Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I can't wait for Day 10 to be over!

Man, today has been SO. STRESSFUL.

My kids are acting like total renegade hooligans on crack. Seriously, I don't know what has gotten into them! Screaming, pinching, biting, pushing, hitting... I feel like I'm living with a couple of future WWF experts. Geez Louise.

I ate 3/4 cup turkey pot pie (leftovers from last night), some white chocolate (it's German and I didn't know how to calculate the calories; I was estimating each square to be 60 calories and then noticed today that each square is only 40, so that was a pleasant surprise), an orange and 16 reduced fat wheat thins with 1 oz smoked gouda. Oh, and a diet coke. HOW ON EARTH DO THEY MAKE THINGS WITH ZERO CALORIES? That has got to be so chemically unnatural!

I have been pulling my hair out with my kids, I am way sleep deprived and it's not looking good that I'll be able to get the rest of my workout in. Plus, I am so DONE so my lovely, wonderful husband is picking up Chinese food on his way home. I need to make sure to eat moderately, but I'm sure I'll still be a bit over calorie for today. It's ok. Tomorrow is a new day.

I don't know how much to go into it on this blog, but in a way, it really does have a lot to do with losing weight/the mental war it takes, etc... but my postpartum depression seems to be flaring up big time. When this happens, it's like everything besides just making it alive to the end of the day falls by the wayside. I can't think, I can't do special crafts with my kids, I can't focus on the food I'm eating, I get so easily overwhelmed. It's sort of like torture. I know I need to learn to work through it. I even took a Xanax to help me just chill out.

But still, it's a major... I don't want to say hurdle, but it definitely takes some consideration into how it plays into my weight loss plan. So, there's something there for me to work through.

I'm happy that I am not tempted to give up. Yes, today was a totally crappy day. Yes, I fell off the wagon and got road burn in the process. Yes, I wasn't able to do my full workout (not even just mentally-- I physically could not do it.) But, if I want to lead a life of moderation, all these different things have to come into balance also. I have to learn to just say, "Ok. Today I'm not going to get a full work out in. So be it."

I'm looking forward to tomorrow (I will be getting the hormonal supplements and digestive enzymes from my mom ASAP), looking forward to a brighter day, a healthier day, a more successful day.

Ok, and the other thing? I'm REALLY depressed that the scale isn't moving. I read all these other blogs and people lose 1, 2 even 3 pounds in a matter of days. DAYS. Me? I've been at it a week and half with no change. None. This has happened before. I sometimes wonder if I'm psychologically damning myself. If my brain is controlling my body and it will not let me release the weight? I don't know, but I do know I *need* to see some change.

I am not giving up, let me just make that clear. Even if the scale refuses to move, and it seems like it is, I'm not going to give up. This is a lesson in discipline, as much as it is a crusade to lose weight and get fit and fab. From Flab to Fab- that's my motto, that's my goal.

Thanks for all of your support; it really, truly helps!


  1. Hey~
    Gosh, that's gotta be annoying. I am proud of you for sticking it out. I never make it far when the scale is not moving.
    Good luck. I hope Dr. Ray can help with your weight loss.
    Also, I hope your kids behavior improves for ya!

  2. Man, I was looking for this really good article I read and now I can't find it. It was about eating raw, but I think it probably applies to anyone...she was saying that her body was seriously messed up with drugs, depression, antidepressants, etc for years - and then she went on low fat raw.

    She GAINED weight!

    She said that she gained weight for the first 2 months she gained because her body desperately needed to heal and that losing weight was *not* high on it's list of priorities. But once other things got in order, she started shedding the weight and lost 48 pounds eventually. So maybe that is what is going on?

    Bottom line, though, you KNOW what you're doing is good for you - it's not like you're taking this experimental drug and it doesn't seem to be working...there is no question that eating healthy and working out are good for your body. Hang in there....!!! We always want results so, SO fast. =) Myself included....

  3. Man, I wish that scale would move at least one pound for you! When do you weigh? How often do you weigh? Your post-partum issues are a lot to work through. Lack of sleep always wrecks havoc on my emotions and ability to cope. Good job moving past yesterday and facing a new day. Don't worry about tomorrow, each day has enough worries of its own. I'm praying for you!