our celebration last night they had these cookie bars that looked so, so, so, SO good.  But I didn't even take a nibble, I didn't even lick the chocolate off my fingers after handing them to my kids.  At home I had made these buttery, milk chocolatey, mint cookies for the young people who were setting up for the party, and I had some left over.  They are so good.  And they are sitting there, all fluffy and chewy and delectable, staring at me.

I have not had one tiny crumb.  Not one!! Go me! ;-)  Last night I did eat some Mike & Ike's.  They are fat free, but still have calories, so definitely not something I need to eat regularly.  In fact, I'm thinking I need to just cut them out entirely, rather than taunt myself, or eat too many.

I'm almost out of my drops, and I'm excited to get a new bottle, because I think that's part of my problem.  The drops I have are fairly old, and may very well have lost their potency.  We will see if my weight loss picks up when I get the new bottle.

Have a good day!

TGIF

First, a funny:

I got a kick out of that. ;-)

Things are still going well.  I was super duper tempted to cheat last night, to snack mindlessly.  I did eat some Mike & Ike's, but I did not give in to my crackers/summer sausage/cheese cravings.  I consider it a victory. I didn't lose as much today as a result, but I am ok with that.

I was telling Jen today, that I don't really care how much I lose each day; as long as the scale is going down, that's all that matters.  I got the itinerary for our anniversary trip to Mexico, and it is SUCH a motivation.  Picturing myself and Josh in the warm sun, without being self-conscious and uncomfortable in my own skin, is an awesome motivator.  And then everything after that, like our trip to Europe, summertime, etc... will be more fun because I'll already be at my healthy weight again.

Tonight my family is going to enjoy a pizza and popcorn party while we watch Monsters, Inc.  I will be having something else.  I haven't been following the HCG diet as strictly as I have in the past; meaning I'm not only eating chicken and broccoli.  I've added things in, like allowing a couple tablespoons of fat free cheese in my eggs, or having a cup of soup that's low fat/low calorie.  It's working quite well for me.

I also got some fat free half and half that I use in my tea.  It's a good treat for me, and I sip it as I read or watch a show in the evening.

Josh and I get to go on a date tomorrow (with Nora) and I am super excited! It's been a while.  It'll be good just to have a chance to chat and catch up.

Speaking of Nora, she is SUCH a sunshine!

Those are really bad iPhone pictures, but seriously.  She is a gem.  I am so incredibly thankful for her! The kiddos love her, especially Kate, which makes my heart sing.  She has a special quality about her, in that she can tell if someone is hurting or struggling, and she will go up and give them a big hug and snuggle right in to them.  It's very therapeutic, especially during this time with my MIL's health being so bad.  It's nearing the end, and I can't even begin to explain the horrible feeling it is, waiting for the inevitable.  She is going to die.  And it's horrendous; just a very, very sad situation.  So to have Nora being a little ray of sunshine and happiness and baby snuggles is just priceless.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend!!!

Truckin'

Things are still going well.  I'm so so so so thankful.  I will NOT sabotage myself again.  I refuse to do it.

I am FREEZING.  All the time.  The other night I had to get up after midnight and take a hot bath, because I was chilled to the bone and could not warm up, despite multiple layers.  I always get cold on HCG, and I'm not sure why.  It doesn't help that the weather is freezing here too.  Like, 23 degrees during the day.  It's BITING cold.  It's not unusual for me to wear 3-4 layers on top.  And socks, always.  Thick, wool socks.

Not much else to report.

MB-Yep, I get to go to Norway in April for an Easter Church Conference.  I'm really excited!!

Soul Hunger

So far I am loving the Woman of Moderation study.  One of it's main premises is that we eat out of soul hunger, instead of physical hunger.  We feel a void, and try to fill it with food, instead of God.

This is definitely true in my life.  I am very good at keeping myself busy, going, going, going, never letting myself really stop and think, or reflect.  I distract myself with food, the internet, Pinterest, reading, whatever.  I don't want to see what's really inside, deep down.  Because that means I have to work.  And work hard.

There is so much garbage that I need to process/wade through/eliminate.  It's an emotional, stressful thing.  But it needs to be done.  I need to move on.  There are lots of issues that I need to deal with, way too much and too intimate to go into here, but suffice to say that those issues are a HUGE reason why I eat.

I am dedicated to working through these things, to learning to go to God instead of food, to be rooted and grounded in Him.

The Women of Moderation study has a meal plan, but I'm not following it, obviously.  I am doing HCG to get the weight off quickly, but I will be following the other advice in the book, doing the Bible study and learning to be quiet and listen to what God wants to speak to me.

For some people losing weight may be just a physical journey, but for me, personally, it's spiritual as well.

I am feeling really good, staying determined and not tempted to cheat.  I am excited for the future, excited to shed these pounds, excited to "find" myself, and excited to grow closer to God.

Day Two

Yesterday went fairly well.  It wasn't a smashing success, simply because at the end of the night I was STARVING.  I'm not sure if my drops are old or if I just didn't eat enough.  Anyway, long story short, I ate two handfuls of peanut butter filled pretzels.

I didn't weigh yesterday, because I quite simply forgot.  And I didn't weigh after my binge days because the kiddos didn't have school and were CRAZY.  I did weigh this morning and will start recording my losses tomorrow.

I have been drinking a lot of raspberry/blackberry black tea with Truvia and a splash of half and half.  I need to go to the store for milk, and then I'll use that instead.  I've also been drinking a lot of Talking Rain. For some reason I have been hardcore craving it.  I'm not pregnant ;-) but it's like I can't get enough of the fizzy water.

I am so ready to drop this weight.  I feel determined, and ready to plow through this.  Even when it's hard.  Why is it so hard???

I ordered and received the book A Woman of Moderation.

I'm going to start reading it today and hope it helps with the root of the problem; the underlying issues of why I overeat in the first place.

Have a good day!

Fat, Frustrated and Finally Ready

Hi guys.

So, I'm here.  I'm alive.  I'm fatter than ever.  Life is stressful, I comfort eat.  It's not a good combo.  It's a really bad combo, actually.

I'm the highest weight I've ever been in my entire life.  I'm heavier than when I was 9 months pregnant with any of my kiddos.  I WEIGH MORE THAN I DID NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.  Let that sink in for a bit.

I've tried to diet. I've tried to cut back. I've tried HCG. Nothing has worked.  At one point, I did HCG and lost 10 pounds in 10 days.  Then I sabotaged myself with ONE BITE OF CHOCOLATE.  I was doing great; it wasn't hard to stick to the diet.  I was rocking it.  Then I ate one bite, LITERALLY, one bite of chocolate and I lost my brains.  I started shoving food in at an alarming rate and never really stopped.

Until now.  Now, I am ready.  Yes, I'll be doing HCG again.  It works for me, when I do it correctly.  It's helped me shed 40 pounds in the past.  I now need to lose 60ish pounds.  It feels daunting.  But I can't stay where I am.  Namely, because I'm extremely unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't even recognize myself.

Sorry if this is too graphic, but when I saw it I was dumbstruck. It describes me perfectly right now.  A thin, healthy person, fighting to get out of the fat prison she's currently enslaved in.

Don't mind the caption... It's the pic I'm interested in.

So, today is Day 1 of HCG low calorie.  I feel ready.  I'm sick of myself.  I don't want to remain the way I am, the size I am, or have the unhealthy habits I've fallen into.  So today is the first day of CHANGE.

How true is that???!!! I mean, wow.  It's so true.  Some people have amazing metabolisms/genes and don't spend one second thinking about food, their weight, etc... But that's not my lot in life.  Granted, once I have lost weight I do maintain it fairly easily.  At least, I have in the past.  But now I'm 35 and things are so different.  It's so much harder to lose weight.  But I'm going to do it.  I will.

I have a 10 year anniversary trip to Mexico coming up in February.  I have a trip to Europe coming up in April.  I have my whole life ahead of me, I have 4 kiddos who need a healthy/active mama, I have so many reasons to stop allowing myself to wallow in self-pity, make excuses, and live every day feeling down about myself.  It has to stop.

I don't want fitness/weight loss to take over my life.  I don't want people to look at me and immediately think how much I weigh, or what size I am, or if I'm eating on plan.  I just want to be healthy.  I know for the time being, weight loss will be a larger part of my life, I'll have to focus on it more, dedicate more of my time/energy/thoughts to it than I usually would.  And that's okay. But I will not let it rule my life.  I will simply do my diet, and make sure to take time to enjoy my life.

Life IS stressful.  My MIL is not doing well, at all.  Nobody wants her to die during the holidays, and have to be reminded of it year after year.  Yet, we also don't want her to live in a world full of confusion and frustration and chaos.  It's not easy.  It's really hard.  But no one ever said life would be easy, and there's never going to be an "easier" time to tackle this area of my life.  My weight.

This is my inspiration.  This is where I was at when I got pregnant with Nora, and this is what I want to get back to.

Not a supermodel, not a fitness model, but just me.  Healthy me.

I plan to attempt to blog regularly, mostly to keep me motivated and accountable.

Cheers to all of us who are getting our healthy selves back!

Be Nice

That is all, for now. :)

Good Bye for now

I'm closing my blog down for a bit.  Not deleting it, so it'll show up as private or whatever.  I may or may not blog privately for myself, but not sure yet.  I hope to be back once things have settled down.

I'll shut it down tomorrow.  Hope you all are healthy and happy!

Happenings

Hi Guys :)

So, here I am.  Still blogging.  Still struggling.  With life.  With my weight.  With basic hygiene.  Wait, what?

Yeah.  This just happened.

I'm in the shower (cue angels singing and God Himself applauding this decision).  I'm washing my hair.  It's crazy tangled.  I don't know why, but I open my eyes.  Soap gets in.  OUCH.  Dang, I forgot how bad that stings!! Anyhoo, moving forward.

I rinse the shampoo out, coat with conditioner and move on to scrubbing my body.  Soap flies in my eye.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I mean, come on! What are the odds??  I blindly shave my legs.  No idea if I got it all, but meh.  Good enough.

I move on to brushing my teeth.  You know what's coming, don't you? Toothpaste.  In my eye.  Don't even ask.  I couldn't make this up if I tried.  And you know what? Toothpaste in the eye hurts real, real bad.  By this time I'm questioning my own hand-eye-brain coordination.  Luckily I make it through the rest of my shower without getting anything ELSE in my eyes.

That's kind of how life feels right now.  One thing after the other, and how did this happen in the first place?!

There's my sweet, sweet mother in law.  You guys.  Seriously.  She is the best.  Ever.  Just ask any of her 16 children, or the myriads of people who have been blessed by her.  She is on steroids and is doing well at the moment, but we know it's just borrowed time.

Please pray.  Pray that if it's her time to go, that God takes her quickly, and peacefully in her sleep.  Pray she doesn't become so incapacitated that she loses her dignity.  Pray for her younger children, who are still at home.  And hug your loved ones.

I can't even put into words the underlying stress/sadness/sense of doom that I/we live with day and night.  We know she is going to Heaven, and we know she will be out of this body that is so broken.  But still.  We love her and we don't want her to go.  It's not easy, that's for sure.

My kiddos.  They are, shall we say, spirited.  Times 10000.  They wake up and immediately declare war on each other.  I'm talking full on wrestling, hitting, kicking, punching, throwing to the ground of persons.  Do I allow this? NO! Have I ever allowed it? No.  I don't know why they think it's okay all of a sudden.  It's not.  It's also extremely tiring/draining/exhausting getting on their case all.day.long to stop wrestling, hitting, kicking, punching and throwing to the ground of persons.  I'm counting the days until school starts. (16 for the older two.  23 for Owen.)  Bless their teachers.

Then there's my health.  I'm headed to Dr. Ray soon.  Josh convinced me to go.  I resisted at first, because I'm dumb like that.  It'll be a short 24 hour trip, but hopefully it will help.  I'm hoping to get my hormones and the brain chemicals balanced like I did the last time I was there... 3 years ago??

My weight is just being a meanie head.  I'm the farthest from thin I've ever been.  I got the results from my adrenal stress test back.  Turns out my cortisol is low.  Low?? Does that mean my body really isn't very stressed, since it puts out cortisol as stress increases?  Nope.  Cortisol doesn't go from normal to low.  It goes from normal to extremely high and then burns out and drops to where my levels are now.  Extremely low.  So I'm getting on some supplements to help my body produce more cortisol.

My immune system is also severely depressed.  (Insert sad immune system here, hardy har har) Normal ranges from 25-60 and mine was less than 5.  Meaning it couldn't be detected at all on the test.  Sigh. So I'm starting supplements for that as well.  

And lastly my diet.  I'm supposed to eat a hypoglycemic diet.  Essentially... Atkins.  I've never done Atkins, but I know it focuses on lots of protein, and very little carbohydrates and sugar.  Just what my body needs to repair itself, apparently.  So I'll be doing some research on Atkins friendly recipes and meals.  It all feels overwhelming right now.  So much going on.

I can't exercise.  I've been forbidden by the Adrenal Stress doctor.  My body can't handle it when it's so burned out already.  But carrying around this much weight is taking it's toll.  I saw a picture of myself and wow.  Talk about spiraling into a pit of depression.  It was real and raw and horrifying.  I have to do something. I am suffocating under all this fat.  My stress is through the roof and I can't afford for it to be.  So I'm really hoping the Atkins helps the weight come off.

I know all you exercise fiends out there would probably disagree with that statement, and say that running, a good work-out, lifting weights, etc... is the best.  But I am in wholehearted agreement with Anthony Trollope.

Well, friends, it's late.  I need to get to bed.  I just wanted to check in and jot down my thoughts/plans.

If you have any good Atkins friendly recipes, send them my way!

Update

Hey there.

How are you? How's your summer?  Mine?  Hectic.  Crazy.  Emotional.

My weight-loss is a no-go.  I can not lose this *#@ weight.  It will not go.  I recently completed an adrenal stress test, which indicates... I'm in adrenal stress.  Womp womp.  My cortisol levels are super high (happens from stress) which inhibits weight loss.  I have absolutely no energy.  Each day I have to decide whether I want to shower, clean the house, do something with the kids or make dinner.  One thing.  I can't manage more, really.

I'm on a treatment plan, but it's very long term.  Stressful.

The other thing is that my mother-in-law's tumor came back.  With a vengeance.  It's diffused throughout her brain.  Surgery, chemo and radiation aren't options.  She can't travel to any of the specialists.  The doctors say she has months left.  Months.  I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to have someone you love given such a short timespan.

So yeah, life has been extremely stressful.  I'm looking forward to school and routines and schedules.  I feel like once the kids are back in school I'll have a chance to catch my breath and figure out what to do about my weight.  I absolutely can not stay this fat.  It's not an option.  HCG isn't either, because part of the treatment plan for the adrenal stress is taking cod liver oil and other supplements that are not conducive to HCG.

So that's where I'm at.  Prayers are very very much appreciated.  I'll pop in from time to time, and may get back to regular blogging once September rolls around and the kiddos are in school.  We'll see.

Hope you all are well!

Closing down for a while...

Hi friends,
So, things have gotten pretty chaotic/stressful in real life around here.  I am going to take a break from blogging.  I need to focus on my family and myself for a bit.  I'm closing down the blog, but hopefully will open it again when things have settled down.

Have a great summer!

Transformation

I've never seen the movie, but I hear Nanny McPhee goes from being a hideous person, to being normal looking.

That's the before.  Obviously.

It's also how I feel.  Over the past few days/two weeks, I've slid into a slump.  I feel gross.  I look gross.  Maybe not THAT bad, but still.

We've had swim lessons every day for the past two weeks, and while the kids LOVED it, it was such a stressful time for me.  Having to be up and out by a certain time, with kids who were not cooperative, despite the fact that they wanted to go, and then throw in a really grumpy baby who usually naps right at that time... Well, yeah.  It was stressful.

Josh is under a lot of stress, too.  That makes two of us.  And when we are BOTH stressed, there isn't the ability to talk each other down.  So we are both being high strung and emotional and sensitive.  More stress.

And I've been eating.  And eating.  I weighed this morning and I'm up 3 pounds.  Not the end of the world horrible, especially for how I've been stuffing my face, but still.  It's crazy how much 3 pounds actually SHOWS. I have more back fat and my face is rounder/more double-chinney.  That's a word.  

ANYWAY, I think I'm at the bottom.  Rock bottom.  And there's nowhere to go but up.  Next week we'll be staying at our church resort part of the week, and I'm actually looking forward to it. It's taken me a good 3-4 days to work through some issues I had, that came out of the blue.  But I've worked through it and am looking forward to the time with my little family.

I think I'm going to pull a "Sherah"... Some of you may know her. :)  Anyway, I think I'm going to eat a lot of watermelon while out there.  When it's so hot, it is so refreshing, it helps clean things out and will give me a clean slate to start the next part of my journey. Whatever that may be. 

The gym isn't going to work right now.  Josh just has too much work and is out too late/up too early.  I need to stop talking and start doing.  As in, stop talking/thinking about looking up arm exercises and actually do them.  Starting Monday we are implementing a new schedule/chore system, and I'm going to give myself chores as well.  Reading the Bible, some kind of exercise, etc...

So that's where I'm at.  I probably won't post again for a bit, but never fear, I'll be back. ;-)

Still Here!

Hi All!
I'm still here, and I haven't ballooned up to 400 pounds. ;-)

I've been trying to work out what my plan is, which direction I'm going to take, what I can sustain, what is important and what's not.

Thank you for your comments on my last post; they really, truly helped!!

I think I'm between "How do I do it?" and "I'll try to do it". 

I am 90% certain that I won't/cant try HCG again.  I know it works, and it works fast... if you do it right.  I'm just not sure if I can do it right. 

 

 I've really been thinking about spinning again.  I actually enjoy it.  A lot.  And it burns a lot of calories.  And if I did that, I could still eat, just in moderation.  I'd have to learn what that means for me.  I haven't ever really learned how to count calories, etc... But the idea of exercising and eating sounds good to me. ;-)

 

Turtles are wise.

So I've been off HCG for 10 days or so, and I haven't even gained 2 pounds back.  Which is exactly how it's supposed work; HCG resets your metabolism, and for me, it seems to have worked.  Cuz I have not been dieting in any way, shape or form. 

So to sum it up: Losing weight is REALLY HARD (for me).  Maintaining my weight is REALLY EASY (for me).

So then I think, "Gosh Ruth Anne, you should just suck it up and do HCG to lose these pounds cuz then you'll be done!"  And then I'm all "But, but, but... I love to eat!!"  So who knows.  I still don't even know what to do, so I'm just in a holding pattern for now.

 

Can I get an Amen!?

I think I'm going to try the exercise and diet route... As a wise friend once said, "Eat Less, Move More".  :-D

 

Paralyzed

You guys.

I'm struggling.  So hard.  I am paralyzed with indecision.

I can't do HCG.  I can't NOT do HCG.  I have to stop eating.  I can't stop eating.  

I kept cheating on HCG, so I just quit.  Cold turkey stopped taking the drops, started eating whatever I felt like.  I'm up 1.5 pounds.  Not horrible, but I am not in a healthy place.  Plus, I've still got 40 pounds to drop.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  I know HCG works, if I do it correctly.  But it seems I've lost my ability to do it correctly.  I know diet and exercise works, but who has the time and energy for that???

I'm in a busy stage of life.  The summer is here, the kids are out of school, and they are all needy.  Emotional.  Keyed up from being at school so many months, from getting up early and working to be good students.

Owen is defiant and bored and stubborn.  Oh my, is he ever stubborn.

Nora is pretty cute and mostly happy.  She just turned a year. A YEAR.

Do you know what that means? It's been twelve months since I had her, and I'm still carrying around massive amounts of baby weight.  Insert hysterical crying, wailing and weeping.

I am miserable.  Absolutely miserable.  It's affecting my ability to see anything beyond my weight.  It's even affecting my ability to read the books I want/need to read.  I've got Love Hunger right now, and even just from reading the first few pages, it's clear I've got food issues.  But, it's like I don't have the energy to delve into that right now.  To get to the root of the problem.  But if not now, then when? When I'm 300 pounds and a contestant on Biggest Loser?

Ugh.  I need help.  If you pray, please pray for me.  I need to work through these issues.  I need to be healthy in mind, body and spirit.

I'm not sure what to do.  I don't feel mentally ready to tackle HCG yet.  I feel like all my energy and attention is on the kids right now, as it needs to be.  But somewhere in there I've got to find time and energy and attention for my own needs/health.

I never dreamed it would be this hard to lose the weight.  I feel trapped in a prison of fat.  But I won't stay trapped forever, because, quite simply, I can't.  I CAN NOT.  My husband and my children and my sister and my friends deserve a better me than the person I am right now. I deserve a better quality of life.

So something will be done.  I just don't know what, yet.

Nothing worth having comes easily...

Hi friends!
How are you all?  MB, how is your mom doing? Divad-Thanks for the comments and encouragement!!

I am still sick.  I'm wondering if maybe it's allergies? I'm not really sneezing, but I am coughing a lot.  And I just feel "bad".  Headaches and achy joints.  It's been going on for a while and not really getting any better, so I have no clue.

I keep plugging on.  I have ended up cheating every day. :( I am trying to get it under control.  Trying to GAIN control, is more like it.  I decided I need to eat more on plan, like I've mentioned.  Today I had some "chicken salad" (shredded chicken, a splash of Worcestershire sauce, yellow mustard, minced onions and a few craisins) on lettuce leaves and it was pretty good.  Besides coffee, that's all I've had so far.  I need to eat an apple.

My weight is slowly, slowly creeping down.  I am so tempted to give up, because it is SO HARD.  But I keep reminding myself that I don't want to weigh the same 3 months down the road! If I just keep at it, the weight will go down. 

So, I'm pressing on, even though it's tough. 

I am planning to implement some kind of summer schedule.  I am going to make a big chart, or maybe get a large whiteboard, and I'm going to assign all of the kids (well, not Nora) ;-P a couple of chores.  Making their bed and one household chore for sure.  Maybe another one thrown in there.

I also need to come up with A Plan for summer.  Sitting around doing nothing in my backyard sounds like an amazing idea to me, but my kids... not so much.  They need direction and something to do, otherwise they dissolve into basket cases, screaming and fighting and yelling and crying.  It's not pretty.  Or fun.

So that's on my agenda to get done.  Figure out some activities we can do at home, plus some places we can go.  The 17th-27th they have swim lessons every weekday, so that'll be good.  If you have any ideas, throw them at me!!

June Challenge

Hi friends!
How are you?  I'm still fighting some virus/bug.  I have headaches, body aches, chills, upset stomach, and am so incredibly exhausted.

I haven't been eating much, and have therefore lost 1.4 pounds.  Happy about that, but looking forward to feeling normal/good/healthy!

I'm going to challenge myself in June.  I have a goal to lose 10 pounds this month.  I'm not sure if it's possible, but I'm going to try my darndest. 

I plan to drink A LOT.  Water, Talking Rain, the occasional pop.  I also plan to eat fruit and salad.  I found some calorie free, fat free salad dressing.  Yes, you read that right.  CALORIE FREE.

 

I've tried the ranch and the caesar.  The ranch tastes NOTHING like ranch.  It's kind of sweet.  Not bad, but definitely not ranch. The caesar is pretty good.  I haven't tried the Asian or Italian.  But it makes eating salad so much easier, because it doesn't  have to be dry.  

It's made out of natural stuff, too.

 

I am still struggling with eating out of boredom, stress, emotional distress, etc...  But, I am working on it.

I don't mean to get all preachy/religious, but for me personally, this is more than just a quest to lose weight.  It's a lesson in moderation.  I am waiting on a couple books that I ordered to get here.  

 

 

 

 

These books were recommended to me by two good friends.  Some of you  may remember Dawne; she was inspired by the Woman of Moderation series.  And a woman I know on Facebook who has lost 60 pounds with HCG and kept it off recommended the other two.

I'm excited to get to the bottom of my eating issues, and to learn to turn to Jesus for comfort.  He is supposed to be my best friend, after all, and is always there for me.  

So, my goal for June is a 10 pound weight loss.  I'm looking forward to this month and what I can accomplish!

 

Gluttony

Definition of GLUTTON

1a : one given habitually to greedy and voracious eating and drinking

Gluttony, derived from the Latin gluttire meaning to gulp down or swallow, means over-indulgence and over-consumption of food, drink, or wealth items to the point of extravagance or waste. In some Christian denominations, it is considered one of the seven deadly sins—a misplaced desire of food or its withholding from the needy.

Philippians 3:9
Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.

In the end they will be destroyed. Their own emotions are their god, and they take pride in the shameful things they do. Their minds are set on worldly things.

Last night, I was a glutton.  I was greedy.  I was selfish.  I ate from emotional distress instead of turning to God.  I shoved food in at an alarming rate, heedless of what it tasted like, of how it would make me feel afterward, of what the root of the problem was/is.

Today, I am very, very sick.  I have basically poisoned my body.  This body, this temple, that God has entrusted to me.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.  1 Cor 6:19

I feel like this is more than a mental game; more than mind over matter; more than forcing myself to just do something.  This is spiritual warfare.  This is about me turning to God instead of to food, about me respecting my body, about not being ruled by my stomach and emotions.

I was sent this article by The Grace and Strength program; it's the HCG diet, but with a support of godly women to back it up and help you through.  It's long, I think it's worth the read and highly recommend you take the time to do so.

Get Back Up!

So, this is my game plan.  I'm continuing on with HCG.  I'm having a do-over.  I'm picking up more drops today, but these are non-hormonal.  I don't know what's in them, but I'm going to try them.  Sorry if this is TMI, but there's something weird going on.  My boobs are still full of milk.  FULL of it.  They are heavy and I can tell my milk hasn't dried up.  Which is really weird because I haven't nursed Nora for the last 3 weeks. I'm wondering if the HCG hormone has something to do with that??

Also, I am going to be much more strict with myself to stick to protocol.  I will allow myself a cup of coffee with creamer a day, but as far as winging it with my meat and vegetables, I'm going to reign that in.  And no more nibbling on things that aren't approved.  I'll stick to my apple or grapefruit for snacks.

Hopefully the scale will be kind to me and start going down.  Quickly.

I have a lot to meditate on with regard to gluttony and being pulled around by my emotions and mindless eating.  So I'll be working on that aspect of things, too.

I hope you all are doing well!!

&^*(^#@^&&*(&

Hey there.

How are you?  Good? Tired? Busy?

Me? I'm all of the above.  And stressed.  Dieting is so hard! WAAAHHHH!

I keep trying.  I do.  But I inevitably end up cheating.  With black licorice.  Or cereal.  Or mini graham crackers.

You see, on HCG there is nothing you can snack on.  Sure, I could cut up an apple.  But you can only eat so many apples.  And I want crunch.  I'm a texture girl.  I want chewy.

So, as of today, I'm still at 10 pounds gone.  On Monday morning I had lost an additional 0.6 but I gained that back.

I'm not giving up, because I need to lose this weight.  But dang, it's hard.

Also?  Owen broke his arm.

He fell while roller skating on Saturday, and didn't tell me it hurt until MONDAY.  It was super swollen and he couldn't use it.  It's just a buckle fracture, a chip off the bone.  It will heal fine and we should be able to get the cast off in 3ish weeks.  Just in time for swim lessons. ;-)

Ok, I'm off.  I am going to try to be good.  I need to work on drinking water.  Help.

Ten Pounds Gone!

Morning, Friends!
I am happy to report I've hit my first goal; ten pounds lost. Go Me!

10 pounds doesn't seem like all that much, but look at these pictures.

Is that crazy!?!?  But what's even crazier is what ten pounds of fat looks like:

Say WHAAAA????!!!

And I have FIVE of those to lose?? :-O Yikes.  Not very pretty, but I'll be so glad when that junk is GONE.

And now the fun part; buying a new watch! I love watches, so it's a fun little treat for me.  

Yesterday I made a batch of Weight Watchers friendly oatmeal cookies in anticipation of a moms and tots group coming over.  But then Christian got sick so I had to cancel, and I was left with the whole batch.  Just sitting there, staring at me.  All. Day. Long.  

But I stuck it out and didn't cheat, not even a crumb.  Until bedtime.  And then I ate one. But only one.  Still... I need to focus on drinking water and NOT CHEATING.

We don't have any big plans for the long weekend; I'm hoping it involves sleep.  Lots of sleep.  :)

Hope you all are doing well!

Finally

I'm finally down into the next "decade" of numbers.  Phew!

Yesterday was a really, really hard day.  Gaining weight while trying so hard to lose is NOT fun.  It totally affected my attitude/mood, despite me fighting it.  Thankfully I didn't cheat. In fact, I hardly ate anything because I felt so depressed.  From one ditch to the other, eh? 

Anyway, I'm happy with my loss and am determined to keep going.  The weight won't come off without me giving it my all.  

Nora is sleeping better again, so that helps a lot.  Last night I was totally drained/exhausted. I washed and dried clothes all. day. long.  There was a gigantic mountain of clothes, and the plan was to watch a movie and fold them with Josh.  But I was so tired that he put me to bed at 6:30pm and I was dead to the world.  I slept til 4am, then was up for an hour, fell back asleep and then got up at 6am with Nora.

I still feel tired today, but I know I got some good rest in, so that's good.  

I am super duper excited because one of my good friends is having twin boys tomorrow!!  Looking forward to that. :)  

Not much else to report.  Hope you're having a good day!

Dont. Give. Up.

Today I was soooooo frustrated.  I gained weight.  I was so faithful yesterday, didn't cheat, drank my water, and I was thisclose to the next decade.  And then I was up .4!?!?!? How does that happen?? Why???????

I wanted to cry.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to stamp my feet.  I wanted to eat everything in sight, throw in the towel, give up.

But, I can't.  Because I am unhappy with the way I feel and look.  There is a slight pall over my life, a smidgeon of not-quite-right-ness.  And so, I continue on.

 

I like this.  Because my fat doesn't define who *I* am.  It's merely a state of my physical body.  One that I can change.  My body held on to this fat in order to give my baby girl rich milk.  My body is holding on to this fat just in case there is a famine.  If there ever is a famine, I WILL SURVIVE! :-P

So, on I go.  Eating my approved food.  Not eating the chocolate orange scones that I made this morning (for someone else).  Not burying my woes in a bag of spicy almonds or bbq chips.  Or margaritas.   So, there's that.

Hee hee :-D

I just have to look to my goal.  Think about finally being thin and fitting in my clothes and not feeling uncomfortable all the time.  It's not happening as fast as I thought or as I'd like it to.  But then again, I'm not being as strict as I should be.  The point is that if I keep at it, I WILL MAKE IT.  I will lose the weight.  I can do this.  It seems like a huge mountain, but I just need to take it one day at a time.  One pound at a time.

This is so true.  I have love, and I have laughter.  And my life, it is beautiful.  I am richly blessed!

MB-I'm going to email you; I want to know if your mom got the lung transplant!?!?!

Weekends are hard.

Hiya guys!

How are you on this Monday? I'm pretty good.  Had a lovely visit with my bestie Jen.  She's blogging again, by the way. :-D

Josh and I had a nice night away at the beach.  Nora was really sick with a super high fever, so we didn't get much sleep, but it was nice to just be able to sit on the couch next to my husband without 3 little monkeys jumping all over us.  (We ended up taking her with us since he wasn't feeling well.)  Saturday evening we had my sister in law and two younger girls come visit us for dinner.  I made a huge chef salad, and only ate was was HCG approved on mine.  After they left and we were watching a movie, I got the munchies BAD.  I ate some Skittles, some gummy bears and some spicy almonds.  Have you ever tried these?

They are super delicious, and I don't normally like wasabi.

Anyway, I stopped with that and went to bed, beating myself up that I keep sabotaging myself.  Sunday morning rolled around and Joh had a DELICIOUS looking Asiago cheese bagel, toasted and smothered in cream cheese for breakfast.  It looked/smelled SO GOOD.  But I stayed strong, only had my coffee and then later ate some fat free cottage cheese.

We went to the outlets and did some shopping, mostly for the kids and Josh since I wasn't feeling the love and didn't want to try things on.  I was also pretty nauseated from the milk in the cottage cheese. I have a slight dairy intolerance.  We headed back around 3:30 and I wanted Burger King soooo badly.  Josh had stopped to get a burger and it smelled so heavenly.  BUT I didn't give in.  I ate an apple.

The whole way home I was so nauseated.  The milk plus being car sick was NOT good.  As soon as I got home, I threw up.  I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not pregnant. ;-)  I can't say I'd be disappointed if I was, though. :-)  Babies are awesome.  Being sick, not so much.

ANYWAY, so I threw up and felt better.  Josh took the kids to their activities and I was home with Owen and Nora.  I cleaned up, put the babies to bed... and went a wee bit crazy.  I ate a bowl of cereal (Oatmeal Squares with almond milk), 5 mini Nestle Crunch bars and a bunch of BBQ chips.  But I was able to stop there.

Oh, I guess I should fill you in... On Friday when I weighed I had GAINED 0.8!!! I don't know how or why, except that I had a LOT of coffee that day.  So that started the weekend off on a hard note.

I was sure that I'd be way up this morning, and was seriously depressed.  I've been doing HCG for 3 week now (loosely, I know) and I haven't even lost 10 pounds.  WAAAHHH!!

But glory be, this morning I had lost weight and was down to just 0.2 above my lowest weight so far.  I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll be down into the next decade.

I'll keep you posted! For today, I'm chugging the water and gearing up to STAY ON TRACK.  I have to lose this weight.  It must go!

MB-Are you saying you want to weigh 100 pounds!?!?  You're crazy!! But I still love you. :)

It's Friday!!

Hello My Friends!
I'm down a total of 7.4 pounds now, and as crazy as it seems, I'm already feeling better about myself and my body.  Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm on the way, right!?

The first two weeks were kind of a wash with me gaining and losing the same 2 pounds over and over again.  I've moved past that now, and am into new territory. :-D

I'm almost to my first goal- 10 pounds! That'll be 1/5th of the way to my goal.  When I break it up into smaller segments it really helps.

Josh and I are sneaking away to the coast for a night; my sister is being Superwoman and taking our kiddos.  We are taking Nora, though.  She is doing MUCH better with her sleeping.  So much better.  But she is still very much a mama's girl. ;-)

I'll probably pick out my 10 pound loss reward- the watch- while we are at the outlets. 

In other news, Josh and I booked our 10th anniversary trip to Mexico!!  We've been wanting to go for years but have never been able to afford it, what with having babies and school loans, etc...  Thanks to our diligence to pay off our debt, owning a timeshare and a companion ticket we were able to book our week in Mexico for pretty dang cheap!

I can't wait.  I am so looking forward to having a fun, relaxing time together and to being THIN!!!! 

 

It definitely is motivating to have a big trip like this to look forward to, one that I want to feel good about myself on and it makes dieting worth it.  

Now I'm off to clean up my house, catch up on laundry, and get ready for our mini vacation.  Kate and Christian are both running in the Country Kids Relay race tomorrow; the fastest kids from each school compete against each other.  Kate ran last year and it was pretty fun.  This year her race is at 7:45a.m.  :-O  Kinda crazy, but I think it'll be fun.  Christian is FAST and is super excited.  He's the anchor on their team.  I have NO IDEA where the kids got their running gene from.  Sure wasn't from me!!

 

Happy Friday! Have a great weekend, everyone!

MaryBeth-How is your mom? I'm praying.